A List, Part 1/12

Hello, friends!

I have low self-esteem. I wonder all the time whether I am making a difference. So, to combat that, I challenged myself this year to write down, daily, the difference I've made, no matter how big or small it is, and give thanks. 

My definition of "making a difference" is pretty broad. It can mean anything from helping someone, to working with my students, to doing something on the weekend other than sitting on my butt. The purpose of this activity is to give me something tangible to look back on when I'm feeling down, so I can say, "Yes, I am worthwhile, even when I don't feel that way." If there's a secondary purpose, it's to remind me that small things matter just as much as big things.

Here are a few from the month of January.

• January 1 - made Lindsey laugh.
• January 2 - did laundry and dishes.
• January 3 - helped Tammy clean her room.
• January 4 - advocated for my 4th-grade student.
• January 5 - got to know the kids at my new after-school job.
• January 6 - filled out paperwork.
• January 7 - helped my 4th-grade teacher.
• January 8 - helped Tammy with job coach interview.
• January 9 - recorded Melissa's trombone playing.
• January 10 - helped Kelsey make cheesecake for Jeff's birthday.
• January 11 - looked up some materials to use with my 4th-grade student.
• January 12 - taught my 4th-grade student the word "uterus."
• January 13 - wrote in my blog.
• January 14 - asked a friend how her grandma was doing.
• January 15 - successfully completed a week of sex ed.
• January 16 - washed Melissa's dishes.
• January 17 - made chex mix and puppy chow with Lindsey.
• January 18 - made potato soup and chicken casserole.
• January 19 - worked with my 4th-grade student.
• January 20 - watched the inauguration with Tammy.
• January 21 - texted Lindsey an endless stream of Bernie gifs.
• January 22 - discovered a new feel-good TV show.
• January 23 - planned all of my outfits for National Lutheran Schools Week.
• January 24 - brought Bryan Culver's for lunch.
• January 25 - laughed a lot with a kindergartener at my after-school job.
• January 26 - wrote up my observations of my 4th-grade student for her evaluation.
• January 27 - tried to teach my 4th-grade student how to hula hoop.
• January 28 - emailed my after-school-care supervisor about some students.
• January 29 - made delicious sautéed cinnamon apples with peanut butter and granola.
• January 30 - made chocolate bundt cake (my grandma's recipe!).
• January 31 - went tubing with Kelsey, Jeff, and Melissa.

I give thanks to God for all of the good things he's put in my path this month!

Fiction Prompts #3: Through It All

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Through It All.

"Can we just fast-forward a few years?" Andi asked. "Maybe by then, this will have all worked out."

Daisy tossed a pillow at her. Andi didn't get her hands up in time to catch it; it hit her square in the face. "Hey!" she protested. "I'm having a crisis here, why are you throwing things at me?"

"Nothing else has worked," her friend told her frankly. "I thought maybe that would snap you out of it."

"'Snap me out of it'?" Andi sat up and glared at her friend. "I don't need to be 'snapped out of it.' I need a job!"

"I know, honey." Daisy shrugged. "And I know how hard this is. But you need to move forward somehow, and sitting here wanting to make it all go away is not actually going to make it all go away."

"Wouldn't that be great, though?" Andi managed to duck the pillow this time. "Okay, okay, fine. Tell me, O wise woman. What will make this all go away?"

"Nothing." Daisy snagged one of the pillows back and put it behind her head. "Other than time, maybe, but we can't sit around and wait for it. So you don't have a call yet? Find something else - not even necessarily a job, just something - that you find fulfilling in the meantime. You can't just sit here in my apartment, as much fun as that is. And I know you. You need something to do if you want to feel better."

Andi didn't say anything for a moment as she considered this. Finally she said, "It's almost illegal for you to know me this well."

"Through thick and thin, Andi," Daisy replied. "Now let's brainstorm."

Fiction Prompts #2: New

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is "New."

Andi knew exactly how her life was going to play out.

Step 1: Go to college. (Check.)

Step 2: Acquire her teaching degree. (Check.)

Step 3: Receive a call to teach at a Lutheran school. (Check.)

