Hello, friends.
I'm going to do the stereotypical "it's the end of a decade" post here. Because it is! And it's interesting and informative to reflect back on what the last ten years have been.
In 2010, I turned 18 years old. I graduated high school in Iowa and moved to Wisconsin to begin my first year of college.
Since then, holy cow, a lot has happened.
I graduated college in 3 years.
I've had 9 different jobs and lived in 4 states.
I made a lot of new friends and lost touch with some old ones.
I've gained a sister-in-law and seriously cute godchildren.
I became a dog-mom, and then a foster mom, and then an adoptive mom.
The end of 2019 finds me recovering from following my dreams to Oklahoma. My recovery has led me to Milwaukee, with my wallet a little tighter than before, but my heart much fuller.
Looking back at who I was in 2010, I doubt I ever would have guessed what the next ten years would hold. I never thought my first church work job would be campus ministry in Florida. I would have been aghast to think that my first call would end so painfully. I hoped I'd find my husband by now.
So many things are different than I thought they would be, but that doesn't mean they're bad. I'm ending the decade on a good note, in a good place, with good friends. It may be a note I never would have predicted ten years ago, but it's a good note nonetheless.
Along the same lines, I have no guesses as to where I'll be in 2030. I'd like to see myself in a stable job, with a husband and maybe a few more kids (biological, adoptive, foster, whatever). That's as specific as I want to get. God will fill in the blanks. After all, He certainly did in the last ten years. I have faith that whatever He's got planned for the next ten will be equally surprising and ultimately good.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Sunday, September 29, 2019
The Month My World Turned Upside Down
Hello, friends.
September 2019 - the month my whole life turned upside down in the best possible way. Let me walk you through it.
September 5th: the joyful day that I was officially able to welcome my daughter, Tammy, into my family through adoption. This day was such a long time coming, but at the same time, it seems like very little changed for Tammy and me. We've been mother and daughter for three and a half years. A signature on a piece of paper doesn't make that more real. However, it was a very emotional and exciting day. I'm so glad my parents were able to come and witness it!
September 6th: Tammy's last day at Enid High School. She had so many positive experiences there and made a bunch of friends. I know it was hard for her to say goodbye.
September 7th: the day the moving truck came and hauled away pretty much everything we own. Without my parents and Lindsey Duerr, we never would have gotten everything packed in time! We were also blessed to be able to see Pastor House and Audrey.
September 8th: my last day as the DCE at Redeemer. Many of you know that Redeemer was a stressful place for me the past few years. The pastoral vacancy was overwhelming, and even when it finally ended, things didn't get better. I was hoping and praying for over a year that God would lead me and Tammy elsewhere, and as God always does, He opened a new door at exactly the right time. It was bittersweet to leave Redeemer. There were a lot of wonderful people there, and I loved the opportunity to use my gifts and talents to share the good news about Jesus. On the other hand, of course, it was a relief to be able to walk out of those doors knowing that I wouldn't have to go back. Tammy was also able to have one last hurrah at the mall with her friends.
September 9th: the day Tammy, Kensi, and I said goodbye to Enid and began our trek north. We paused to see our friends Samantha, Aaron, and Lydia in Kansas before stopping at my parents' house in Iowa for the night.
September 10th: I turned 28, got to see my brother, moved into an apartment in Greenfield, WI, and partied with Lindsey, Bryan, and Melissa. You know, an average day.
September 12th: I started my new job at Concordia Lutheran School in Sturtevant as a teacher's aid for the fourth and fifth grade classes. Meanwhile, the moving truck arrived and my apartment became an obstacle course of cardboard boxes.
September 13th: I acquired a second job as the Customer Service Representative at Mrs. Myers' Reading Room in Mt. Pleasant, just down the road from the school.
September 15th: Tammy and I went to Hales Corners Lutheran Church for the first time. It was so refreshing to worship without working, and with friends! I feel like I could get used to this.
September 17th: Tammy started at Greenfield High School. Go, Hustlin' Hawks!
September 21st: Lindsey's Harry Potter themed bachelorette party with Sara and Nicole! What an exceptionally fun day.
September 22nd: We spent the afternoon at Lindsey's apartment, where we helped prepare wedding stuff and watched the Packer game and generally enjoyed ourselves. What is this concept of having friends to hang out with?
