A List, Part 1/12

Hello, friends!

I have low self-esteem. I wonder all the time whether I am making a difference. So, to combat that, I challenged myself this year to write down, daily, the difference I've made, no matter how big or small it is, and give thanks. 

My definition of "making a difference" is pretty broad. It can mean anything from helping someone, to working with my students, to doing something on the weekend other than sitting on my butt. The purpose of this activity is to give me something tangible to look back on when I'm feeling down, so I can say, "Yes, I am worthwhile, even when I don't feel that way." If there's a secondary purpose, it's to remind me that small things matter just as much as big things.

Here are a few from the month of January.

• January 1 - made Lindsey laugh.
• January 2 - did laundry and dishes.
• January 3 - helped Tammy clean her room.
• January 4 - advocated for my 4th-grade student.
• January 5 - got to know the kids at my new after-school job.
• January 6 - filled out paperwork.
• January 7 - helped my 4th-grade teacher.
• January 8 - helped Tammy with job coach interview.
• January 9 - recorded Melissa's trombone playing.
• January 10 - helped Kelsey make cheesecake for Jeff's birthday.
• January 11 - looked up some materials to use with my 4th-grade student.
• January 12 - taught my 4th-grade student the word "uterus."
• January 13 - wrote in my blog.
• January 14 - asked a friend how her grandma was doing.
• January 15 - successfully completed a week of sex ed.
• January 16 - washed Melissa's dishes.
• January 17 - made chex mix and puppy chow with Lindsey.
• January 18 - made potato soup and chicken casserole.
• January 19 - worked with my 4th-grade student.
• January 20 - watched the inauguration with Tammy.
• January 21 - texted Lindsey an endless stream of Bernie gifs.
• January 22 - discovered a new feel-good TV show.
• January 23 - planned all of my outfits for National Lutheran Schools Week.
• January 24 - brought Bryan Culver's for lunch.
• January 25 - laughed a lot with a kindergartener at my after-school job.
• January 26 - wrote up my observations of my 4th-grade student for her evaluation.
• January 27 - tried to teach my 4th-grade student how to hula hoop.
• January 28 - emailed my after-school-care supervisor about some students.
• January 29 - made delicious sautéed cinnamon apples with peanut butter and granola.
• January 30 - made chocolate bundt cake (my grandma's recipe!).
• January 31 - went tubing with Kelsey, Jeff, and Melissa.

I give thanks to God for all of the good things he's put in my path this month!

Fiction Prompts #5: Brave

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Brave.

Andi's first day of being a teacher was the most exciting day of her life. To be sure, she was clumsy and awkward and second-guessed herself a lot, but she enjoyed herself and knew, without a doubt in her mind, that this was where she was supposed to be and what she was supposed to be doing.

Her first day at her second call was a little different.

She was excited, definitely. She was teaching the same grade as she did before, which helped her confidence level a bit. But it was a new city, school, classroom, and experience. She didn't entirely believe she was where she was supposed to be, doing what she was supposed to be doing.

When she arrived at her new school that first morning, she found an envelope on her desk. Inside was a piece of Dove chocolate and a simple notecard that read, "God's blessings on your first day!" It was signed with her principal's name.

Andi sat down and took a look around.

Her classroom theme was dolphins. She had painstakingly decorated each bulletin board and student desk. Her white board already had the day's assignments listed on it for her children to copy down. She needed to power up her Smartboard and laptop and get ready to start the day.

She looked at the notecard again, propped it up against a mug full of pencils.

"I can do this," she told herself.

Fiction Prompts #2: New

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is "New."

Andi knew exactly how her life was going to play out.

Step 1: Go to college. (Check.)

Step 2: Acquire her teaching degree. (Check.)

Step 3: Receive a call to teach at a Lutheran school. (Check.)

Step 4: Teach at that school for at least 10 years. 

Step 5: While at that school, meet that special someone and get married.

Steps 1, 2, and 3 were complete, but for several months now, she'd had this nagging feeling in the back of her mind about Steps 4 and 5.

The school board meeting had just confirmed it.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket. She dug it out and tried to smile at the name on the screen. "Hey, Daisy."

"Hey, girl. How was your meeting? You said you'd call afterwards."

Andi sighed. "I didn't - I couldn't - I'm still sitting in my car outside school. I haven't made it home yet."