Step 4: Teach at that school for at least 10 years. 

Step 5: While at that school, meet that special someone and get married.

Steps 1, 2, and 3 were complete, but for several months now, she'd had this nagging feeling in the back of her mind about Steps 4 and 5.

The school board meeting had just confirmed it.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket. She dug it out and tried to smile at the name on the screen. "Hey, Daisy."

"Hey, girl. How was your meeting? You said you'd call afterwards."

Andi sighed. "I didn't - I couldn't - I'm still sitting in my car outside school. I haven't made it home yet."

"Why not? What happened?"

Daisy was her confidant, her best friend from college, the one person Andi knew would never let her down, but it was still so hard to say it. "They let me go."

"They did what?" Daisy demanded. "I will fly down there right now-"

"Daisy, it's okay," Andi told her, wiping her eyes. "It's not their fault."

"The hell it isn't!"

"The school has to downsize." Andi sniffed. Did she have tissues in the car somewhere? She rooted around in the glove compartment as she continued, "I was the teacher with the least seniority, and they had to combine third and fourth grade. Dan was the logical choice to teach it. I don't blame them."

"I do! From what you've told me, Dan is a-"

"He's a perfectly fine teacher," she protested weakly. "Even if he's kind of a jerk."

"Oh, Andi, I'm so sorry." 

"Thanks."

There was silence for a moment. Andi found some Taco Bell napkins and used them to blow her nose.

"So what now?" Daisy asked.

"I don't know." Andi shook her head. "My principal said she would work with the district to help me find a new call. But that could take months."

"You're still on contract through the end of the year, right?"

"Right."

"So you've got a month. Great! They couldn't make this decision in January, when you'd have had plenty of time to look for something..."

"I know."

Andi put her car into reverse, then slammed it back into park. "This was my dream, damn it all," she said, trying not to sob. "What am I supposed to do now? What if this wasn't God's plan for me after all?"

"Hey. Hey, take a breath, okay? We're going to figure this out." 

"I know." Andi laid her forehead on the steering wheel. "I just wish we didn't have to."

"I know, honey, I know." Daisy paused, then asked, "What's that ice cream place you took me to last time?"

"Um, it's called Harry's."

"Okay. Go there, get a pint of the mint chip, and call me when you get home. Okay?"

"That's a lot of effort."

"I know. But it's a step. You'll get home, you'll have ice cream, you'll have a plan for what to do next. And then we can come up with the next step. Even if that step is just what you're going to wear tomorrow." Andi drew in a breath to speak, but Daisy wasn't done. "I know you've got your five-step plan for your life, but life is about coming up with new plans when things go sideways. It sucks that we have to. But your new plan is going to be even better, Andi. Count on it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now I'm going to hang up, and you're going to call me back when you have ice cream. Deal?"

Andi smiled. "Deal."

Playlist Prompt #30: "Into the Unknown"

Hello, friends! My final prompt for November, the month of extremely random songs, is courtesy of Kelsey. It's the song all of you had in your heads when Frozen 2 came out: "Into the Unknown."

During this scene in the movie, Queen Elsa is trying desperately to resist the temptation to go on a new adventure. She tells the voice she keeps hearing, "I've had my adventure, I don't need something new. I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you into the unknown."

Later, as she's warming to the idea of following the voice, she says, "Every day's a little harder as I feel my power grow. Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go into the unknown?"

I actually had "The Unknown" as a writing prompt back in June, and back then, here's what I wrote:

"I used to be okay with the unknown. [Moving to Oklahoma] backfired, and I found myself longing for the "known." I wanted my old friends, my old home, my old life. ... I don't know that I'll ever venture into that dramatic of an "unknown" again."

In June, whenever I thought about the future, I felt sad. I couldn't imagine being happy doing anything other than being a DCE. I told everyone who asked that my skills fit that career so perfectly, they couldn't possibly match up with anything else. I was like Elsa in Frozen 2 saying that I've had my adventure, and it was plenty, and I didn't need anything else, ever.

Now?

