Tanner's prompt for today is Mothers.
I've been a mother for over four years now. I was a foster mother first; now I'm an adoptive mother. People tell me all the time that I'm a great mom, an amazing mom, a good role model, an inspiration, that they could never do what I do.
Here's the truth: I'm an okay mom. I'm not great. I'm moody, tired, and quiet most of the time. I am an expert in "do as I say, not as I do." I'm not saying I'm a bad mom, by any means. Working with foster kids taught me what bad parenting is, and that's not me. I'm just saying that I'm far from some saint of a mother.
I like to tell myself that "someday, when I'm not depressed, I'll do better." That's not helpful, though, when my daughter needs me right now. Could I get out of this chair and spend time with her today?
Ask me tomorrow.
Stay tuned for May 12th: Stillness.
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Sunday, May 10, 2020
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
The End of the Decade
Hello, friends.
I'm going to do the stereotypical "it's the end of a decade" post here. Because it is! And it's interesting and informative to reflect back on what the last ten years have been.
In 2010, I turned 18 years old. I graduated high school in Iowa and moved to Wisconsin to begin my first year of college.
Since then, holy cow, a lot has happened.
I graduated college in 3 years.
I've had 9 different jobs and lived in 4 states.
I made a lot of new friends and lost touch with some old ones.
I've gained a sister-in-law and seriously cute godchildren.
I became a dog-mom, and then a foster mom, and then an adoptive mom.
The end of 2019 finds me recovering from following my dreams to Oklahoma. My recovery has led me to Milwaukee, with my wallet a little tighter than before, but my heart much fuller.
Looking back at who I was in 2010, I doubt I ever would have guessed what the next ten years would hold. I never thought my first church work job would be campus ministry in Florida. I would have been aghast to think that my first call would end so painfully. I hoped I'd find my husband by now.
So many things are different than I thought they would be, but that doesn't mean they're bad. I'm ending the decade on a good note, in a good place, with good friends. It may be a note I never would have predicted ten years ago, but it's a good note nonetheless.
Along the same lines, I have no guesses as to where I'll be in 2030. I'd like to see myself in a stable job, with a husband and maybe a few more kids (biological, adoptive, foster, whatever). That's as specific as I want to get. God will fill in the blanks. After all, He certainly did in the last ten years. I have faith that whatever He's got planned for the next ten will be equally surprising and ultimately good.
I'm going to do the stereotypical "it's the end of a decade" post here. Because it is! And it's interesting and informative to reflect back on what the last ten years have been.
In 2010, I turned 18 years old. I graduated high school in Iowa and moved to Wisconsin to begin my first year of college.
Since then, holy cow, a lot has happened.
I graduated college in 3 years.
I've had 9 different jobs and lived in 4 states.
I made a lot of new friends and lost touch with some old ones.
I've gained a sister-in-law and seriously cute godchildren.
I became a dog-mom, and then a foster mom, and then an adoptive mom.
The end of 2019 finds me recovering from following my dreams to Oklahoma. My recovery has led me to Milwaukee, with my wallet a little tighter than before, but my heart much fuller.
Looking back at who I was in 2010, I doubt I ever would have guessed what the next ten years would hold. I never thought my first church work job would be campus ministry in Florida. I would have been aghast to think that my first call would end so painfully. I hoped I'd find my husband by now.
So many things are different than I thought they would be, but that doesn't mean they're bad. I'm ending the decade on a good note, in a good place, with good friends. It may be a note I never would have predicted ten years ago, but it's a good note nonetheless.
Along the same lines, I have no guesses as to where I'll be in 2030. I'd like to see myself in a stable job, with a husband and maybe a few more kids (biological, adoptive, foster, whatever). That's as specific as I want to get. God will fill in the blanks. After all, He certainly did in the last ten years. I have faith that whatever He's got planned for the next ten will be equally surprising and ultimately good.
Sunday, September 29, 2019
The Month My World Turned Upside Down
Hello, friends.
September 2019 - the month my whole life turned upside down in the best possible way. Let me walk you through it.
September 5th: the joyful day that I was officially able to welcome my daughter, Tammy, into my family through adoption. This day was such a long time coming, but at the same time, it seems like very little changed for Tammy and me. We've been mother and daughter for three and a half years. A signature on a piece of paper doesn't make that more real. However, it was a very emotional and exciting day. I'm so glad my parents were able to come and witness it!
September 6th: Tammy's last day at Enid High School. She had so many positive experiences there and made a bunch of friends. I know it was hard for her to say goodbye.
September 7th: the day the moving truck came and hauled away pretty much everything we own. Without my parents and Lindsey Duerr, we never would have gotten everything packed in time! We were also blessed to be able to see Pastor House and Audrey.
September 8th: my last day as the DCE at Redeemer. Many of you know that Redeemer was a stressful place for me the past few years. The pastoral vacancy was overwhelming, and even when it finally ended, things didn't get better. I was hoping and praying for over a year that God would lead me and Tammy elsewhere, and as God always does, He opened a new door at exactly the right time. It was bittersweet to leave Redeemer. There were a lot of wonderful people there, and I loved the opportunity to use my gifts and talents to share the good news about Jesus. On the other hand, of course, it was a relief to be able to walk out of those doors knowing that I wouldn't have to go back. Tammy was also able to have one last hurrah at the mall with her friends.
September 9th: the day Tammy, Kensi, and I said goodbye to Enid and began our trek north. We paused to see our friends Samantha, Aaron, and Lydia in Kansas before stopping at my parents' house in Iowa for the night.