"Why not? What happened?"

Daisy was her confidant, her best friend from college, the one person Andi knew would never let her down, but it was still so hard to say it. "They let me go."

"They did what?" Daisy demanded. "I will fly down there right now-"

"Daisy, it's okay," Andi told her, wiping her eyes. "It's not their fault."

"The hell it isn't!"

"The school has to downsize." Andi sniffed. Did she have tissues in the car somewhere? She rooted around in the glove compartment as she continued, "I was the teacher with the least seniority, and they had to combine third and fourth grade. Dan was the logical choice to teach it. I don't blame them."

"I do! From what you've told me, Dan is a-"

"He's a perfectly fine teacher," she protested weakly. "Even if he's kind of a jerk."

"Oh, Andi, I'm so sorry." 

"Thanks."

There was silence for a moment. Andi found some Taco Bell napkins and used them to blow her nose.

"So what now?" Daisy asked.

"I don't know." Andi shook her head. "My principal said she would work with the district to help me find a new call. But that could take months."

"You're still on contract through the end of the year, right?"

"Right."

"So you've got a month. Great! They couldn't make this decision in January, when you'd have had plenty of time to look for something..."

"I know."

Andi put her car into reverse, then slammed it back into park. "This was my dream, damn it all," she said, trying not to sob. "What am I supposed to do now? What if this wasn't God's plan for me after all?"

"Hey. Hey, take a breath, okay? We're going to figure this out." 

"I know." Andi laid her forehead on the steering wheel. "I just wish we didn't have to."

"I know, honey, I know." Daisy paused, then asked, "What's that ice cream place you took me to last time?"

"Um, it's called Harry's."

"Okay. Go there, get a pint of the mint chip, and call me when you get home. Okay?"

"That's a lot of effort."

"I know. But it's a step. You'll get home, you'll have ice cream, you'll have a plan for what to do next. And then we can come up with the next step. Even if that step is just what you're going to wear tomorrow." Andi drew in a breath to speak, but Daisy wasn't done. "I know you've got your five-step plan for your life, but life is about coming up with new plans when things go sideways. It sucks that we have to. But your new plan is going to be even better, Andi. Count on it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now I'm going to hang up, and you're going to call me back when you have ice cream. Deal?"

Andi smiled. "Deal."

Playlist Prompt #30: "Into the Unknown"

Hello, friends! My final prompt for November, the month of extremely random songs, is courtesy of Kelsey. It's the song all of you had in your heads when Frozen 2 came out: "Into the Unknown."

During this scene in the movie, Queen Elsa is trying desperately to resist the temptation to go on a new adventure. She tells the voice she keeps hearing, "I've had my adventure, I don't need something new. I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you into the unknown."

Later, as she's warming to the idea of following the voice, she says, "Every day's a little harder as I feel my power grow. Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go into the unknown?"

I actually had "The Unknown" as a writing prompt back in June, and back then, here's what I wrote:

"I used to be okay with the unknown. [Moving to Oklahoma] backfired, and I found myself longing for the "known." I wanted my old friends, my old home, my old life. ... I don't know that I'll ever venture into that dramatic of an "unknown" again."

In June, whenever I thought about the future, I felt sad. I couldn't imagine being happy doing anything other than being a DCE. I told everyone who asked that my skills fit that career so perfectly, they couldn't possibly match up with anything else. I was like Elsa in Frozen 2 saying that I've had my adventure, and it was plenty, and I didn't need anything else, ever.

Now?

I don't want to reveal too much yet, because there are a lot of, well, unknowns. But for the first time since I left Oklahoma, I feel that longing again. The longing for something new, something unfamiliar, something that feels like me. Something that I can see myself doing without feeling sad for what I've lost. It's a liberating feeling. 

More details to come, I hope!

In the meantime... I won't be writing every day in December, because that's a lot. But if anyone has any bright Christmas-related writing prompt ideas, please share! Thanks for following along with me this month! And a special thanks to Lindsey, Melissa, Rachel, Kelsey, and Zach for providing me with songs to write about - it was a lot of fun! 

Playlist Prompt #29: "Music Box"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt is a song by one of my favorite artists, Malinda, called "Music Box."

There's one line that's always stood out to me in this song:

"Whose face is in the mirror today? Is it me, or am I in the way?"