September 29th: Tammy started her last year of Confirmation at Hales Corners. We just got back a couple of hours ago, and my heart is so full.
These are not the only things that have happened. Tammy and I have explored Milwaukee a bit and discovered fun places like a park near our apartment and this small lake you might have heard of called Lake Michigan. I've seen my friends several times a week; they've helped us assemble furniture and unpack boxes and go on Target runs and just generally been amazing. I was telling Melissa earlier today (in person!) that although I am fully aware that moving to Wisconsin is not a magical solution for depression, there is something incredibly curative about having a support system around me. I feel like the parts of me that are broken and bruised are steadily healing. It will take time. But there's nothing I can't do with these people by my side. With them, I feel like I can conquer the world.
September 2019 - the month my whole world turned upside down. I'm in a healthy place, with people I love, jobs where I feel appreciated, and an apartment in which my dog can sleep on my bed.
Life is good.
September 2019 - the month my whole life turned upside down in the best possible way. Let me walk you through it.
September 5th: the joyful day that I was officially able to welcome my daughter, Tammy, into my family through adoption. This day was such a long time coming, but at the same time, it seems like very little changed for Tammy and me. We've been mother and daughter for three and a half years. A signature on a piece of paper doesn't make that more real. However, it was a very emotional and exciting day. I'm so glad my parents were able to come and witness it!
September 6th: Tammy's last day at Enid High School. She had so many positive experiences there and made a bunch of friends. I know it was hard for her to say goodbye.
September 7th: the day the moving truck came and hauled away pretty much everything we own. Without my parents and Lindsey Duerr, we never would have gotten everything packed in time! We were also blessed to be able to see Pastor House and Audrey.
September 8th: my last day as the DCE at Redeemer. Many of you know that Redeemer was a stressful place for me the past few years. The pastoral vacancy was overwhelming, and even when it finally ended, things didn't get better. I was hoping and praying for over a year that God would lead me and Tammy elsewhere, and as God always does, He opened a new door at exactly the right time. It was bittersweet to leave Redeemer. There were a lot of wonderful people there, and I loved the opportunity to use my gifts and talents to share the good news about Jesus. On the other hand, of course, it was a relief to be able to walk out of those doors knowing that I wouldn't have to go back. Tammy was also able to have one last hurrah at the mall with her friends.
September 9th: the day Tammy, Kensi, and I said goodbye to Enid and began our trek north. We paused to see our friends Samantha, Aaron, and Lydia in Kansas before stopping at my parents' house in Iowa for the night.
September 10th: I turned 28, got to see my brother, moved into an apartment in Greenfield, WI, and partied with Lindsey, Bryan, and Melissa. You know, an average day.
September 12th: I started my new job at Concordia Lutheran School in Sturtevant as a teacher's aid for the fourth and fifth grade classes. Meanwhile, the moving truck arrived and my apartment became an obstacle course of cardboard boxes.
September 13th: I acquired a second job as the Customer Service Representative at Mrs. Myers' Reading Room in Mt. Pleasant, just down the road from the school.
September 15th: Tammy and I went to Hales Corners Lutheran Church for the first time. It was so refreshing to worship without working, and with friends! I feel like I could get used to this.
September 17th: Tammy started at Greenfield High School. Go, Hustlin' Hawks!
September 21st: Lindsey's Harry Potter themed bachelorette party with Sara and Nicole! What an exceptionally fun day.
September 22nd: We spent the afternoon at Lindsey's apartment, where we helped prepare wedding stuff and watched the Packer game and generally enjoyed ourselves. What is this concept of having friends to hang out with?
September 29th: Tammy started her last year of Confirmation at Hales Corners. We just got back a couple of hours ago, and my heart is so full.
These are not the only things that have happened. Tammy and I have explored Milwaukee a bit and discovered fun places like a park near our apartment and this small lake you might have heard of called Lake Michigan. I've seen my friends several times a week; they've helped us assemble furniture and unpack boxes and go on Target runs and just generally been amazing. I was telling Melissa earlier today (in person!) that although I am fully aware that moving to Wisconsin is not a magical solution for depression, there is something incredibly curative about having a support system around me. I feel like the parts of me that are broken and bruised are steadily healing. It will take time. But there's nothing I can't do with these people by my side. With them, I feel like I can conquer the world.
