The In-Between

Hello, friends, and welcome back to Iowa Girl Meets World! In this episode, Iowa Girl sits in a borrowed chair in her bedroom and contemplates whether or not to go load the dishwasher before bed. So far, the answer's a resounding "that's a lot of work," but we'll see how the episode ends, shall we?

Iowa Girl Meets World has been on an extremely intentional 7-month hiatus. Since we last saw our heroine, she has:

1) celebrated her daughter's 18th birthday and graduation

2) co-taught a summer school classroom

3) upgraded to 5th grade and a rolling chair at work

4) spent a month celebrating her own 30th birthday

We don't have time to do a full rehash of the last 7 months, but rest assured, they've contained the usual assortment of ups and downs and in-betweens. This weekend has been an in-between. Excellent TV show watching? Check. Trouble getting up until early afternoon? Check. Time spent with a friend? Check. General lack of motivation? Check.

All life is really an in-between. This week won't be perfect, but neither will it be awful. It'll be a week. There will be laughter and joy, frustration and exhaustion, and, well, everything in between. And that's okay. In the past 7 months, this Iowa Girl has grown enough in her mental health to be able to say, "I can do this" - no matter what "this" happens to be. And if failure occurs, this Iowa Girl can get up and try again. It might take a few days and some help from friends and family, but it'll be worth it.

On that note, time to load that dishwasher. This is Iowa Girl Meets World, signing out.

Fiction Prompts #4: Light

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Light.

"You light up my life."

Daisy groaned. "Come on, enough with the puns already!"

"Did you hear the one about the party at the light bulb factory?"

"Don't..."

"It was pretty lit!"

"Andi!"

"What? I'm happy! In fact, I'm -"

"Delighted, yes, I've got it!"

"And we're installing light fixtures in my new place, which is close to yours and close to my new place of employment. Give me this moment, Daisy!"

Daisy put her screwdriver down and gave Andi a fixed look. "Have you thought about what color you're going to paint your bedroom?"

"Not yet, why?"

"What's blue and not very heavy?"

Andi thought for a second, then grinned. "Light blue!"

Fiction Prompts #3: Through It All

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Through It All.

"Can we just fast-forward a few years?" Andi asked. "Maybe by then, this will have all worked out."

Daisy tossed a pillow at her. Andi didn't get her hands up in time to catch it; it hit her square in the face. "Hey!" she protested. "I'm having a crisis here, why are you throwing things at me?"

"Nothing else has worked," her friend told her frankly. "I thought maybe that would snap you out of it."

"'Snap me out of it'?" Andi sat up and glared at her friend. "I don't need to be 'snapped out of it.' I need a job!"

"I know, honey." Daisy shrugged. "And I know how hard this is. But you need to move forward somehow, and sitting here wanting to make it all go away is not actually going to make it all go away."

"Wouldn't that be great, though?" Andi managed to duck the pillow this time. "Okay, okay, fine. Tell me, O wise woman. What will make this all go away?"

"Nothing." Daisy snagged one of the pillows back and put it behind her head. "Other than time, maybe, but we can't sit around and wait for it. So you don't have a call yet? Find something else - not even necessarily a job, just something - that you find fulfilling in the meantime. You can't just sit here in my apartment, as much fun as that is. And I know you. You need something to do if you want to feel better."

Andi didn't say anything for a moment as she considered this. Finally she said, "It's almost illegal for you to know me this well."

"Through thick and thin, Andi," Daisy replied. "Now let's brainstorm."

Fiction Prompts #2: New

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is "New."

Andi knew exactly how her life was going to play out.

Step 1: Go to college. (Check.)

Step 2: Acquire her teaching degree. (Check.)

Step 3: Receive a call to teach at a Lutheran school. (Check.)

Step 4: Teach at that school for at least 10 years. 

Step 5: While at that school, meet that special someone and get married.

Steps 1, 2, and 3 were complete, but for several months now, she'd had this nagging feeling in the back of her mind about Steps 4 and 5.