I get in my own way a lot. I look at myself in the mirror and think only about what I perceive to be wrong. That's not healthy, or helpful, or positive. It's an odd behavior if you think about it, because if I was looking at anyone else's face, I would be only focusing on what was right and beautiful and lovely. I try to be very affirming of my friends and family. I build them up as much as I can. So why do I use words with myself that I would never use with anyone else?

That begs the question, how can I get out of my own way?

There's no easy answer to that question, but I do see one starting point: using positive words.

Playlist Prompt #22: "Little Talks"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men.

This song is a conversation between a husband and wife. The catch is, the husband has passed away, and the wife is kind of having this conversation inside her head.

Do you ever have conversations with yourself? I do, all the time. The "me" in my head is usually not as nice and sweet as the husband is in the song. The "me" inside my mind is pretty mean, actually. It tells me all the things I'm doing wrong. It tells me all the reasons my friends don't really like me. It tells me I can't. It tells me I won't. It tells me nothing really matters.

Sometimes I need someone to shout "Hey!" at me to get me out of my head. Whether that's literally making a counterpoint to what my brain is telling me, or giving me a hug, or bringing me lasagna or custard or muffins, or sitting in my living room inspiring me to be productive - whatever it might be, it helps, because it's really hard to contradict what I'm hearing inside my head all alone. I need outside sources to counteract what I tell myself.

So whenever I ask you something that seems obvious to you, or beg you for help with something that's not hard, just remember - you're helping me fight my sinful, broken self. It may seem simple to you, but it's not to me. You're being Jesus with skin on, and I appreciate it more than words can say!

Playlist Prompt #19: "Even If It Breaks Your Heart"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Zach, is the song "Even If It Breaks Your Heart" by the Eli Young Band.

Not-so-fun fact: after moving to Wisconsin last September, I wrote a memoir of sorts about my time in Oklahoma. From the title, "Church Work Sucks," can you guess what the overall mood of my writing was?

Let me tell you - I thought that place broke my heart for good. I didn't want to dream anymore. I didn't even want to think about church work, at all, ever. I had a mild anxiety attack a few months after moving because someone was excited to learn that I had once been a DCE and wanted to talk about it. I did not want to talk about it, but it felt like every little thing reminded me of it, and it was truly depressing. I was sure there was something wrong with me, and that I would never feel free enough to follow my dream again.

The song says it, though - some dreams never go away entirely, no matter what kind of experiences you've had with them.

"Some dreams stay with you forever / drag you around but bring you back to where you were / Some dreams keep on getting better / Gotta keep believing if you want to know for sure."

I thought I'd lost the ability to dream, but as it turns out, my dreams were just evolving a bit. As a DCE, I'd wanted to impact the lives of young people and help them find their place in God's story. I am still doing that. I am still following that dream.

I am not "just a teacher's aide," as I tend to self-deprecatedly describe myself. I am a teacher's aide, a dedicated aide for a fourth grader with special needs, someone who matters in the grand scheme of things, who is making a difference each and every day. That's all I've ever dreamed about. My heart isn't broken after all - sometimes I feel like the Grinch on Christmas, with my heart growing three sizes every day. I never thought I'd feel that way again. I was wrong, and I am so glad.

Playlist Prompt #17: "Learn to Fly"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "Learn to Fly" by the Foo Fighters.

The chorus seems to give the best summary of the song:

"Now I'm looking to the sky to save me / looking for a sign of life / Looking for something to help me burn out bright / I'm looking for a complication / Looking 'cause I'm tired of lying / Make my way back home when I learn to fly high"

According to Dave Grohl, the song is about "the search for some sort of inspiration, the search for signs of life that will make you feel alive." 

I know this search well! I am always looking for something that will make me feel like I'm doing more than just surviving. My search for inspiration has led me to people (my friends, my daughter, my niece and nephew, etc.). It has led me to work (specifically the Lutheran Campus Initiative, my job at Redeemer, and now my job at Concordia). It has led me to writing. Growing up, my search led me to sports and school and youth group. Recently, I've turned to hiking and cooking and Marvel movies.

You may have noticed that my search has led me to a lot of places. That's because I'll never find lasting inspiration here on Earth. Everything is fleeting.