September 2019 - the month my whole world turned upside down. I'm in a healthy place, with people I love, jobs where I feel appreciated, and an apartment in which my dog can sleep on my bed.
Life is good.
Thursday, August 1, 2019
What I'm Looking For in a Man
Hello, friends.
I haven't tried any dating sites or apps lately, but when I did, I was always tripped up by the questions about what I'm looking for in a guy. I always listed things like kindness and faith and a good sense of humor, but in my head, here's what I'd like my significant other to be like:
I haven't tried any dating sites or apps lately, but when I did, I was always tripped up by the questions about what I'm looking for in a guy. I always listed things like kindness and faith and a good sense of humor, but in my head, here's what I'd like my significant other to be like:
- Gentle like Newt Scamander
- Smart like Cisco Ramon
- Fearless like Eliot Spencer
- Creative like Flynn Carsen
- Adventurous like Hiccup
- Selfless like Steve Trevor
I could go on, but I think we can glean two things from this. One, all of these people are, well, at least moderately fictional. Two, apparently I mostly like guys with long and/or casually messy hair? Take note, boys.
I want my love to be magical, you know? I want to have an epic arc that ends in an exhilarating kiss in the rain. But the fact is that those arcs are fictional, just like all of my ideal men are. None of my friends or family have met their significant others that way. I don't know anyone who regularly fights bad guys with their spouse (which possibly means your secret identities are working exceptionally well). Point is, what I'm looking for, I'm unlikely to ever find.
I want to ask, how have you married or engaged or dating people done it? How have you managed this seemingly impossible feat? But the fact is that everyone is different. There's no secret ingredient. There's no special formula. There are no perfect relationships.
So what do I do now?
I wait.
I live my life - I don't put it on hold until I find someone.
I be my best self.
My life is not defined by my relationship status, but that doesn't mean I can't think about it and desire a mate. I'm allowed to fantasize, as ridiculous as my fantasies might be. (My future husband will be a bow-and-arrow-wielding billionaire with amazing hair and doey eyes when he looks at me...) Ahem. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Ridiculous fantasies.
My life is not defined by my relationship status - but it is affected by it. My task right now is to live in hope, focus on the present, and remember that even when it feels like it, I am never really alone.
Monday, July 15, 2019
Gathering Reflections
Hello, friends. I'm writing to you from somewhere in Iowa. I'm on a bus with a crowd of teenagers with endless energy, even after they spent over a week in Minneapolis for the National Youth Gathering. "Bumblebee" is playing on the TV. My youth are sitting near me, telling terrible jokes. Here's one:
Why was the Mexican food silent?
Because it didn't want to tacobout it!
This week was a completely different experience than the last Gathering three years ago, even though almost half of my group was the same. We weren't as cohesive as my last group. We hadn't spent nearly as much time together before the trip, something I made a priority the last time. There were a lot more arguments the first few days, a lot more complaints and anxiety. A lot of that anxiety came from me, though I kept it mostly internal. I was constantly looking at what was happening and thinking to myself about how I could have done it better if I was better.
Oddly, it took two of my youth not feeling well to make me feel better. On two consecutive days, they came to me and told me they weren't feeling well. I dropped everything and took the afternoon each day to spend time with them one-on-one, finding quiet places to sit and help them calm down, drink water, and feel better. I listened to them. I made them laugh. I distracted them from the irritation and pain. They both tried apologizing, saying they felt bad that I had to babysit them, and I repeatedly assured them that not only was this my job, it didn't bother me in the slightest. I was happy to help them.
These experiences made me realize that even when I'm personally struggling with challenges in my life and faith, I can still be Jesus to those around me. When I am called upon, I respond. Sometimes I do it better than others, but that's always true. I love my youth, and when they need me, I'm there. No matter what.
If there comes a time, sooner or later, that I'm no longer at Redeemer, I'll miss these maniac teenagers like nobody's business. But I'll be able to leave them in peace, knowing two things: I have made a difference, and they won't be alone. They'll have their real, present God with them always. Just like I will.
Why was the Mexican food silent?
Because it didn't want to tacobout it!
This week was a completely different experience than the last Gathering three years ago, even though almost half of my group was the same. We weren't as cohesive as my last group. We hadn't spent nearly as much time together before the trip, something I made a priority the last time. There were a lot more arguments the first few days, a lot more complaints and anxiety. A lot of that anxiety came from me, though I kept it mostly internal. I was constantly looking at what was happening and thinking to myself about how I could have done it better if I was better.