I don't want to reveal too much yet, because there are a lot of, well, unknowns. But for the first time since I left Oklahoma, I feel that longing again. The longing for something new, something unfamiliar, something that feels like me. Something that I can see myself doing without feeling sad for what I've lost. It's a liberating feeling. 

More details to come, I hope!

In the meantime... I won't be writing every day in December, because that's a lot. But if anyone has any bright Christmas-related writing prompt ideas, please share! Thanks for following along with me this month! And a special thanks to Lindsey, Melissa, Rachel, Kelsey, and Zach for providing me with songs to write about - it was a lot of fun! 

Playlist Prompt #23: "Fix You"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Melissa, is the song "Fix You" by Coldplay.

I am very tired tonight. I couldn't sleep last night, I was out of the house from 8 AM-8:30 PM today, my head hurts, and all I want is for someone to say, "I will try to fix you." 

I don't need them to actually be able to fix me. I know that's not how life works. But it is immensely helpful to be seen - for someone to acknowledge that I'm hurting and to make it a priority to help. My friends are great at that. 

My head is banging and I need to go to bed. So I'll leave you with that thought: I don't need you to fix me but I need you to try sometimes.

Playlist Prompt #20: "Defender"

Hello, friends. Today's prompt, courtesy of Rachel, is the song "Defender" by Francesca Battistelli.

This part of the song really sticks out to me tonight:

"All I did was praise / all I did was worship / all I did was bow down / oh, all I did was stay still"

I love to be in control. I want to be the reason everything works. But often, I am not in control, and everything that works is not up to me. 

"All I did was stay still" - I am not good at staying still! I want to help! 

But sometimes, that's all God asks of us.

It's okay to be still.

Playlist Prompt #19: "Even If It Breaks Your Heart"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Zach, is the song "Even If It Breaks Your Heart" by the Eli Young Band.

Not-so-fun fact: after moving to Wisconsin last September, I wrote a memoir of sorts about my time in Oklahoma. From the title, "Church Work Sucks," can you guess what the overall mood of my writing was?

Let me tell you - I thought that place broke my heart for good. I didn't want to dream anymore. I didn't even want to think about church work, at all, ever. I had a mild anxiety attack a few months after moving because someone was excited to learn that I had once been a DCE and wanted to talk about it. I did not want to talk about it, but it felt like every little thing reminded me of it, and it was truly depressing. I was sure there was something wrong with me, and that I would never feel free enough to follow my dream again.

The song says it, though - some dreams never go away entirely, no matter what kind of experiences you've had with them.

"Some dreams stay with you forever / drag you around but bring you back to where you were / Some dreams keep on getting better / Gotta keep believing if you want to know for sure."

I thought I'd lost the ability to dream, but as it turns out, my dreams were just evolving a bit. As a DCE, I'd wanted to impact the lives of young people and help them find their place in God's story. I am still doing that. I am still following that dream.

I am not "just a teacher's aide," as I tend to self-deprecatedly describe myself. I am a teacher's aide, a dedicated aide for a fourth grader with special needs, someone who matters in the grand scheme of things, who is making a difference each and every day. That's all I've ever dreamed about. My heart isn't broken after all - sometimes I feel like the Grinch on Christmas, with my heart growing three sizes every day. I never thought I'd feel that way again. I was wrong, and I am so glad.

Playlist Prompt #17: "Learn to Fly"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "Learn to Fly" by the Foo Fighters.

The chorus seems to give the best summary of the song:

"Now I'm looking to the sky to save me / looking for a sign of life / Looking for something to help me burn out bright / I'm looking for a complication / Looking 'cause I'm tired of lying / Make my way back home when I learn to fly high"

According to Dave Grohl, the song is about "the search for some sort of inspiration, the search for signs of life that will make you feel alive." 

I know this search well! I am always looking for something that will make me feel like I'm doing more than just surviving. My search for inspiration has led me to people (my friends, my daughter, my niece and nephew, etc.). It has led me to work (specifically the Lutheran Campus Initiative, my job at Redeemer, and now my job at Concordia). It has led me to writing. Growing up, my search led me to sports and school and youth group. Recently, I've turned to hiking and cooking and Marvel movies.