"I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind." (Ecclesiastes 1:14)

 Knowing that nothing will satisfy me is actually helpful. It's a reminder that I'm not doing this whole "living" thing wrong. Nothing on Earth is supposed to satisfy me, because Earth is not where I belong! Someday, I'll get to Heaven, to the place that Jesus has prepared for me, and I won't have to search for inspiration anymore. It will be literally at my fingertips all the time. Isn't that a wonderful thought? 

Playlist Prompt #11: "Me, Who Am I?"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of me, is the song "Me, Who Am I?" from the Broadway musical "Cinderella."

I ask myself that question a lot. Who am I? The answer is certainly a little different than it was when I started this blog, six years and two hundred posts ago. Back then, I was a recent college grad on my first big adventure. Florida wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was following my ministry dreams where they led me. I knew what I was meant to do. I was shaky sometimes - my anxiety was alive and well - but I was usually able to overcome it.

I feel like six-years-ago me was the bright-eyed bushy-tailed rookie. In contrast, right-now me is the seasoned, disillusioned veteran. I'm where I want to be, but I've seen some things. I don't have the same sunny outlook I once did. My anxiety's through the roof, and I can't control it.

In the song "Me, Who Am I?", Prince Topher has a vastly lower opinion of himself than his knights and subjects do. Here's how he describes himself:

"Me, who am I? A far from perfect guy / a bum who wants to do what's right but often does what's wrong / a kid who's voice is way off key but loves to sing a song / a guy who dreams like a lion but wakes up like a lamb"

Meanwhile, his knights and subjects describe him with these glowing reviews:

"His Royal Highness, Christopher Rupert, slayer of dragons, pitiless to ogres, destroyer of griffins and giants, no friend to gargoyles, nice to the needy, sportsman and poet"

So who is right - Prince Topher, or his knights and subjects?

I have similar questions sometimes. How I describe myself is very different from how other people describe me. My friends call me caring, funny, inspiring. My coworkers call me hardworking, dedicated, a self-starter. Those aren't the words I use to describe myself. Does that mean they're wrong? Who am I, really? Why does it feel like I'm not the same person I was six years ago?

Here's what I know about anxiety: it lies. I can't trust it, and therefore, I can't usually trust my own thoughts about myself. That doesn't mean they're all wrong. It just means that my thoughts - the ones that stem from my anxiety - aren't painting an accurate, full picture of myself.

I can trust my friends. If I couldn't, they wouldn't be my friends, now would they?

I can trust my family. I can trust my coworkers. 

For the most part, when the people in my life tell me something about myself, I can trust that what they say is true.

I can also trust that God's Word is true. Here's just a snippet of what the Bible tells me about who I am:

I was created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

God knew me and chose me before I was even born. (Jeremiah 1:5)

I am one with Christ in my baptism. (Galatians 3:27-29)

I am forgiven of all of my sins. I do not need to be afraid. (Isaiah 43:1)

I was created and saved for specific good works. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

I will have eternal life. (John 3:16)

When I can't trust my own thoughts, I can go to the people I love and trust theirs instead. God, my family, my friends - they will tell me who I am. That hasn't changed in the last six years. 

So who am I?

Here's me, trusting you all out there to tell me, because I need it tonight.

Playlist Prompt #5: "Touch The Sky"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of myself, is the song "Touch The Sky" from the movie "Brave."

This song plays in the movie throughout a scene in which Merida is able to escape castle life for a day and ride her horse into the woods. She explains it this way:

"Once in awhile, there's a day when I don't have to be a princess. No lessons, no expectations, a day where anything can happen. A day I can change my fate."

Throughout this scene, we see Merida in her element. She's riding her horse like the expert she is. She's practicing archery, a feat at which she clearly excels, just for the fun of it. She sees a cliff and climbs it because she can, and she's exuberant when she reaches the top. In short, this is Merida when she feels completely free. Just listen to the chorus:

"I will ride, I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky!"

I remember that feeling from when I used to be a runner. My adventures may have been a little less dramatic than Merida's, but I know the feeling of freedom she's experiencing here - the thrill of doing something joyful and powerful for no one but yourself. I used to have a somewhat unsafe habit of running during thunderstorms. I loved being the only person in sight, soaked to the skin, chasing after that runner's high in between flashes of lightning.

I haven't found an equivalent to that feeling since I stopped running. I hope I do someday, because there's nothing quite like it.

Do any of you know that feeling? Share what gives you that sense of freedom in the Facebook comments!