The school board meeting had just confirmed it.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket. She dug it out and tried to smile at the name on the screen. "Hey, Daisy."

"Hey, girl. How was your meeting? You said you'd call afterwards."

Andi sighed. "I didn't - I couldn't - I'm still sitting in my car outside school. I haven't made it home yet."

"Why not? What happened?"

Daisy was her confidant, her best friend from college, the one person Andi knew would never let her down, but it was still so hard to say it. "They let me go."

"They did what?" Daisy demanded. "I will fly down there right now-"

"Daisy, it's okay," Andi told her, wiping her eyes. "It's not their fault."

"The hell it isn't!"

"The school has to downsize." Andi sniffed. Did she have tissues in the car somewhere? She rooted around in the glove compartment as she continued, "I was the teacher with the least seniority, and they had to combine third and fourth grade. Dan was the logical choice to teach it. I don't blame them."

"I do! From what you've told me, Dan is a-"

"He's a perfectly fine teacher," she protested weakly. "Even if he's kind of a jerk."

"Oh, Andi, I'm so sorry." 

"Thanks."

There was silence for a moment. Andi found some Taco Bell napkins and used them to blow her nose.

"So what now?" Daisy asked.

"I don't know." Andi shook her head. "My principal said she would work with the district to help me find a new call. But that could take months."

"You're still on contract through the end of the year, right?"

"Right."

"So you've got a month. Great! They couldn't make this decision in January, when you'd have had plenty of time to look for something..."

"I know."

Andi put her car into reverse, then slammed it back into park. "This was my dream, damn it all," she said, trying not to sob. "What am I supposed to do now? What if this wasn't God's plan for me after all?"

"Hey. Hey, take a breath, okay? We're going to figure this out." 

"I know." Andi laid her forehead on the steering wheel. "I just wish we didn't have to."

"I know, honey, I know." Daisy paused, then asked, "What's that ice cream place you took me to last time?"

"Um, it's called Harry's."

"Okay. Go there, get a pint of the mint chip, and call me when you get home. Okay?"

"That's a lot of effort."

"I know. But it's a step. You'll get home, you'll have ice cream, you'll have a plan for what to do next. And then we can come up with the next step. Even if that step is just what you're going to wear tomorrow." Andi drew in a breath to speak, but Daisy wasn't done. "I know you've got your five-step plan for your life, but life is about coming up with new plans when things go sideways. It sucks that we have to. But your new plan is going to be even better, Andi. Count on it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now I'm going to hang up, and you're going to call me back when you have ice cream. Deal?"

Andi smiled. "Deal."

Fiction Prompts #1: Continue

Hello, friends! I've decided to do something a little different to start out the New Year. Instead of using Tanner Olsen's latest prompts to write reflective blog posts, I'm going to use them to write some short fiction stories. Enjoy!

Today's prompt is "Continue."

Andi was packing

- or, at least, she was going through stuff, which wasn't exactly the same as packing.

She was sitting on the floor of her bedroom, surrounded by piles: keep, toss, donate. So far, keep was winning by a wide margin. After all, how could she part with her third-grade self-portrait that portrayed her with shockingly large eyes and a tiny nose?

Maybe her mother had a point about her hoarding tendencies.

Shaking her head, she turned to the next box. Old crayons, toss. Although she could turn them into... no, don't tempt yourself with projects you'll never complete, she thought. Next she found a crushed mobile that once looked like falling snowflakes, which she attempted to reanimate before giving up and putting it into the toss pile too. 

Ten minutes later, she had added only two things to the keep pile, and she was at the bottom of the box. Andi was about to break it down when she noticed a wrinkled slip of paper stuck to the cardboard. "Hmm, what's this?" she wondered aloud, holding it up to the light. It read:

"My best friend's name is Andi,

And I think she's sweet as candy.

She's got dark brown hair and eyes to match.