Oddly, it took two of my youth not feeling well to make me feel better. On two consecutive days, they came to me and told me they weren't feeling well. I dropped everything and took the afternoon each day to spend time with them one-on-one, finding quiet places to sit and help them calm down, drink water, and feel better. I listened to them. I made them laugh. I distracted them from the irritation and pain. They both tried apologizing, saying they felt bad that I had to babysit them, and I repeatedly assured them that not only was this my job, it didn't bother me in the slightest. I was happy to help them.
These experiences made me realize that even when I'm personally struggling with challenges in my life and faith, I can still be Jesus to those around me. When I am called upon, I respond. Sometimes I do it better than others, but that's always true. I love my youth, and when they need me, I'm there. No matter what.
If there comes a time, sooner or later, that I'm no longer at Redeemer, I'll miss these maniac teenagers like nobody's business. But I'll be able to leave them in peace, knowing two things: I have made a difference, and they won't be alone. They'll have their real, present God with them always. Just like I will.
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Surviving Today
Hello, friends.
If you're a guy and you don't like hearing about "girl problems", feel free to skip down a few paragraphs.
Did you know that having depression can affect your period? I didn't have a period for about six months not too long ago. I knew I wasn't pregnant, and I wasn't exactly missing having a period, but it felt wrong to me. I asked my doctor and she said missing periods or having more symptoms than normal are common side effects of depression.
My period eventually came back. I'm on it now, and let me tell you, depression makes it so much worse. I'm so tired and crampy and sore and moody. I go from wanting to punch someone to wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep for three days. Recently, the symptoms from my periods have lasted for two weeks or more. It's really super fun.
Okay, gross girl stuff over now. But I wanted to take a few minutes and talk about the kind of effect depression has been having on my everyday life. It's not just the lack of energy or motivation. I'm constantly unable to get out of bed. Even during VBS week, normally my favorite week of the year, I couldn't get up on time. It wasn't that I didn't want to, because I love VBS. I just couldn't.
I'm always hungry, but also always nauseous. I hardly eat anything. It's easier to forget about my stomach pain when I'm eating with friends, but those are hard to come by around here. I end up binging on junk food late at night. I've gained a lot of weight.
I get headaches all the time.
I can never get comfortable. I constantly shift positions, whether I'm at my desk or in my living room or lying in bed trying to sleep. Every little thing makes me itch or need to stretch.
Any joy I find is temporary. Anything I find exciting quickly becomes a drag. If something frustrates me, I give up on it. It's not worth the effort when it's going to wear me out so quickly.
Amongst it all, I feel deep, unrelenting guilt. I want to fix myself. I can't.
I talk about my depression a lot. I hope it doesn't bring you down - I'm just seeking understanding, because I don't have much access to that here. I hunt for concern online because those who should be concerned here aren't. I want you to be able to recognize these symptoms in others, especially your church workers. We are a special breed. We need your support. We need your understanding and concern. And often, we feel we can't ask for it.
My counselor has long told me that in order to lift my depression, I need to either change my situation or get out of it. I'm working on the second option. It's a struggle to apply for jobs when I can hardly take care of myself. But I'm trying. I have hope that this will pass.
I'm off to lose myself in the world of Pokemon for awhile. Then it's back to the daily grind of surviving today so I can thrive eventually.
If you're a guy and you don't like hearing about "girl problems", feel free to skip down a few paragraphs.
Did you know that having depression can affect your period? I didn't have a period for about six months not too long ago. I knew I wasn't pregnant, and I wasn't exactly missing having a period, but it felt wrong to me. I asked my doctor and she said missing periods or having more symptoms than normal are common side effects of depression.
My period eventually came back. I'm on it now, and let me tell you, depression makes it so much worse. I'm so tired and crampy and sore and moody. I go from wanting to punch someone to wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep for three days. Recently, the symptoms from my periods have lasted for two weeks or more. It's really super fun.
Okay, gross girl stuff over now. But I wanted to take a few minutes and talk about the kind of effect depression has been having on my everyday life. It's not just the lack of energy or motivation. I'm constantly unable to get out of bed. Even during VBS week, normally my favorite week of the year, I couldn't get up on time. It wasn't that I didn't want to, because I love VBS. I just couldn't.