Playlist Prompt #4: "Shake It Off"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Kelsey, is the song "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift.

I assume that, unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard this song before. If you're anything like me, however, you might have never really listened to the lyrics. I confess that even after listening to the song several times over the last four days and watching the music video for the first time this morning, I didn't really get it.

Then I watched some behind-the-scenes videos. In them, we get Taylor's commentary on the song and video, along with many takes of her trying out a variety of styles of dance. 

In the song, Taylor talks about how to respond when people say nasty things. In essence, her advice is "shake it off," but there's more to it than that. She talks about how important it is to dance to your own beat and not spend time worrying about what other people say.

The video itself goes into this on a deeper level, showing Taylor dancing with a variety of different groups (ballerinas, modern dancers, rhythmic gymnasts, cheerleaders, etc.). The catch is that she's not good at those types of dance! She stands out. She doesn't fit in. And that's the point. It's not until the very end that she finds her group where even her silly dancing looks cool, because no one is judging her. She can dance to her own beat without needing to impress anyone or worry about what they might say.

Here are my takeaways:

-Be yourself, no matter what others say.

-Be silly and have fun.

-Set your own goals and work towards them because you want to, not because you need to prove anything.

Here's my favorite Taylor quote from one of those behind-the-scenes videos I mentioned:

"A lot of people who I think will relate to this song are people who are dealing with not ever really feeling cool with themselves because other people make them feel like they don't fit in. ... I don't think it's the most important thing in life to fit in. I think it's the most important thing in life to dance to the beat of your own drum and to look like you're having more fun than the people who look cool, like they fit in. "

October Writing Prompt #6: Slow Down

Hello, friends. Tanner's prompt for to(yester)day is Slow Down.

My fourth grade student and I have the same conversation a lot. It goes like this:

"Are we in a rush?"

"No, dear, we're in no hurry at all."

"I thought you wanted me to go fast."

"No, I want you to take your time and do your work correctly."

Sometimes I wish someone would give me the same reminder. When I set out to write this blog post, I didn't want to write about slowing down. The idea of slowing down makes me feel bad. I know how my student feels! She looks around and sees her classmates doing things that she isn't doing or can't do, and she doesn't entirely understand why, and all she wants to do is speed up and catch up and be like everyone else. 

But that's not a reasonable expectation. It's more important for her to focus on herself and what she can do than on everyone else and what they can do.

In the same way, though I may feel that my progress in life is slow, though I may look around and see my friends and family doing things that I'm not doing or can't do, it wouldn't be helpful for me to try to speed up and catch up and be like everyone else. That's not a reasonable expectation. It's more important for me to take a breath and focus on myself and what I can do.

I'm not in a rush.

There's no hurry at all.

I can take my time.

It's okay to go slow.

Stay tuned for October 19th: Begin.

Blooper Reels

Hello, friends!

In recent months, I have been lucky enough to film Melissa playing the piano or trombone. (Beautifully, might I add.) It's fun to help her share her talents and joy in music with the Facebook world. It's also fun because Melissa is almost never satisfied with her first try, leading to a variety of funny moments before the final video goes live. Yesterday I compiled those funny moments into a blooper reel, and even though I'm the one who made the video and I also witnessed all of these moments firsthand, I still can't stop giggling whenever I watch it. Which has been often.

I call Melissa the Queen of Self-Confidence, and this is an example as to why. I don't know that I'd feel comfortable having some of my mistakes broadcast to the world, no matter how silly they are. The other day, I burned exactly one pancake, and it threw me off for the rest of the night. If someone had randomly been filming me, I would not have been cool with putting that out there for other people to see. It's ridiculous sometimes how much tiny things will affect my self-esteem!

But "bloopers" are a part of life. We all make mistakes, silly and otherwise, and it's healthy to acknowledge them, laugh at them, be willing to share them. It's when we isolate ourselves and fear judgment above all else that we forget to really live. Whether it's a wrong note on the piano or a pancake that gets a little too brown... those are things that happen to us, but they are not who we are, unless we let them be.

The Things You Do for Friends

Hello, friends! I enjoyed following along with Tanner Olsen's writing prompts so much that I asked for some from you guys. And you delivered! Today's prompt is "the things you do for friends," thanks, LeeAnna! :)

I brag on my friends a lot on my blog, and they deserve it. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through the past few years without them. But one thing I don't talk about very often is how much I enjoy being a friend. I'm perfectly happy to brag on my friends. Bragging on myself is weird, and that's what this is going to sound like at first.