In softball she's always down to catch.

She works hard and plays hard too.

She'll cheer you up if you feel blue.

No matter what, she'll always be there,

And she'll show you that she cares.

She loves her cats, her dogs, and me.

The best of friends we'll always be!"

It was signed,

"Love, your best friend forever, Erin Calloway."

"I remember this," she whispered. It had been an assignment in fifth grade. They had to pick a person and write a rhyming poem about them. She had picked her best friend Erin, and Erin had picked her. Andi had been so sure that Erin would pick someone else; her self-confidence was as low then as it was now. But Erin had picked her, and she’d been so excited about it.

Erin Calloway hadn't crossed Andi’s mind in ages. She moved away after fifth grade, and writing letters just wasn't the same as seeing each other every day. They fell out of touch pretty quickly.

She smoothed the paper in her lap and re-read the poem. "Ha, softball, " she muttered. "That didn't last long."

However, it was interesting to read that some of the things Andi held as important now, were important to her back then, too.

"She'll cheer you up if you feel blue.

No matter what, she'll always be there,

And she'll show you that she cares."

She wondered what she had written about Erin, and whether that still held true for her as well.

Andi was about to move to a new city and start her first "real" job after college. She vacillated between confidence and terror. How was she supposed to teach children when she was definitely not yet a competent adult? How was anyone trusting her with this?

But the answer was right there in the poem.

Cheer them up when they feel blue.

Be there, and show them that you care.

If she just continued doing those things, she would probably be okay.

Carefully, she added Erin's poem to the keep pile.

She could hang it up in her classroom, right next to her favorite quote about teaching: 

"What a teacher is, is more important than what he teaches." - Karl Menninger

Playlist Prompt #29: "Music Box"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt is a song by one of my favorite artists, Malinda, called "Music Box."

There's one line that's always stood out to me in this song:

"Whose face is in the mirror today? Is it me, or am I in the way?"

I get in my own way a lot. I look at myself in the mirror and think only about what I perceive to be wrong. That's not healthy, or helpful, or positive. It's an odd behavior if you think about it, because if I was looking at anyone else's face, I would be only focusing on what was right and beautiful and lovely. I try to be very affirming of my friends and family. I build them up as much as I can. So why do I use words with myself that I would never use with anyone else?

That begs the question, how can I get out of my own way?

There's no easy answer to that question, but I do see one starting point: using positive words.

Playlist Prompt #24: "Too Honest Lullaby"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of yours truly, is the song "Too Honest Lullaby" by Whitney Avalon.

When I moved to Oklahoma, I lived by myself in a house for the first time. I remember a time a few months in when I said to myself, "It's been awfully cold in here recently." It wasn't until a few days later that I realized I lived in this house by myself, and therefore, I controlled the thermostat. I could turn the heat up if I wanted to!

The reason I like Whitney's "Too Honest Lullaby" so much is that it makes me feel like I'm not alone in not quite feeling like an adult, even though I'm nearing thirty. Here are a few of my favorite lines:

"You'll never buy the right number of bananas / You'll run out or some will go brown / But that's okay"

"You'll remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs / And forget the name of the guy you just met / But that's okay"

"You'll cut one toenail weird which will get so ingrown / It becomes a major life regret / But that's okay"

"You'll have a junk drawer you always mean to clean out / But you'll never bother"

I listen to the song with these silly but relatable lyrics, and I think to myself, "See, I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm not the only one who does these things. I'm not alone!"

And then Whitney hits me with these lines:

"And once in awhile you'll hit a wall / There will be a few times when things aren't okay at all / You'll curl up in bed, cry until your eyes are red / Wonder if you should just give up instead"

And I think to myself, huh. So I'm not the only one who feels that way, either.

She continues:

"But thanks to loved ones and their dedication / And sometimes astutely-prescribed medication / You'll find your way, back to okay"

 I am not the only one who needs my friends and family to function. I am not the only one who sometimes needs medication to function. And I am not the only one who needs to find my way back to okay.