I'm always hungry, but also always nauseous. I hardly eat anything. It's easier to forget about my stomach pain when I'm eating with friends, but those are hard to come by around here. I end up binging on junk food late at night. I've gained a lot of weight.
I get headaches all the time.
I can never get comfortable. I constantly shift positions, whether I'm at my desk or in my living room or lying in bed trying to sleep. Every little thing makes me itch or need to stretch.
Any joy I find is temporary. Anything I find exciting quickly becomes a drag. If something frustrates me, I give up on it. It's not worth the effort when it's going to wear me out so quickly.
Amongst it all, I feel deep, unrelenting guilt. I want to fix myself. I can't.
I talk about my depression a lot. I hope it doesn't bring you down - I'm just seeking understanding, because I don't have much access to that here. I hunt for concern online because those who should be concerned here aren't. I want you to be able to recognize these symptoms in others, especially your church workers. We are a special breed. We need your support. We need your understanding and concern. And often, we feel we can't ask for it.
My counselor has long told me that in order to lift my depression, I need to either change my situation or get out of it. I'm working on the second option. It's a struggle to apply for jobs when I can hardly take care of myself. But I'm trying. I have hope that this will pass.
I'm off to lose myself in the world of Pokemon for awhile. Then it's back to the daily grind of surviving today so I can thrive eventually.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Pondering VBS Week
Hello, friends.
Vacation Bible School is coming up next week, and I feel like I should be doing my normal week-before-VBS panic dance. Weirdly, though... I don't have anything to do right now.
I've printed and stuffed name tags.
I've finalized the daily schedule and printed it.
The rosters are updated with the latest information.
All of the donations have been sorted.
I have a plan for what to do on Monday to set up.
I actually have all of the volunteers I need. Hopefully. I'm pretty sure.
I'm confident that the site leaders are prepared.
Opening and Closing are ready, music is ready, registration is ready, at least two of my site leaders have built big rockets (our VBS is space-themed), all is well.
It's a strange feeling, to feel like I'm ready for VBS. Typically at this time of year, I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off, finding dozens of last-minute details to figure out. This could mean one of two things. Number one, I'm getting better at this as time goes on. Number two, I simply don't have the energy to panic anymore. I think it's actually both of those things.
I'm very tired. If I'm tired now, I can only imagine how I'll be feeling after a week of VBS insanity.
Vacation Bible School is coming up next week, and for the first time, I don't necessarily know what's going to happen this summer after that. Weirdly, though... that's not as terrifying as it would have been last year.
Vacation Bible School is coming up next week, and I feel like I should be doing my normal week-before-VBS panic dance. Weirdly, though... I don't have anything to do right now.
I've printed and stuffed name tags.
I've finalized the daily schedule and printed it.
The rosters are updated with the latest information.
All of the donations have been sorted.
I have a plan for what to do on Monday to set up.
I actually have all of the volunteers I need. Hopefully. I'm pretty sure.
I'm confident that the site leaders are prepared.
Opening and Closing are ready, music is ready, registration is ready, at least two of my site leaders have built big rockets (our VBS is space-themed), all is well.
It's a strange feeling, to feel like I'm ready for VBS. Typically at this time of year, I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off, finding dozens of last-minute details to figure out. This could mean one of two things. Number one, I'm getting better at this as time goes on. Number two, I simply don't have the energy to panic anymore. I think it's actually both of those things.
I'm very tired. If I'm tired now, I can only imagine how I'll be feeling after a week of VBS insanity.
Vacation Bible School is coming up next week, and for the first time, I don't necessarily know what's going to happen this summer after that. Weirdly, though... that's not as terrifying as it would have been last year.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Living In Fact
Hello, friends. You may think to yourselves, "Shouldn't Mary be working right now?" And you'd even be correct. However, I just spent an hour moving tables and chairs in the church gym. They were all moved for Sunday's service, and they needed to be put back before Midweek School today. At least ten people participated in moving them originally; today it was just me and one trustee. So I'm tired and sweaty and need to readjust before I continue working on VBS. Thus, here we are.