I love being a good friend, you guys. I love washing my friends' dishes when they're overflowing. I love watering their flowers when they're gone. I love helping them pack and unpack. I love picking something up for them when they can't. I love making soup for them when they're sick. I do! I just absolutely love doing those things for my friends. It makes my heart so full.

Obviously, I also love being a silly friend. I'll hide sticky notes around your place if left alone for five minutes. I'll send your significant other obnoxious text messages. I'll poke your shoulder over and over for an hour. I'll put weird events in your phone calendar. I'll tell you terrible puns every day for the rest of your life.

I love joking around and being ridiculous, but here's the thing: I know how much of a difference even the tiniest of kind gestures can make. If I can make that kind of difference, I'm going to, especially for my friends.

I couldn't be that kind of good friend for four years, because I didn't have many friends in Oklahoma. It felt like I took and took and never had the opportunity to give. I was a single mother without any family close by, so of course I had to ask for help a lot, but I was never asked to reciprocate. I didn't realize how much I missed that opportunity until I moved back to Wisconsin.

Back to the prompt: "the things you do for friends." Those things look different for everyone, don't they? I've explained my things, but those things might not be your things, and that is perfectly okay. Wonderful, even! I'm reminded of the love languages - words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, physical touch. We're all different. We all naturally show our love in different ways.

So find your language, and speak it joyfully. Speak it loudly, or speak it in whispers, but don't let anything silence you. Find the kind of love that fills your heart while it fills the hearts of others. Be the person God made you to be - loving in your own way.

Writing Prompt #17: Mercy

Tanner's prompt for today is Mercy.

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." -Hebrews 4:14-16

According to Dictionary.com, "mercy" is "compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm." Think about that in the context of this passage from Hebrews. The author is going on and on about our high priest, Jesus, and how perfect he is. He was tempted just as we are, yet never sinned, not once. He has the power to destroy us for our weakness. And yet...

"...draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy..."

We shouldn't avoid Jesus because of his perfect obedience and his hatred of sin. We should draw near to him, so that we may receive mercy. We can be confident that we will find it there. We don't have to worry. There's no doubt. He understands us, and despite that, or perhaps because of that, he loves us.

The God of the universe looks at every one of our sinful, broken souls and says, "I love you. I choose you. I will heal you."

It's mercy, plain and simple.

Stay tuned for... the next time I write in my blog, since I'm out of writing prompts!

Disney Reflections

Hello, friends. Today I was listening to "Reflection" from Mulan in the car. (I would lie and say I only listen to Disney music because of my daughter, but let's face it, none of you would believe me.) Part of the song goes like this:

"Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

I've always related to this song because I've rarely felt comfortable in my own skin - at least, not for very long. Oh, I did for a bit in high school and a bit in college, but ever since, I've been searching for what I'm supposed to look like. What I want to see in myself isn't always what other people want or expect to see.

I think I've found it.

Here I am, in my (less messy than usual but still not clean) kitchen, wearing my Concordia cross country sweatshirt and a t-shirt from an Oklahoma state park, about to get dinner started for my foster daughter. If you'd asked me five years ago if this is what I would look like, or want to look like, I would've said no way. I wanted a husband by now, and maybe a baby, and a slightly bigger kitchen, and to be better at cooking and cleaning by now. But per the usual, God's plan trumped mine, and here I am. 

Happy. 

That's not to say I still don't want those other things. I do, and someday I hope I'll have them. But for right now? This is who I am, and I'm comfortable with that. 

A Sort-Of Psalm

Hello, friends.

I once had an assignment in which I had to write a story of sorts in the style of an Old Testament book. If I'm remembering correctly, I chose Jonah. It was an interesting exercise - using biblical language to describe something in the modern day. Well, today was a rather long and frustrating day for me. When I first day down to write a blog post, I entirely intended to do nothing but complain. But I think it would be helpful for me to write about my day in the style of a book of the Bible again, and once I get to the end, you'll see why. Here goes nothing, kind of in the style of one of the Psalms of lament.

O Lord, today I felt alone,
    exhausted, and betrayed.
I did all that I could do
    and still, it was not enough.
My best of intentions
    amounted to nothing at all.