I love this song because it's so real. It reminds me that the feelings I feel and the things I do are normal. I'm not always okay. And that's okay.

Playlist Prompt #23: "Fix You"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Melissa, is the song "Fix You" by Coldplay.

I am very tired tonight. I couldn't sleep last night, I was out of the house from 8 AM-8:30 PM today, my head hurts, and all I want is for someone to say, "I will try to fix you." 

I don't need them to actually be able to fix me. I know that's not how life works. But it is immensely helpful to be seen - for someone to acknowledge that I'm hurting and to make it a priority to help. My friends are great at that. 

My head is banging and I need to go to bed. So I'll leave you with that thought: I don't need you to fix me but I need you to try sometimes.

Playlist Prompt #22: "Little Talks"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men.

This song is a conversation between a husband and wife. The catch is, the husband has passed away, and the wife is kind of having this conversation inside her head.

Do you ever have conversations with yourself? I do, all the time. The "me" in my head is usually not as nice and sweet as the husband is in the song. The "me" inside my mind is pretty mean, actually. It tells me all the things I'm doing wrong. It tells me all the reasons my friends don't really like me. It tells me I can't. It tells me I won't. It tells me nothing really matters.

Sometimes I need someone to shout "Hey!" at me to get me out of my head. Whether that's literally making a counterpoint to what my brain is telling me, or giving me a hug, or bringing me lasagna or custard or muffins, or sitting in my living room inspiring me to be productive - whatever it might be, it helps, because it's really hard to contradict what I'm hearing inside my head all alone. I need outside sources to counteract what I tell myself.

So whenever I ask you something that seems obvious to you, or beg you for help with something that's not hard, just remember - you're helping me fight my sinful, broken self. It may seem simple to you, but it's not to me. You're being Jesus with skin on, and I appreciate it more than words can say!

Playlist Prompt #16: "What a Wonderful World"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Rachel, is Phil Wickham's cover of "What a Wonderful World."

I always start my blog with "Hello, friends," but today I'm going to add an extra address, because it seems right. So...

Dear Rachel,

This is a good song. Really, it is! But did your Enneagram 7 self have to pick it for me? Because today, friend, the world doesn't seem all that wonderful to me. I know you're an Enthusiast, and you love to look on the bright side, but I'm a Helper, and today I feel like I helped no one. Where's the bright side in that?

When I look at the lyrics to "What a Wonderful World," I notice one thing: the singer isn't doing anything to make the world wonderful. The world is wonderful just as it is. All the singer is doing is taking the time to notice and enjoy it. He is obviously a 7, Rachel! How is this fair? You couldn't pick a song from a 2's perspective for me? What kind of advice is "stop and smell the roses" for a 2?

Okay, okay. As I take a minute to consider, I can see where this might be useful. I am much more likely to "stop and worry about the roses" than I am to admire them. And even in 2020, there are things to admire.

• Health care workers
• Teachers
• The resilience of children
• Fall leaves
• Good books
• Meatball skewers
• My neighbor's Corgi

There, Rachel, are you happy now? I found the bright side. And despite myself, I listed 7 things that I have no control over, that are wonderful all on their own, whether I'm at 100% on any given day or not. These things exist by the grace of God. We ought to take the time to notice and enjoy them more often.

Thanks for the reminder. Maybe you picking this song was okay after all.

Love,

Mary :)

Playlist Prompt #15: "My Lighthouse"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of myself, is the song "My Lighthouse" by Rend Collective.

I write about my anxiety a log in this blog. Here are some of the things this song talks about that make me anxious:

• Failure
• Silence
• Questions/doubts
• The future

Often, I rely on my friends to lead me through those anxieties. I'll call them when I feel like a failure, when I'm nervous in the silence, when I'm questioning who I am and doubting myself, when I'm looking ahead at the future and not liking what I see.