You may have noticed that my search has led me to a lot of places. That's because I'll never find lasting inspiration here on Earth. Everything is fleeting.

"I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind." (Ecclesiastes 1:14)

 Knowing that nothing will satisfy me is actually helpful. It's a reminder that I'm not doing this whole "living" thing wrong. Nothing on Earth is supposed to satisfy me, because Earth is not where I belong! Someday, I'll get to Heaven, to the place that Jesus has prepared for me, and I won't have to search for inspiration anymore. It will be literally at my fingertips all the time. Isn't that a wonderful thought? 

Playlist Prompt #13: "Dream Big"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Zach, is the song "Dream Big" by Ryan Shupe and the RubberBand.

This song is a mixed bag of advice, in my opinion. For example, here are a few snippets that don't sit quite right with me:

"When you smile, be sure to smile wide and don't let them know that they have won."

"When you walk, walk with pride; don't show the hurt inside."

Those two lines seem to support the idea of hiding your troubles and pretending everything is fine. I know from experience - not the best plan.

However, the song does have some good advice, too:

"When you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud 'cause it will carry all your cares away."

"When you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself and it will help you feel okay."

"When you pray, pray for strength to help you carry on."

And, of course, the titular piece of advice:

"When you dream, dream big - as big as the ocean blue. 'Cause when you dream, it might come true."

Laughter really does carry all your cares away, even if only for a moment. Seeing the beauty around you, and in yourself, can help you have a positive outlook even in dark times. Praying for strength, of course, is a good thing no matter what you're going through. As for dreaming big?

Sometimes I wonder if dreaming big is worth it. I had big dreams growing up, I had big dreams during college and in my first few years of ministry, and none of those dreams came true. Looking back on those big, failed dreams doesn't necessarily make me feel great. Part of me wants to encourage people to dream small, attainable dreams. But what kind of a world would we live in if people only dreamed small?

So dream big, friends. And feel free to adjust your dreams as you go without feeling like a failure. Dreams are just that, after all - dreams. They don't have to come true to be valuable.

Playlist Prompt #7: "God's Country"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Zach, is the song "God's Country" by Blake Shelton.

There are a lot of interesting lyrics in this song. Blake sings about sunrises, dogs, the devil going down to Georgia, pinewood boxes, muddy riversides, moonshine... But the line that stuck out to me is this:

"Got a deed to the land, but it ain't my ground / This is God's country"

I'm reminded of Psalm 24, which starts out this way:

"The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein, for he has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers."

Everything we have is God's. From the very beginning, he has given us the responsibility to take care of "God's country." That will look a little different for all of us, but the essence is the same: to be good stewards of the earth. 

What are some ways we can do that? Share some ideas in the Facebook comments!

Playlist Prompt #4: "Shake It Off"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Kelsey, is the song "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift.

I assume that, unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard this song before. If you're anything like me, however, you might have never really listened to the lyrics. I confess that even after listening to the song several times over the last four days and watching the music video for the first time this morning, I didn't really get it.

Then I watched some behind-the-scenes videos. In them, we get Taylor's commentary on the song and video, along with many takes of her trying out a variety of styles of dance. 

In the song, Taylor talks about how to respond when people say nasty things. In essence, her advice is "shake it off," but there's more to it than that. She talks about how important it is to dance to your own beat and not spend time worrying about what other people say.

The video itself goes into this on a deeper level, showing Taylor dancing with a variety of different groups (ballerinas, modern dancers, rhythmic gymnasts, cheerleaders, etc.). The catch is that she's not good at those types of dance! She stands out. She doesn't fit in. And that's the point. It's not until the very end that she finds her group where even her silly dancing looks cool, because no one is judging her. She can dance to her own beat without needing to impress anyone or worry about what they might say.

Here are my takeaways:

-Be yourself, no matter what others say.

-Be silly and have fun.

-Set your own goals and work towards them because you want to, not because you need to prove anything.