Those supposed to help
    were absent and unashamed.
When I needed them the most,
    they were elsewhere.
And I wondered, Lord God,
    where were You?

But when I looked around,
    I found You everywhere.
You were there in my daughter;
    You were there in my pastor;
You were in the kindness of friends
    and the sympathy of family.
I did not want to see You,
    But You were still there.

Lord, Forgiver and Redeemer,
    convict me with Your presence
and help me to be the person
    You created me to be.

Super DCE to the Rescue

Not all heroes wear capes. Some of us wear dress pants and nice shirts. Or sometimes jeans and nice shirts. Occasionally shorts and t-shirts. I don't have a uniform, okay? I just don't wear a cape. I'm Super DCE, and I can do anything! The acolyte hasn't shown up yet? It's Super DCE with the save, recruiting another likely young person. The sound system isn't working? Not a problem for Super DCE – I'll just shout my children's message. There's a dog loose in the parking lot? Don't worry, I'll... wait, that's my dog. That's embarrassing.

It's not all fun and games for Super DCE, despite what most people think. Just to clear the air: Super DCE does not play with kids all day long, although I would probably enjoy that. At least for a week or so. Yeah, actually, Vacation Bible School once a year is enough to play with kids all the time. Have you ever led a Vacation Bible School? Can you say exhausting?

Speaking of exhausting, have you ever been to a National Youth Gathering? Let me tell you, Super DCE rocked that last National Youth Gathering. And then, after I got home, I immediately crashed. All of that counting was a struggle. I'm not good at math, you see, and I had to count my students constantly. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve... where's Alex??

Vacation Bible Schools and National Youth Gatherings are in my call documents, but Super DCE is actually in charge of all kinds of things. I am the guardian of the basketballs, the locker of doors, the fixer of computers, the organizer of the pantry, and the maker of the Sacrament of Coffee. The Pre-K Sunday school teacher doesn't show? Super DCE steps in with a storybook and crayons. The storage closet is a mess? Super DCE takes a day to go through every. single. bottle. of paint. Why do we have 75 bottles of paint? That is beyond the grasp of even Super DCE.

It often seems like it's always Super DCE to the rescue. No matter what the problem is, I end up trying to address it. There's infighting among the leaders of the church? Super DCE to the rescue! A building project is trying to get off the ground? Super DCE to the rescue! Someone is trying to pass a flawed budget? Super DCE to the rescue!

At the end of the day, though, I know that I'm not really the rescuer. Super DCE is great, but even heroes need a hero, and not one that wears a cape. My hero wears a crown of thorns. When Super DCE loses her temper, Jesus is there. When Super DCE is tired, Jesus is there. When Super DCE is out of ideas, Jesus is there. No matter how hard I try, Super DCE can't save the whole world – and that's okay. Jesus already did.

My Failures as a Parent

Hello, friends.

Recently I've caught myself thinking some of these thoughts:

"Man, I'm really not good at this parenting thing."
"I can't believe I didn't notice that she wasn't brushing her hair."
"My house is such a mess... what kind of example am I setting?"
"I should be spending more time with her, but I'm so tired."
"Maybe I shouldn't be doing this."

I didn't take the easy road when I became a foster parent, that's for sure. I've never been one to take the easy road, but this - this is the hardest road I've ever walked. Foster parenting is frustrating and exhausting and overwhelming. I wonder all the time if this was a good decision.

Then I think about where my foster daughter might be if I hadn't taken her in. Yes, this situation is hard for me, but imagine what it's like for her. Here in my home, she knows that she is safe, and loved, and cared for. Those things have never been a guarantee for her before.

So when I find myself thinking about my failures as a parent, I remember that I've been doing this for a grand total of 8 months, and I am not expected to be perfect - just present.

This was never about me. It was always about her.

A Year and a Day Ago

Hello, friends.

A year and a day ago, I moved to Enid, Oklahoma. So much has changed, but one thing has not:

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)

Even as I grow in my career and my personal life, even as I am DCE Mary during the day and Mom when school gets out, even as I learn who "Mary" really is, I know that my God is the same as He was when I lived in Urbandale, and Mequon, and Tallahassee. My location has changed, my position has changed, my relationships have changed, but my God has not.

What else is there to say?