The fact is that my friends will not always be able to reassure me. Sometimes, my friends - as exceedingly wonderful as they are - will even be the cause of those anxieties. They're just human, after all. They aren't perfect. They won't always know what to say or do.

This song is a reminder of the one person I can always rely upon. God's great love will bring me through. He is my peace. He promises to always be with me. He's never at a loss, never wondering what I need the most, because he knows. He created me, after all.

Lighthouses are navigational tools. They show sailors the way to go. God's Word does that for us. When we're stuck in our failures, when we're scared in the silence, when we have questions or doubts, when we're uncertain of the future, God's Word shows us the way to go.

About our failures:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2nd Corinthians 12:9)

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

About silence:

"And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him." (1st Kings 11-13) 

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: ...a time to keep silence, and a time to speak..." (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7)

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation." (Psalm 62:1)

About questions or doubts:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

"The father of the child cried out and said, 'I believe; help my unbelief!'" (Mark 9:24) 

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

About the future:

"Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off."  (Proverbs 23:18)

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth." (Job 19:25) 

What verses do you go to in times of failure, silence, questions, doubts, or worries about the future? Share them in the Facebook comments! 

Playlist Prompt #11: "Me, Who Am I?"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of me, is the song "Me, Who Am I?" from the Broadway musical "Cinderella."

I ask myself that question a lot. Who am I? The answer is certainly a little different than it was when I started this blog, six years and two hundred posts ago. Back then, I was a recent college grad on my first big adventure. Florida wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was following my ministry dreams where they led me. I knew what I was meant to do. I was shaky sometimes - my anxiety was alive and well - but I was usually able to overcome it.

I feel like six-years-ago me was the bright-eyed bushy-tailed rookie. In contrast, right-now me is the seasoned, disillusioned veteran. I'm where I want to be, but I've seen some things. I don't have the same sunny outlook I once did. My anxiety's through the roof, and I can't control it.

In the song "Me, Who Am I?", Prince Topher has a vastly lower opinion of himself than his knights and subjects do. Here's how he describes himself:

"Me, who am I? A far from perfect guy / a bum who wants to do what's right but often does what's wrong / a kid who's voice is way off key but loves to sing a song / a guy who dreams like a lion but wakes up like a lamb"

Meanwhile, his knights and subjects describe him with these glowing reviews:

"His Royal Highness, Christopher Rupert, slayer of dragons, pitiless to ogres, destroyer of griffins and giants, no friend to gargoyles, nice to the needy, sportsman and poet"

So who is right - Prince Topher, or his knights and subjects?

I have similar questions sometimes. How I describe myself is very different from how other people describe me. My friends call me caring, funny, inspiring. My coworkers call me hardworking, dedicated, a self-starter. Those aren't the words I use to describe myself. Does that mean they're wrong? Who am I, really? Why does it feel like I'm not the same person I was six years ago?

Here's what I know about anxiety: it lies. I can't trust it, and therefore, I can't usually trust my own thoughts about myself. That doesn't mean they're all wrong. It just means that my thoughts - the ones that stem from my anxiety - aren't painting an accurate, full picture of myself.

I can trust my friends. If I couldn't, they wouldn't be my friends, now would they?

I can trust my family. I can trust my coworkers. 

For the most part, when the people in my life tell me something about myself, I can trust that what they say is true.

I can also trust that God's Word is true. Here's just a snippet of what the Bible tells me about who I am:

I was created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

God knew me and chose me before I was even born. (Jeremiah 1:5)

I am one with Christ in my baptism. (Galatians 3:27-29)

I am forgiven of all of my sins. I do not need to be afraid. (Isaiah 43:1)

I was created and saved for specific good works. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

I will have eternal life. (John 3:16)

When I can't trust my own thoughts, I can go to the people I love and trust theirs instead. God, my family, my friends - they will tell me who I am. That hasn't changed in the last six years. 

So who am I?

Here's me, trusting you all out there to tell me, because I need it tonight.