Here's my favorite Taylor quote from one of those behind-the-scenes videos I mentioned:

"A lot of people who I think will relate to this song are people who are dealing with not ever really feeling cool with themselves because other people make them feel like they don't fit in. ... I don't think it's the most important thing in life to fit in. I think it's the most important thing in life to dance to the beat of your own drum and to look like you're having more fun than the people who look cool, like they fit in. "

October Writing Prompt #6: Slow Down

Hello, friends. Tanner's prompt for to(yester)day is Slow Down.

My fourth grade student and I have the same conversation a lot. It goes like this:

"Are we in a rush?"

"No, dear, we're in no hurry at all."

"I thought you wanted me to go fast."

"No, I want you to take your time and do your work correctly."

Sometimes I wish someone would give me the same reminder. When I set out to write this blog post, I didn't want to write about slowing down. The idea of slowing down makes me feel bad. I know how my student feels! She looks around and sees her classmates doing things that she isn't doing or can't do, and she doesn't entirely understand why, and all she wants to do is speed up and catch up and be like everyone else. 

But that's not a reasonable expectation. It's more important for her to focus on herself and what she can do than on everyone else and what they can do.

In the same way, though I may feel that my progress in life is slow, though I may look around and see my friends and family doing things that I'm not doing or can't do, it wouldn't be helpful for me to try to speed up and catch up and be like everyone else. That's not a reasonable expectation. It's more important for me to take a breath and focus on myself and what I can do.

I'm not in a rush.

There's no hurry at all.

I can take my time.

It's okay to go slow.

Stay tuned for October 19th: Begin.

October Writing Prompt #4: Passion

Hello, friends! Tanner's prompt for today is Passion.

The first definition of "passion" that comes up on Google is "strong and barely controllable emotion." Merriam-Webster defines it as "intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction." The Cambridge English Dictionary simply calls it "a very powerful feeling."

Some synonyms include: fervor, ardor, zeal, commitment, fanaticism, mania, obsession.

You'll notice some of those words have positive connotations (fervor, ardor, zeal, commitment) and some have negative connotations (fanaticism, mania, obsession). 

I found two straightforward antonyms: indifference and apathy.

Passion, therefore, isn't good or bad on its own. Passion is just a feeling - an overwhelming feeling that controls and drives us. The only thing passion can't make us do is nothing.

I can see this in my life. For example, I am passionate about the fourth grade student I'm working with this year. My passion for helping her makes me an enthusiastic hard worker who is always looking out for her needs - but sometimes, it also leads me to overstep my bounds and make incorrect assumptions. My passion for this sweet kid can exhibit itself in both positive and negative ways. 

I am also passionate about my friendships. My passion for being a good friend makes me loyal, empathetic, and protective. It also leads me to anxiety and fits of jealousy and clinginess. Again, my passion for my friends exhibits itself in both positive and negative ways.

One of the Fruits of the Spirit is self-control. When you put it in context, it seems like a bit of an outlier.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." (Galatians 5:22-23)

I think it's last for a reason. It's to remind us that all of the other fruits can be co-opted by the devil. "Yes, you should love," he whispers, "and if they don't love you back, use your loving actions against them." He chides us, "If they reject your kindness, there's no need to show kindness again. You've done your part."

God gives us self-control so that when we lose sight of His intentions for His other gifts, we can find our way back. We don't have to let our passions control us. We can control them and use them in God-fearing ways. 

When we don't, well, we can remember the Passion of Christ, whose self-control led him to ignore the devil's temptations to let us be condemned. Because of Christ's Passion, we are saved, even when our passions lead us to sin. Because of Christ's Passion, we are forgiven and free to follow our passions down the path He has prepared for us.

Stay tuned for October 13th: Just Happy to Be Here.

Thor and the Question of Worthiness

Hello, friends!

I know, I know: I'm a little late to the party. But bear with me. I recently watched Avengers: Endgame, and holy cow, it was awesome and I need to talk about it. I knew a ton of spoilers going in (including the two major deaths) and I still found myself surprised and delighted at every turn. It was so much more fun and meaningful than I expected.

