The In-Between

Hello, friends, and welcome back to Iowa Girl Meets World! In this episode, Iowa Girl sits in a borrowed chair in her bedroom and contemplates whether or not to go load the dishwasher before bed. So far, the answer's a resounding "that's a lot of work," but we'll see how the episode ends, shall we?

Iowa Girl Meets World has been on an extremely intentional 7-month hiatus. Since we last saw our heroine, she has:

1) celebrated her daughter's 18th birthday and graduation

2) co-taught a summer school classroom

3) upgraded to 5th grade and a rolling chair at work

4) spent a month celebrating her own 30th birthday

We don't have time to do a full rehash of the last 7 months, but rest assured, they've contained the usual assortment of ups and downs and in-betweens. This weekend has been an in-between. Excellent TV show watching? Check. Trouble getting up until early afternoon? Check. Time spent with a friend? Check. General lack of motivation? Check.

All life is really an in-between. This week won't be perfect, but neither will it be awful. It'll be a week. There will be laughter and joy, frustration and exhaustion, and, well, everything in between. And that's okay. In the past 7 months, this Iowa Girl has grown enough in her mental health to be able to say, "I can do this" - no matter what "this" happens to be. And if failure occurs, this Iowa Girl can get up and try again. It might take a few days and some help from friends and family, but it'll be worth it.

On that note, time to load that dishwasher. This is Iowa Girl Meets World, signing out.

Flipping the Script

Hello, friends! 

Sometimes, it's painful for me to watch TV shows that depict any kind of depression or anxiety. It just hits too close to home. A recent episode of "Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist" did that to me. I am totally obsessed with that show, but when Zoey's boyfriend Max sang "Say Something" to her, it gave me all the feels. Just listen to this line that gets repeated throughout the song:

"Say something, I'm giving up on you."

I'm worried, all the time, about my friends giving up on me because I'm depressed and not always fun to be around. I wonder sometimes if I should do what Zoey does here, and "break up" a friendship so I don't mess it up even further. Of course, my friends have given me zero actual evidence of giving up on me - quite the opposite, in fact - but logic doesn't really matter to depression and anxiety. 

I was apprehensive about where the show was going to take Zoey's journey after that, but never fear, the very next episode gave me a different kind of feels. Zoey is telling her friend Simon about trying so hard to feel happy, but feeling like the universe just throws obstacles in her way. He replies,

"Look, you got this, you got a massive hole in your heart that you just can't fill, and I understand that. But the good news is that eventually that hole will scar over. You can wear that scar like a badge of honor. And it won't define you, it'll deepen you, and you'll learn how to draw strength from it. Because scars are tough. They remind us of all the battles we've fought, and how we survived to tell the story."

Let me tell you - the idea of my scars as badges of honor? That's a way of looking at my mental health struggles that I've never considered before. It flips the script. My depression isn't a failure, it's a battle. The fact that I'm still here tells me I'm winning. And someday, I'll be able to look at my scars and tell the story of how I survived. 

I'll be stronger on the other side of this.

Thanks, Simon. I was on Team Max, but you're working your way into my heart.

A List, Part 1/12

Hello, friends!

I have low self-esteem. I wonder all the time whether I am making a difference. So, to combat that, I challenged myself this year to write down, daily, the difference I've made, no matter how big or small it is, and give thanks. 

My definition of "making a difference" is pretty broad. It can mean anything from helping someone, to working with my students, to doing something on the weekend other than sitting on my butt. The purpose of this activity is to give me something tangible to look back on when I'm feeling down, so I can say, "Yes, I am worthwhile, even when I don't feel that way." If there's a secondary purpose, it's to remind me that small things matter just as much as big things.

Here are a few from the month of January.

• January 1 - made Lindsey laugh.
• January 2 - did laundry and dishes.
• January 3 - helped Tammy clean her room.
• January 4 - advocated for my 4th-grade student.
• January 5 - got to know the kids at my new after-school job.
• January 6 - filled out paperwork.
• January 7 - helped my 4th-grade teacher.
• January 8 - helped Tammy with job coach interview.
• January 9 - recorded Melissa's trombone playing.
• January 10 - helped Kelsey make cheesecake for Jeff's birthday.
• January 11 - looked up some materials to use with my 4th-grade student.
• January 12 - taught my 4th-grade student the word "uterus."
• January 13 - wrote in my blog.
• January 14 - asked a friend how her grandma was doing.
• January 15 - successfully completed a week of sex ed.
• January 16 - washed Melissa's dishes.
• January 17 - made chex mix and puppy chow with Lindsey.
• January 18 - made potato soup and chicken casserole.
• January 19 - worked with my 4th-grade student.
• January 20 - watched the inauguration with Tammy.
• January 21 - texted Lindsey an endless stream of Bernie gifs.
• January 22 - discovered a new feel-good TV show.
• January 23 - planned all of my outfits for National Lutheran Schools Week.
• January 24 - brought Bryan Culver's for lunch.
• January 25 - laughed a lot with a kindergartener at my after-school job.
• January 26 - wrote up my observations of my 4th-grade student for her evaluation.
• January 27 - tried to teach my 4th-grade student how to hula hoop.
• January 28 - emailed my after-school-care supervisor about some students.
• January 29 - made delicious sautéed cinnamon apples with peanut butter and granola.
• January 30 - made chocolate bundt cake (my grandma's recipe!).
• January 31 - went tubing with Kelsey, Jeff, and Melissa.