Playlist Prompt #10: "Kiss The Girl"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Kelsey, is the song "Kiss The Girl" from "The Little Mermaid."

Princess Ariel is one of two redheaded princesses that I've gotten to write about in the past week. And just like Merida's song, "Kiss The Girl" requires an understanding of the context of the movie for us to fully appreciate it.

In the scene when this song is played, Ariel is under a spell from the evil sea witch Ursula. Here it is in its entirety:

"Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? Three days. Now listen, this is important. Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get dear ol' princey to fall in love with you. That is, he's got to kiss you. Not just any kiss, the kiss of true love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain human, permanently, but if he doesn't, you turn back into a mermaid, and you belong to me!"

Ariel made it to land and met her prince, but she's in dire straits. She needs him to fall in love with her and kiss her. If that doesn't happen, she'll lose her freedom, in more ways than one. Admittedly - she did this to herself. She made this choice. So you could look at her and say, well, too bad, hope you figure it out! Your decision, your responsibility!

The good news is that Ariel is not alone in this situation. She has friends! Sebastian the crab, Flounder the fish, and Scuttle the seagull all band together with her. They do everything they can to get Prince Eric to fall in love with Ariel and give her true love's kiss. This whole song is orchestrated (ha) by Sebastian as he desperately tries to help his friend.

The song may say it's about a kiss, but to me, this song is about what we do for our friends, even when they've made questionable decisions. And isn't that a beautiful thing?

(Also, icky. Kissing.)

October Writing Prompt #11: Be Not Afraid

Hello, friends. Tanner's prompt for today is Be Not Afraid.

In the Tortall books, written by my favorite author, Tamora Pierce, all would-be knights have to enter a place called the Chamber of the Ordeal before they can be knighted. There is only one rule that knights have to follow while in the Chamber: they can't make a sound. Easy, right?

The Chamber forces these would-be knights to experience everything they fear the most. From spiders to drowning to darkness to failure to uselessness to helplessness to death, the Chamber spares no effort to prove that you are unworthy to be a knight of the realm. It is ruthlessly specific, magically knowing exactly how to break each individual. Only those who can withstand it without making a sound are released from the Chamber to become knights.

In the Divergent series by Veronica Roth, each person who wants to become a member of the Dauntless faction must face their fears in something called the fear landscape. They are injected with a serum that brings their fears to the forefront of their minds, and then put into a simulation in which they have to face those fears. The fewer fears one has, the more admirable a person is considered. One of the main characters, Tobias, is nicknamed "Four" because he only has four fears; most people have between ten and fifteen.

These are not the only literary examples of facing your fears, but they show an important point that is often found in our society: you have to face your fears on your own in order to be accepted. To some extent, yes, it is important and valuable to face your fears. But the Chamber of the Ordeal and the Dauntless fear landscape fail to account for the fact that you rarely have to face your fears all alone. 

We are braver together, stronger together, more confident and daring and steadfast together. It's much easier to "be not afraid" when we remember that no man is an island. Imagine facing the Chamber of the Ordeal with your best friend or the fear landscape with your spouse. How much less daunting would it be?

This is Tanner's last prompt for the time being, but "be not afraid" - I have a special plan for November! Stay tuned!

October Writing Prompt #8: The Future

Hello, friends. Tanner's prompt for today is The Future.

Tomorrow, I will go to school on the morning. My daughter will (hopefully) spend her day doing her laundry. I'll leave school in the afternoon, go do a few things at my second job, and then head home. We're getting Tammy's senior pictures taken tomorrow, provided the weather cooperates.

I usually think of "the future" as a big, scary thing. But it's okay to not know what "the future" holds. If I can look ahead and presume that tomorrow, I'm going to be okay, that can be enough.

Sometimes I'm not sure of that, and that's okay too. When tomorrow is just as overwhelming of a thought as "the future" in general, I have people I can rely on to help me handle reality. I'm not alone.

