Hello, friends!
I know, I know: I'm a little late to the party. But bear with me. I recently watched Avengers: Endgame, and holy cow, it was awesome and I need to talk about it. I knew a ton of spoilers going in (including the two major deaths) and I still found myself surprised and delighted at every turn. It was so much more fun and meaningful than I expected.
By far, the character that I related to the most was the God of Thunder himself, Thor. On the surface, I have almost nothing in common with Thor. He's a super-powerful, 1,500-year-old alien king and I am... not. But that's the wonderful things about movies. I can look at Thor in Endgame and say, "I know how you feel."
Thor blames himself for all the people murdered by the villainous Thanos. His failure to protect them affects him on a deeply personal level. He gives up hope. He goes from self-confident and strong to fearful, anxious, and shaky. He truly believes that he is no longer worthy of anything.
During the movie, Thor goes back in time and talks to his mother, who has since died. He tells her that he feels like an idiot and a failure. Here is her reply:
"An idiot? No. A failure? Absolutely. Do you know what that makes you? Just like everyone else. Everyone fails at who they're supposed to be, Thor. The measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are."
Then comes the part that has replayed in my head over and over. Thor puts out his hand and summons his hammer. He knows that it will only come to him if he is truly worthy of it, and there's no doubt that part of him doesn't know if it will come. When it appears in his hand, he is elated. "I'm still worthy!" he exclaims.
Failure feels very big and scary and insurmountable to us at times. I know I feel unworthy all the time because of what I went through in Oklahoma. I blame myself, rightly or wrongly, and it's difficult to move past it. Sometimes that feeling of unworthiness - I had a calling and I screwed it up and what's even the point of trying anymore - is overwhelming.
But there are a couple of things in that quote from Thor's mother that comfort me.
I am not alone in my failure. I am just like everyone else, going all the way back to Adam and Eve.
I am who I am and the way I am for a reason, and that reason is not to live up to everyone's expectations, including my own.
When Thor summons his hammer and it comes, it proves that he is still worthy despite everything, because his worth was never about his accomplishments or lack thereof. His worth was about who he was. In the same way, my worth is not about my accomplishments. I am not defined by what I do. I am defined by who I am - a child of God, redeemed by Christ's acts and not my own. Nothing I do or fail to do can take that worth away.
I often talk about how what I know in my head is not always how I feel in my heart. I know all of this. It isn't new to me. But I have trouble applying it to myself. When I see storylines like this on screen - look, the big strong hero isn't always big and strong, and that's okay - it helps. So thank you, Avengers: Endgame, for making me feel worthy again.