I give thanks to God for all of the good things he's put in my path this month!

Fiction Prompts #5: Brave

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Brave.

Andi's first day of being a teacher was the most exciting day of her life. To be sure, she was clumsy and awkward and second-guessed herself a lot, but she enjoyed herself and knew, without a doubt in her mind, that this was where she was supposed to be and what she was supposed to be doing.

Her first day at her second call was a little different.

She was excited, definitely. She was teaching the same grade as she did before, which helped her confidence level a bit. But it was a new city, school, classroom, and experience. She didn't entirely believe she was where she was supposed to be, doing what she was supposed to be doing.

When she arrived at her new school that first morning, she found an envelope on her desk. Inside was a piece of Dove chocolate and a simple notecard that read, "God's blessings on your first day!" It was signed with her principal's name.

Andi sat down and took a look around.

Her classroom theme was dolphins. She had painstakingly decorated each bulletin board and student desk. Her white board already had the day's assignments listed on it for her children to copy down. She needed to power up her Smartboard and laptop and get ready to start the day.

She looked at the notecard again, propped it up against a mug full of pencils.

"I can do this," she told herself.

Fiction Prompts #4: Light

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Light.

"You light up my life."

Daisy groaned. "Come on, enough with the puns already!"

"Did you hear the one about the party at the light bulb factory?"

"Don't..."

"It was pretty lit!"

"Andi!"

"What? I'm happy! In fact, I'm -"

"Delighted, yes, I've got it!"

"And we're installing light fixtures in my new place, which is close to yours and close to my new place of employment. Give me this moment, Daisy!"

Daisy put her screwdriver down and gave Andi a fixed look. "Have you thought about what color you're going to paint your bedroom?"

"Not yet, why?"

"What's blue and not very heavy?"

Andi thought for a second, then grinned. "Light blue!"

Fiction Prompts #3: Through It All

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Through It All.

"Can we just fast-forward a few years?" Andi asked. "Maybe by then, this will have all worked out."

Daisy tossed a pillow at her. Andi didn't get her hands up in time to catch it; it hit her square in the face. "Hey!" she protested. "I'm having a crisis here, why are you throwing things at me?"

"Nothing else has worked," her friend told her frankly. "I thought maybe that would snap you out of it."

"'Snap me out of it'?" Andi sat up and glared at her friend. "I don't need to be 'snapped out of it.' I need a job!"

"I know, honey." Daisy shrugged. "And I know how hard this is. But you need to move forward somehow, and sitting here wanting to make it all go away is not actually going to make it all go away."

"Wouldn't that be great, though?" Andi managed to duck the pillow this time. "Okay, okay, fine. Tell me, O wise woman. What will make this all go away?"

"Nothing." Daisy snagged one of the pillows back and put it behind her head. "Other than time, maybe, but we can't sit around and wait for it. So you don't have a call yet? Find something else - not even necessarily a job, just something - that you find fulfilling in the meantime. You can't just sit here in my apartment, as much fun as that is. And I know you. You need something to do if you want to feel better."

Andi didn't say anything for a moment as she considered this. Finally she said, "It's almost illegal for you to know me this well."

"Through thick and thin, Andi," Daisy replied. "Now let's brainstorm."

Fiction Prompts #2: New

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is "New."

Andi knew exactly how her life was going to play out.

Step 1: Go to college. (Check.)

Step 2: Acquire her teaching degree. (Check.)

Step 3: Receive a call to teach at a Lutheran school. (Check.)

Step 4: Teach at that school for at least 10 years. 

Step 5: While at that school, meet that special someone and get married.

Steps 1, 2, and 3 were complete, but for several months now, she'd had this nagging feeling in the back of her mind about Steps 4 and 5.

The school board meeting had just confirmed it.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket. She dug it out and tried to smile at the name on the screen. "Hey, Daisy."

"Hey, girl. How was your meeting? You said you'd call afterwards."

Andi sighed. "I didn't - I couldn't - I'm still sitting in my car outside school. I haven't made it home yet."

"Why not? What happened?"

Daisy was her confidant, her best friend from college, the one person Andi knew would never let her down, but it was still so hard to say it. "They let me go."

"They did what?" Daisy demanded. "I will fly down there right now-"

"Daisy, it's okay," Andi told her, wiping her eyes. "It's not their fault."