These may seem like simple sentiments. Often, simple sentiments are what I need. And that's okay, too.

That's all I've got for tonight. Stay tuned for October 25th: Silence. 

October Writing Prompt #6: Slow Down

Hello, friends. Tanner's prompt for to(yester)day is Slow Down.

My fourth grade student and I have the same conversation a lot. It goes like this:

"Are we in a rush?"

"No, dear, we're in no hurry at all."

"I thought you wanted me to go fast."

"No, I want you to take your time and do your work correctly."

Sometimes I wish someone would give me the same reminder. When I set out to write this blog post, I didn't want to write about slowing down. The idea of slowing down makes me feel bad. I know how my student feels! She looks around and sees her classmates doing things that she isn't doing or can't do, and she doesn't entirely understand why, and all she wants to do is speed up and catch up and be like everyone else. 

But that's not a reasonable expectation. It's more important for her to focus on herself and what she can do than on everyone else and what they can do.

In the same way, though I may feel that my progress in life is slow, though I may look around and see my friends and family doing things that I'm not doing or can't do, it wouldn't be helpful for me to try to speed up and catch up and be like everyone else. That's not a reasonable expectation. It's more important for me to take a breath and focus on myself and what I can do.

I'm not in a rush.

There's no hurry at all.

I can take my time.

It's okay to go slow.

Stay tuned for October 19th: Begin.

October Writing Prompt #4: Passion

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Passion.

The first definition of "passion" that comes up on Google is "strong and barely controllable emotion." Merriam-Webster defines it as "intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction." The Cambridge English Dictionary simply calls it "a very powerful feeling."

Some synonyms include: fervor, ardor, zeal, commitment, fanaticism, mania, obsession.

You'll notice some of those words have positive connotations (fervor, ardor, zeal, commitment) and some have negative connotations (fanaticism, mania, obsession). 

I found two straightforward antonyms: indifference and apathy.

Passion, therefore, isn't good or bad on its own. Passion is just a feeling - an overwhelming feeling that controls and drives us. The only thing passion can't make us do is nothing.

I can see this in my life. For example, I am passionate about the fourth grade student I'm working with this year. My passion for helping her makes me an enthusiastic hard worker who is always looking out for her needs - but sometimes, it also leads me to overstep my bounds and make incorrect assumptions. My passion for this sweet kid can exhibit itself in both positive and negative ways. 

I am also passionate about my friendships. My passion for being a good friend makes me loyal, empathetic, and protective. It also leads me to anxiety and fits of jealousy and clinginess. Again, my passion for my friends exhibits itself in both positive and negative ways.

One of the Fruits of the Spirit is self-control. When you put it in context, it seems like a bit of an outlier.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." (Galatians 5:22-23)

I think it's last for a reason. It's to remind us that all of the other fruits can be co-opted by the devil. "Yes, you should love," he whispers, "and if they don't love you back, use your loving actions against them." He chides us, "If they reject your kindness, there's no need to show kindness again. You've done your part."

God gives us self-control so that when we lose sight of His intentions for His other gifts, we can find our way back. We don't have to let our passions control us. We can control them and use them in God-fearing ways. 

When we don't, well, we can remember the Passion of Christ, whose self-control led him to ignore the devil's temptations to let us be condemned. Because of Christ's Passion, we are saved, even when our passions lead us to sin. Because of Christ's Passion, we are forgiven and free to follow our passions down the path He has prepared for us.

Stay tuned for October 13th: Just Happy to Be Here.

October Writing Prompt #1: Fall

Hello, friends! Great news: Tanner Olsen's writing prompts are back! Today's prompt is Fall.

Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the weather and the colors and the clothes. My birthday is in the fall. During high school, cross country and Homecoming were in the fall. I always loved dressing up for Halloween. District Youth Gatherings were in the fall. I have so many delightful fall memories. Just to name a few...