By far, the character that I related to the most was the God of Thunder himself, Thor. On the surface, I have almost nothing in common with Thor. He's a super-powerful, 1,500-year-old alien king and I am... not. But that's the wonderful things about movies. I can look at Thor in Endgame and say, "I know how you feel."

Thor blames himself for all the people murdered by the villainous Thanos. His failure to protect them affects him on a deeply personal level. He gives up hope. He goes from self-confident and strong to fearful, anxious, and shaky. He truly believes that he is no longer worthy of anything.

During the movie, Thor goes back in time and talks to his mother, who has since died. He tells her that he feels like an idiot and a failure. Here is her reply:

"An idiot? No. A failure? Absolutely. Do you know what that makes you? Just like everyone else. Everyone fails at who they're supposed to be, Thor. The measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are."

Then comes the part that has replayed in my head over and over. Thor puts out his hand and summons his hammer. He knows that it will only come to him if he is truly worthy of it, and there's no doubt that part of him doesn't know if it will come. When it appears in his hand, he is elated. "I'm still worthy!" he exclaims.

Failure feels very big and scary and insurmountable to us at times. I know I feel unworthy all the time because of what I went through in Oklahoma. I blame myself, rightly or wrongly, and it's difficult to move past it. Sometimes that feeling of unworthiness - I had a calling and I screwed it up and what's even the point of trying anymore - is overwhelming.

But there are a couple of things in that quote from Thor's mother that comfort me.

I am not alone in my failure. I am just like everyone else, going all the way back to Adam and Eve.

I am who I am and the way I am for a reason, and that reason is not to live up to everyone's expectations, including my own.

When Thor summons his hammer and it comes, it proves that he is still worthy despite everything, because his worth was never about his accomplishments or lack thereof. His worth was about who he was. In the same way, my worth is not about my accomplishments. I am not defined by what I do. I am defined by who I am - a child of God, redeemed by Christ's acts and not my own. Nothing I do or fail to do can take that worth away.

I often talk about how what I know in my head is not always how I feel in my heart. I know all of this. It isn't new to me. But I have trouble applying it to myself. When I see storylines like this on screen - look, the big strong hero isn't always big and strong, and that's okay - it helps. So thank you, Avengers: Endgame, for making me feel worthy again.

Marvel Movies and How They Relate to Real Life

Hello, friends! Thanks to my brother Zach for today's prompt. Zach and his family live in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, which was hit with a major storm on Monday. Please keep them in your prayers! If you're interested in donating to disaster relief efforts, click this link: https://www.lcms.org/givenow/disaster

Today's prompt is about Marvel movies, which I've been binging since the start of quarantine. Sometimes it may seem that superhero movies don't have a lot to do with everyday life. After all, there are no superhumans or aliens among us. However, I love a good story, and every story relates to real life in some fashion. That's why I love reading, and why I want to be a fiction writer - because you can learn so much about yourself and the world through a well-told story.

For example: here's a list of some of my favorite Marvel characters. If you're familiar with the Marvel Cinematic Universe at all, you might sense a theme.

Peggy Carter, Nick Fury, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Edwin Jarvis, Jane Foster, Tony Stark, Monica Rambeau, Daniel Sousa, Darcy Lewis, Phil Coulson, Pepper Potts, Maria Hill... 

I could go on, but here's the point: none of those characters have superpowers. They're just regular human beings. But without them, the MCU would be completely different. They are significant. They matter. Their talents and abilities and hard work and sacrifices change and sometimes even save the world.

Marvel teaches us that you don't need superpowers to make a difference. And isn't that a great thing to understand in the real world? We all have value. We are all able to help. When we focus on what we can do - no matter how small that might seem - rather than what we can't do, we can truly change the world.

5 Years Ago, and 5 Years from Now

Hello, friends! I'm back with another blog post inspired by you guys. Today I'm responding to the prompt: "a letter to myself 5 years ago and 5 years from now." Thanks, Sarah!

...

Dear Mary from 5 years ago,

Remember University Lutheran? You left it just 9 days ago, but after 5 years, it's still a place I long to return to. Hold those memories close to you. Hold those people close to you. They're precious.