My pastor asked me yesterday what I'm dreaming of - what I find myself planning for in my spare time, when it's not necessary. What I told him was Midweek School, which has been both my favorite thing about my job since I started and something that has continually frustrated me. I constantly feel like I can be doing it better, but I can never put my finger on how. I've spent probably days at this point poring over materials and putting together various curriculums that I later scrap.
However, as you can probably guess, that's not what I would have said to someone who was not my supervisor. I'm dreaming of a place where it feels safe to dream. I find myself planning for a different life in my spare time. It feels like it is necessary.
My counselor recently pointed out that I live a lot of my life that way - in dreams, future plans, imaginings. This is a good thing in a lot of ways. When I'm imagining good things, I feel hopeful and excited. But when I'm imagining bad things, this turns into a problem fairly quickly. Even if a bad thing I'm imagining is based in reality, if it's not actually reality, then I shouldn't be living my life by it.
Case in point: after a rather negative meeting last October, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't talk about how I was feeling; that if I talked about how I was feeling, I could get in trouble and cause more problems than I already had. I turned my feelings inward. I hid them. I wore a mask every time I was in the church building, pretending that everything was fine. I was terrified to reveal to anyone, even people I trusted, that the vacancy was overwhelming and I was not okay.
The fact is that no one told me to do this. I came to this conclusion on my own accord. Yes, it was because of that negative meeting, but they never gave me the instruction to hide my depression. I made that decision myself, and it hurt me more, in the end.
My counselor recommended that I live my life based on fact, not suppositions. The fact is that I'm overwhelmed, and it's true that some people don't think I should be overwhelmed, but they don't get to decide who I trust with that information. I do. I've started to reveal bits and pieces to some of my trusted friends at church.
It helps.
My pastor asked me yesterday what I'm dreaming of - what I find myself planning for in my spare time, when it's not necessary. What I told him was Midweek School, which has been both my favorite thing about my job since I started and something that has continually frustrated me. I constantly feel like I can be doing it better, but I can never put my finger on how. I've spent probably days at this point poring over materials and putting together various curriculums that I later scrap.
However, as you can probably guess, that's not what I would have said to someone who was not my supervisor. I'm dreaming of a place where it feels safe to dream. I find myself planning for a different life in my spare time. It feels like it is necessary.
My counselor recently pointed out that I live a lot of my life that way - in dreams, future plans, imaginings. This is a good thing in a lot of ways. When I'm imagining good things, I feel hopeful and excited. But when I'm imagining bad things, this turns into a problem fairly quickly. Even if a bad thing I'm imagining is based in reality, if it's not actually reality, then I shouldn't be living my life by it.
Case in point: after a rather negative meeting last October, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't talk about how I was feeling; that if I talked about how I was feeling, I could get in trouble and cause more problems than I already had. I turned my feelings inward. I hid them. I wore a mask every time I was in the church building, pretending that everything was fine. I was terrified to reveal to anyone, even people I trusted, that the vacancy was overwhelming and I was not okay.
The fact is that no one told me to do this. I came to this conclusion on my own accord. Yes, it was because of that negative meeting, but they never gave me the instruction to hide my depression. I made that decision myself, and it hurt me more, in the end.
My counselor recommended that I live my life based on fact, not suppositions. The fact is that I'm overwhelmed, and it's true that some people don't think I should be overwhelmed, but they don't get to decide who I trust with that information. I do. I've started to reveal bits and pieces to some of my trusted friends at church.
It helps.
Monday, March 11, 2019
Safety
Hello, friends.
It's been awhile since I wrote a blog post. There have been a few times that I've sat down to write, but it's always seemed like too much effort, and with no one to make me do it, it just hasn't happened. That's kind of how I feel about life these days. If no one is holding me accountable for something, and it's not essential to my life or my daughter's life... it just doesn't happen.
I've gotten around that a little bit with the help of my friend Lindsey. I had a list of phone calls to make last week, and I gave her the list and asked her to bug me about one or two calls per day. It helped. I got the calls made. The calls resulted in a long-overdue dentist appointment this morning, a meeting with my accountant this afternoon to go over my taxes, and the fact that I paid a lot of money to have my car fixed earlier... only for it to stall out on me yet again after I picked it up.
Yes, I'm going to take it in again tomorrow. But I'm frustrated and worn down and wishing someone else could pick up the slack. I'm also extremely paranoid while driving, which is a stressor that I really could do without. It feels like there's nowhere I can go to feel safe and nothing in particular I can do about that fact.