"The hell it isn't!"

"The school has to downsize." Andi sniffed. Did she have tissues in the car somewhere? She rooted around in the glove compartment as she continued, "I was the teacher with the least seniority, and they had to combine third and fourth grade. Dan was the logical choice to teach it. I don't blame them."

"I do! From what you've told me, Dan is a-"

"He's a perfectly fine teacher," she protested weakly. "Even if he's kind of a jerk."

"Oh, Andi, I'm so sorry." 

"Thanks."

There was silence for a moment. Andi found some Taco Bell napkins and used them to blow her nose.

"So what now?" Daisy asked.

"I don't know." Andi shook her head. "My principal said she would work with the district to help me find a new call. But that could take months."

"You're still on contract through the end of the year, right?"

"Right."

"So you've got a month. Great! They couldn't make this decision in January, when you'd have had plenty of time to look for something..."

"I know."

Andi put her car into reverse, then slammed it back into park. "This was my dream, damn it all," she said, trying not to sob. "What am I supposed to do now? What if this wasn't God's plan for me after all?"

"Hey. Hey, take a breath, okay? We're going to figure this out." 

"I know." Andi laid her forehead on the steering wheel. "I just wish we didn't have to."

"I know, honey, I know." Daisy paused, then asked, "What's that ice cream place you took me to last time?"

"Um, it's called Harry's."

"Okay. Go there, get a pint of the mint chip, and call me when you get home. Okay?"

"That's a lot of effort."

"I know. But it's a step. You'll get home, you'll have ice cream, you'll have a plan for what to do next. And then we can come up with the next step. Even if that step is just what you're going to wear tomorrow." Andi drew in a breath to speak, but Daisy wasn't done. "I know you've got your five-step plan for your life, but life is about coming up with new plans when things go sideways. It sucks that we have to. But your new plan is going to be even better, Andi. Count on it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now I'm going to hang up, and you're going to call me back when you have ice cream. Deal?"

Andi smiled. "Deal."

Fiction Prompts #1: Continue

Hello, friends! I've decided to do something a little different to start out the New Year. Instead of using Tanner Olsen's latest prompts to write reflective blog posts, I'm going to use them to write some short fiction stories. Enjoy!

Today's prompt is "Continue."

Andi was packing

- or, at least, she was going through stuff, which wasn't exactly the same as packing.

She was sitting on the floor of her bedroom, surrounded by piles: keep, toss, donate. So far, keep was winning by a wide margin. After all, how could she part with her third-grade self-portrait that portrayed her with shockingly large eyes and a tiny nose?

Maybe her mother had a point about her hoarding tendencies.

Shaking her head, she turned to the next box. Old crayons, toss. Although she could turn them into... no, don't tempt yourself with projects you'll never complete, she thought. Next she found a crushed mobile that once looked like falling snowflakes, which she attempted to reanimate before giving up and putting it into the toss pile too. 

Ten minutes later, she had added only two things to the keep pile, and she was at the bottom of the box. Andi was about to break it down when she noticed a wrinkled slip of paper stuck to the cardboard. "Hmm, what's this?" she wondered aloud, holding it up to the light. It read:

"My best friend's name is Andi,

And I think she's sweet as candy.

She's got dark brown hair and eyes to match.

In softball she's always down to catch.

She works hard and plays hard too.

She'll cheer you up if you feel blue.

No matter what, she'll always be there,

And she'll show you that she cares.

She loves her cats, her dogs, and me.

The best of friends we'll always be!"

It was signed,

"Love, your best friend forever, Erin Calloway."

"I remember this," she whispered. It had been an assignment in fifth grade. They had to pick a person and write a rhyming poem about them. She had picked her best friend Erin, and Erin had picked her. Andi had been so sure that Erin would pick someone else; her self-confidence was as low then as it was now. But Erin had picked her, and she’d been so excited about it.

Erin Calloway hadn't crossed Andi’s mind in ages. She moved away after fifth grade, and writing letters just wasn't the same as seeing each other every day. They fell out of touch pretty quickly.

She smoothed the paper in her lap and re-read the poem. "Ha, softball, " she muttered. "That didn't last long."

However, it was interesting to read that some of the things Andi held as important now, were important to her back then, too.

"She'll cheer you up if you feel blue.

No matter what, she'll always be there,

And she'll show you that she cares."

She wondered what she had written about Erin, and whether that still held true for her as well.

Andi was about to move to a new city and start her first "real" job after college. She vacillated between confidence and terror. How was she supposed to teach children when she was definitely not yet a competent adult? How was anyone trusting her with this?

But the answer was right there in the poem.

Cheer them up when they feel blue.

Be there, and show them that you care.

If she just continued doing those things, she would probably be okay.

Carefully, she added Erin's poem to the keep pile.

She could hang it up in her classroom, right next to her favorite quote about teaching: 

"What a teacher is, is more important than what he teaches." - Karl Menninger