I know it seems like waiting for a call is the most painful thing that can happen to you. Trust me - it's not. I'm not saying this to scare you; I just want you to savor the time you have right now to just be. Spend time with your friends. Cuddle your new nephew. Pray. Read. Study. God's got a plan, and it's okay that you don't right now. It's going to be awhile before you're able to "just be" again. So as much as you can with an unknown future hanging over you... enjoy it.

You have big dreams. That's a good thing. Dreams are healthy. But you could use a healthy dose of caution, too. When that call comes - and I promise, it will come - jump in feet first, but keep your eyes wide open. Don't assume you can do everything, or fix everything, or be everything. You can't. You're not supposed to be able to. Don't let anyone tell you differently, including yourself.

I'm not going to tell you details, but I will tell you this: things will get bad for awhile. Your friends will see you through. Nothing will happen as you expect it to, but you can trust that God knows what he's doing.

Never stop dreaming.

Never stop caring.

Remember you're never truly alone.

Love,

Mary

...

Dear Mary 5 years in the future,

I have so many questions.

Where are you?

What are you doing?

Do you have a husband? More kids? A dog? A house?

Honestly, right now, the question that would fulfill my dreams is: Are you no longer worried about making enough money to pay rent? Because that would be fantastic.

As I'm sure you remember, 2020 has been insane thus far. We're only halfway through the year! Dare I hope that the second half of the year is calmer?

Insane as it's been, though, I'm so glad I've spent it in Milwaukee. Maybe 5 years from now, you're emotionally stable enough to be okay more than 30 minutes from your friends, but I am certainly not right now. And that's okay. I need them. They need me. And Tammy needs them, and they need Tammy. There's nothing quite like the support system my little family unit has right now.

Here's what I think is important for you to know 5 years from now:

Nothing bad is ever the end of the story. Something good is always around the corner. You might be in a hallway that's miles long, but the corner's coming. Have faith in God, in yourself, and in the people who care about you.

I desperately want to know where I'll be in 5 years. I really can't even begin to guess. But wherever it is... give yourself a pat on the back. You made it. Here's to another 5 years.

Please write back,

Mary

 

 

Writing Prompt #8: Endurance

Tanner's prompt for yesterday was Endurance, so naturally I'm writing this today, because I did not endure and get it actually written yesterday.

Endurance is one of those words that I feel like I know the definition for, but if you ask me to define it, I'll say something really vague like "it's when you endure..." So, I decided to look it up. Here's the dictionary.com definition:

1. the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.
2. the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina.
3. lasting quality; duration.
4. something endured, as a hardship; trial.

It appears to me that endurance and hardship are, by necessity, connected. You can't have endurance without hardship. This makes sense to me, as I was (and may yet be again) an "endurance runner" - AKA a long distance runner. Let me tell you, I loved running, but you don't become a distance runner without hardship. You have to fight your way to distance running. You have to want it. You have to work through pain and exhaustion. You can't become a distance runner any other way.

Sometimes, the hardest part of being a runner is knowing when to stop running - when endurance is not actually what you need, but rest. I loved running so much in high school that it once took six months of constant pain from what ended up being four different injuries to convince me to take a break. After all, what are some of the usual sports mantras? "Don't give up." "Keep going." "You can do it." "Dig deep."

In reality, though, me finally taking a break was me enduring. I wouldn't have been able to endure without taking a break. And once I did, I was able to heal and become a better runner.

Sometimes, God calls us to keep running. Sometimes, he calls us to rest. Both of those qualify as endurance, as long as we don't give up.

That seems like an excellent place to end; however, I can't resist telling my favorite story about endurance from my track & field days. My teammate Sammi was just not feeling a race one day. She told me she was convinced she couldn't win; she was running for second, and she didn't seem to have high hopes. When the race started, there was a bit of a collision, and her shoe came off. Instead of giving up - which would have been so easy! - she endured, and she won. With only one shoe. It was amazing and I will be amazed by it forever and ever.

Stay tuned for May 22nd: Fear.

Writing Prompt #2: Peace

Tanner's prompt for today is Peace.

Peace is...