"Safety" has taken on new meaning for me in the last couple of years. I used to think of safety only in physical terms. If I wasn't in actual physical danger, I felt safe. Now, I have come to think of safety in emotional, mental, and spiritual terms. I feel safe when I'm confident in my job security, when I'm getting the parenting support that I need, when I can express the state of my mental health without fear of repercussions, when I'm able to rest and relax at home, when I have people around me that I trust. I haven't felt safe in a very long time. And now with my car issues... even that sense of physical safety is gone.
A leader of my church told me last year that I "just need to have more faith." Ignoring the fact that that's a terrible thing to tell someone with depression, he was also way off the mark. I don't need more faith. I am constantly relying on the faith I already have. Without my confidence that God loves and cares for me, that He called me and will never abandon me, that His plan is always far superior to mine - without my faith in God's unfailing promises, I would have given up long ago. But I have that faith. I trust my God. He will get me through this.
It's been awhile since I wrote a blog post. There have been a few times that I've sat down to write, but it's always seemed like too much effort, and with no one to make me do it, it just hasn't happened. That's kind of how I feel about life these days. If no one is holding me accountable for something, and it's not essential to my life or my daughter's life... it just doesn't happen.
I've gotten around that a little bit with the help of my friend Lindsey. I had a list of phone calls to make last week, and I gave her the list and asked her to bug me about one or two calls per day. It helped. I got the calls made. The calls resulted in a long-overdue dentist appointment this morning, a meeting with my accountant this afternoon to go over my taxes, and the fact that I paid a lot of money to have my car fixed earlier... only for it to stall out on me yet again after I picked it up.
Yes, I'm going to take it in again tomorrow. But I'm frustrated and worn down and wishing someone else could pick up the slack. I'm also extremely paranoid while driving, which is a stressor that I really could do without. It feels like there's nowhere I can go to feel safe and nothing in particular I can do about that fact.
"Safety" has taken on new meaning for me in the last couple of years. I used to think of safety only in physical terms. If I wasn't in actual physical danger, I felt safe. Now, I have come to think of safety in emotional, mental, and spiritual terms. I feel safe when I'm confident in my job security, when I'm getting the parenting support that I need, when I can express the state of my mental health without fear of repercussions, when I'm able to rest and relax at home, when I have people around me that I trust. I haven't felt safe in a very long time. And now with my car issues... even that sense of physical safety is gone.
A leader of my church told me last year that I "just need to have more faith." Ignoring the fact that that's a terrible thing to tell someone with depression, he was also way off the mark. I don't need more faith. I am constantly relying on the faith I already have. Without my confidence that God loves and cares for me, that He called me and will never abandon me, that His plan is always far superior to mine - without my faith in God's unfailing promises, I would have given up long ago. But I have that faith. I trust my God. He will get me through this.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Big News, Take 3
Hello, friends! Some of you might not be aware of the recent Big News around here, so allow me to announce to you:
Redeemer's vacancy is almost over! Our new pastor will be installed on February 10th!
Obviously, this is exciting stuff. The vacancy has been, well, let's be honest - miserable. I am very excited to have a full-time pastor on staff once again. I know him a little bit and think he'll be a good fit.
However, I have some shocking news for you: pastors, no matter how fantastic they are, can't do this church thing all on their own. They are only people, after all. People that God has chosen to work on his behalf, yes, but people nonetheless. Our new pastor is not going to come in on day one and take away all of Redeemer's issues. That's just not how this works.
So as his installation day approaches, I ask that you would pray not only for Pastor Schroeder, but for me and our congregation, that we may all work together to further the kingdom of God.
Redeemer's vacancy is almost over! Our new pastor will be installed on February 10th!
Obviously, this is exciting stuff. The vacancy has been, well, let's be honest - miserable. I am very excited to have a full-time pastor on staff once again. I know him a little bit and think he'll be a good fit.
However, I have some shocking news for you: pastors, no matter how fantastic they are, can't do this church thing all on their own. They are only people, after all. People that God has chosen to work on his behalf, yes, but people nonetheless. Our new pastor is not going to come in on day one and take away all of Redeemer's issues. That's just not how this works.
So as his installation day approaches, I ask that you would pray not only for Pastor Schroeder, but for me and our congregation, that we may all work together to further the kingdom of God.
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