September 10th: I turned 28, got to see my brother, moved into an apartment in Greenfield, WI, and partied with Lindsey, Bryan, and Melissa. You know, an average day.
September 12th: I started my new job at Concordia Lutheran School in Sturtevant as a teacher's aid for the fourth and fifth grade classes. Meanwhile, the moving truck arrived and my apartment became an obstacle course of cardboard boxes.
September 13th: I acquired a second job as the Customer Service Representative at Mrs. Myers' Reading Room in Mt. Pleasant, just down the road from the school.
September 15th: Tammy and I went to Hales Corners Lutheran Church for the first time. It was so refreshing to worship without working, and with friends! I feel like I could get used to this.
September 17th: Tammy started at Greenfield High School. Go, Hustlin' Hawks!
September 21st: Lindsey's Harry Potter themed bachelorette party with Sara and Nicole! What an exceptionally fun day.
September 22nd: We spent the afternoon at Lindsey's apartment, where we helped prepare wedding stuff and watched the Packer game and generally enjoyed ourselves. What is this concept of having friends to hang out with?
September 29th: Tammy started her last year of Confirmation at Hales Corners. We just got back a couple of hours ago, and my heart is so full.
These are not the only things that have happened. Tammy and I have explored Milwaukee a bit and discovered fun places like a park near our apartment and this small lake you might have heard of called Lake Michigan. I've seen my friends several times a week; they've helped us assemble furniture and unpack boxes and go on Target runs and just generally been amazing. I was telling Melissa earlier today (in person!) that although I am fully aware that moving to Wisconsin is not a magical solution for depression, there is something incredibly curative about having a support system around me. I feel like the parts of me that are broken and bruised are steadily healing. It will take time. But there's nothing I can't do with these people by my side. With them, I feel like I can conquer the world.
September 2019 - the month my whole world turned upside down. I'm in a healthy place, with people I love, jobs where I feel appreciated, and an apartment in which my dog can sleep on my bed.
Life is good.
September 2019 - the month my whole life turned upside down in the best possible way. Let me walk you through it.
September 5th: the joyful day that I was officially able to welcome my daughter, Tammy, into my family through adoption. This day was such a long time coming, but at the same time, it seems like very little changed for Tammy and me. We've been mother and daughter for three and a half years. A signature on a piece of paper doesn't make that more real. However, it was a very emotional and exciting day. I'm so glad my parents were able to come and witness it!
September 6th: Tammy's last day at Enid High School. She had so many positive experiences there and made a bunch of friends. I know it was hard for her to say goodbye.
September 7th: the day the moving truck came and hauled away pretty much everything we own. Without my parents and Lindsey Duerr, we never would have gotten everything packed in time! We were also blessed to be able to see Pastor House and Audrey.
September 8th: my last day as the DCE at Redeemer. Many of you know that Redeemer was a stressful place for me the past few years. The pastoral vacancy was overwhelming, and even when it finally ended, things didn't get better. I was hoping and praying for over a year that God would lead me and Tammy elsewhere, and as God always does, He opened a new door at exactly the right time. It was bittersweet to leave Redeemer. There were a lot of wonderful people there, and I loved the opportunity to use my gifts and talents to share the good news about Jesus. On the other hand, of course, it was a relief to be able to walk out of those doors knowing that I wouldn't have to go back. Tammy was also able to have one last hurrah at the mall with her friends.
September 9th: the day Tammy, Kensi, and I said goodbye to Enid and began our trek north. We paused to see our friends Samantha, Aaron, and Lydia in Kansas before stopping at my parents' house in Iowa for the night.
September 10th: I turned 28, got to see my brother, moved into an apartment in Greenfield, WI, and partied with Lindsey, Bryan, and Melissa. You know, an average day.
September 12th: I started my new job at Concordia Lutheran School in Sturtevant as a teacher's aid for the fourth and fifth grade classes. Meanwhile, the moving truck arrived and my apartment became an obstacle course of cardboard boxes.
September 13th: I acquired a second job as the Customer Service Representative at Mrs. Myers' Reading Room in Mt. Pleasant, just down the road from the school.
September 15th: Tammy and I went to Hales Corners Lutheran Church for the first time. It was so refreshing to worship without working, and with friends! I feel like I could get used to this.
September 17th: Tammy started at Greenfield High School. Go, Hustlin' Hawks!
September 21st: Lindsey's Harry Potter themed bachelorette party with Sara and Nicole! What an exceptionally fun day.
September 22nd: We spent the afternoon at Lindsey's apartment, where we helped prepare wedding stuff and watched the Packer game and generally enjoyed ourselves. What is this concept of having friends to hang out with?
September 29th: Tammy started her last year of Confirmation at Hales Corners. We just got back a couple of hours ago, and my heart is so full.
These are not the only things that have happened. Tammy and I have explored Milwaukee a bit and discovered fun places like a park near our apartment and this small lake you might have heard of called Lake Michigan. I've seen my friends several times a week; they've helped us assemble furniture and unpack boxes and go on Target runs and just generally been amazing. I was telling Melissa earlier today (in person!) that although I am fully aware that moving to Wisconsin is not a magical solution for depression, there is something incredibly curative about having a support system around me. I feel like the parts of me that are broken and bruised are steadily healing. It will take time. But there's nothing I can't do with these people by my side. With them, I feel like I can conquer the world.
September 2019 - the month my whole world turned upside down. I'm in a healthy place, with people I love, jobs where I feel appreciated, and an apartment in which my dog can sleep on my bed.
Life is good.
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