...your heart, which had been racing, slowing down to a steady beat.

...your muscles, which had been tense, loosening and relaxing.

...moving from an uncomfortable position, held because you felt anxious, into a more natural one.

...safety, security, and rest.

I feel at peace when I am not worried about what the future holds; rather, I am content with the present. Church is intended to make us feel this way. After all, what is a sanctuary but a place of peace?

We often close worship services with these words: "Go in peace. Serve the Lord. Thanks be to God." When we leave church, ideally, we take the peace of the sanctuary out with us and share it with the rest of the world.

I'm not sure how to end this one, so I'll just leave that for you to ponder. Stay tuned for May 10th: Mothers!

What I'm Looking For in a Man

Hello, friends.

I haven't tried any dating sites or apps lately, but when I did, I was always tripped up by the questions about what I'm looking for in a guy. I always listed things like kindness and faith and a good sense of humor, but in my head, here's what I'd like my significant other to be like:

• Gentle like Newt Scamander
• Smart like Cisco Ramon
• Fearless like Eliot Spencer
• Creative like Flynn Carsen
• Adventurous like Hiccup
• Selfless like Steve Trevor

I could go on, but I think we can glean two things from this. One, all of these people are, well, at least moderately fictional. Two, apparently I mostly like guys with long and/or casually messy hair? Take note, boys.

I want my love to be magical, you know? I want to have an epic arc that ends in an exhilarating kiss in the rain. But the fact is that those arcs are fictional, just like all of my ideal men are. None of my friends or family have met their significant others that way. I don't know anyone who regularly fights bad guys with their spouse (which possibly means your secret identities are working exceptionally well). Point is, what I'm looking for, I'm unlikely to ever find.

I want to ask, how have you married or engaged or dating people done it? How have you managed this seemingly impossible feat? But the fact is that everyone is different. There's no secret ingredient. There's no special formula. There are no perfect relationships.

So what do I do now? 

I wait.

I live my life - I don't put it on hold until I find someone.

I be my best self. 

My life is not defined by my relationship status, but that doesn't mean I can't think about it and desire a mate. I'm allowed to fantasize, as ridiculous as my fantasies might be. (My future husband will be a bow-and-arrow-wielding billionaire with amazing hair and doey eyes when he looks at me...) Ahem. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Ridiculous fantasies.

My life is not defined by my relationship status - but it is affected by it. My task right now is to live in hope, focus on the present, and remember that even when it feels like it, I am never really alone.

Solving the Problems of Humanity

Hello, friends.

If I lived in an alternate universe in which I had unlimited time and resources, I would have a very large house in which all foster children, homeless people, survivors of abuse, refugees, and stray animals would be welcome, healthy, happy, and safe.

Unfortunately, I live in the real world, and solving the problems of humanity is not that simple.

I hear about the situation at the border, where a heartless policy rips children away from their parents, and all I want to do is fix it. I want to storm that old Wal-Mart full of innocent girls and boys and reunite them with their families. But I can't. I don't have the power to make all of those poor children's problems go away.

Occasionally, my caseworker asks if I can take another child. I hate saying no, because I know the ratio of foster children to available foster homes (it's not good) and I know the amount of difference a home instead of a shelter can make (it's a lot). But I have to say no. One child is almost too much for me sometimes, and logistically, it's just not possible for me to take in another one. I say no, but mentally, I'm always calculating what it would take to get to the point of saying yes. Because if I can help, I should be. That's the way my parents raised me. You don't stand by and watch as someone else suffers. You help them. That's just what you do.

So as I look at the situation at the border, I know that I can't actually storm that Wal-Mart and help all those kids. But I know that, just like I'm able to make a difference in the life of one foster child, I can make a difference in maybe the life of one of those kids. Or two. Or three.

This article provides a lot of good information. I recommend you check it out. It's easy to look at a big problem like this and say, "That's too big for me. I can't possibly fix this." And you'd be right in saying that. You, alone, as one person, you can't fix this. But we, together, we can fix this.

"The King will say to those on his right,  'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'

Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'

And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these brothers, you did it to me.'" (Matthew 25:34-40)