Because our vicar decided to take us swimming in the middle of the night during the junior high Gathering, the Gathering group as a whole got banned from the pool. 

I dressed up as Super Goldfish during Homecoming week once. 

Speaking of dressing up, I was Laura Ingalls Wilder for Halloween once, but everyone thought I was Little Bo Peep.

I loved being/having secret buddies during cross country season. We got each other small silly gifts for every meet. My personal favorite gift was a frisbee ball. It entertained the whole team for half an hour one day.

One of my all-time best birthdays was this year, when my friends provided me with breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert, and then proceeded to crush me in Uno Attack.

I didn't cut my hair for years, and then chopped it off the day of the Homecoming dance one year. Between that and wearing a dress, hardly anyone recognized me!

So many of my high school friends were in band that I was a loyal fan at marching band competitions, and went to football games solely for the halftime show.

Speaking of football, fall was a busy, busy time when I was at University Lutheran. Tailgate days were crazy fun!

It's hard for me to think about Oklahoma, but I had some good fall memories there, too. The Board of Ed came up with a new tradition a few years ago that I hope they're still continuing: dress up Sundays during the month of October. Purple for LWML Sunday was an easy one; we'd do red for Reformation Day; and in between we'd do everything from Sunday best to cowboy gear.

Fall is fun. Caramel apples and colorful leaves and sweater weather... I'm glad to be on God's Earth this time of year!

Stay tuned for October 4th: Prayer.

Birthday Eve Musings

Hello, friends.

In January 2019, I had the opportunity to fly from Oklahoma to Wisconsin to help my friend Lindsey try on wedding dresses. Here's a snippet of what I wrote in my journal on my way home:

"I just don't want to go back. I'm driving back because I have to, because Tammy's there in Enid and because I have responsibilities that I have to do but good Lord, if I could just stay in Milwaukee, my life would be so much better than it is now. ... I want to move to Milwaukee. I do. I desperately want that. I said it while I was there in July and I'll say it again: I am more comfortable sleeping in Bryan and Lindsey's guest room than I have ever been in Oklahoma."

It took nine more months, but that dream came true.

It was a birthday present, in fact. On my birthday last year, I arrived in Milwaukee and got an apartment (after paying a lot of money). I saw my best friends, and I could watch them leave that night without wondering how many months it would be until I saw them again. I received the best gift of all: a fresh start in the place that feels most like home to me.

Needless to say, the last year hasn't gone exactly according to plan. But when has my life ever gone according to plan? 

All day, I've fielded texts from my friends with their plans for me for my birthday tomorrow. I'm genuinely excited and I feel so loved. Those are two emotions I rarely felt in Oklahoma, and despite everything, I know I'm better off here, and I'm going to be okay.

Blooper Reels

Hello, friends!

In recent months, I have been lucky enough to film Melissa playing the piano or trombone. (Beautifully, might I add.) It's fun to help her share her talents and joy in music with the Facebook world. It's also fun because Melissa is almost never satisfied with her first try, leading to a variety of funny moments before the final video goes live. Yesterday I compiled those funny moments into a blooper reel, and even though I'm the one who made the video and I also witnessed all of these moments firsthand, I still can't stop giggling whenever I watch it. Which has been often.

I call Melissa the Queen of Self-Confidence, and this is an example as to why. I don't know that I'd feel comfortable having some of my mistakes broadcast to the world, no matter how silly they are. The other day, I burned exactly one pancake, and it threw me off for the rest of the night. If someone had randomly been filming me, I would not have been cool with putting that out there for other people to see. It's ridiculous sometimes how much tiny things will affect my self-esteem!

But "bloopers" are a part of life. We all make mistakes, silly and otherwise, and it's healthy to acknowledge them, laugh at them, be willing to share them. It's when we isolate ourselves and fear judgment above all else that we forget to really live. Whether it's a wrong note on the piano or a pancake that gets a little too brown... those are things that happen to us, but they are not who we are, unless we let them be.