The In-Between

Hello, friends, and welcome back to Iowa Girl Meets World! In this episode, Iowa Girl sits in a borrowed chair in her bedroom and contemplates whether or not to go load the dishwasher before bed. So far, the answer's a resounding "that's a lot of work," but we'll see how the episode ends, shall we?

Iowa Girl Meets World has been on an extremely intentional 7-month hiatus. Since we last saw our heroine, she has:

1) celebrated her daughter's 18th birthday and graduation

2) co-taught a summer school classroom

3) upgraded to 5th grade and a rolling chair at work

4) spent a month celebrating her own 30th birthday

We don't have time to do a full rehash of the last 7 months, but rest assured, they've contained the usual assortment of ups and downs and in-betweens. This weekend has been an in-between. Excellent TV show watching? Check. Trouble getting up until early afternoon? Check. Time spent with a friend? Check. General lack of motivation? Check.

All life is really an in-between. This week won't be perfect, but neither will it be awful. It'll be a week. There will be laughter and joy, frustration and exhaustion, and, well, everything in between. And that's okay. In the past 7 months, this Iowa Girl has grown enough in her mental health to be able to say, "I can do this" - no matter what "this" happens to be. And if failure occurs, this Iowa Girl can get up and try again. It might take a few days and some help from friends and family, but it'll be worth it.

On that note, time to load that dishwasher. This is Iowa Girl Meets World, signing out.

Playlist Prompt #29: "Music Box"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt is a song by one of my favorite artists, Malinda, called "Music Box."

There's one line that's always stood out to me in this song:

"Whose face is in the mirror today? Is it me, or am I in the way?"

I get in my own way a lot. I look at myself in the mirror and think only about what I perceive to be wrong. That's not healthy, or helpful, or positive. It's an odd behavior if you think about it, because if I was looking at anyone else's face, I would be only focusing on what was right and beautiful and lovely. I try to be very affirming of my friends and family. I build them up as much as I can. So why do I use words with myself that I would never use with anyone else?

That begs the question, how can I get out of my own way?

There's no easy answer to that question, but I do see one starting point: using positive words.

Playlist Prompt #24: "Too Honest Lullaby"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of yours truly, is the song "Too Honest Lullaby" by Whitney Avalon.

When I moved to Oklahoma, I lived by myself in a house for the first time. I remember a time a few months in when I said to myself, "It's been awfully cold in here recently." It wasn't until a few days later that I realized I lived in this house by myself, and therefore, I controlled the thermostat. I could turn the heat up if I wanted to!

The reason I like Whitney's "Too Honest Lullaby" so much is that it makes me feel like I'm not alone in not quite feeling like an adult, even though I'm nearing thirty. Here are a few of my favorite lines:

"You'll never buy the right number of bananas / You'll run out or some will go brown / But that's okay"

"You'll remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs / And forget the name of the guy you just met / But that's okay"

"You'll cut one toenail weird which will get so ingrown / It becomes a major life regret / But that's okay"

"You'll have a junk drawer you always mean to clean out / But you'll never bother"

I listen to the song with these silly but relatable lyrics, and I think to myself, "See, I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm not the only one who does these things. I'm not alone!"

And then Whitney hits me with these lines:

"And once in awhile you'll hit a wall / There will be a few times when things aren't okay at all / You'll curl up in bed, cry until your eyes are red / Wonder if you should just give up instead"

And I think to myself, huh. So I'm not the only one who feels that way, either.

She continues:

"But thanks to loved ones and their dedication / And sometimes astutely-prescribed medication / You'll find your way, back to okay"

 I am not the only one who needs my friends and family to function. I am not the only one who sometimes needs medication to function. And I am not the only one who needs to find my way back to okay.

I love this song because it's so real. It reminds me that the feelings I feel and the things I do are normal. I'm not always okay. And that's okay.

Playlist Prompt #11: "Me, Who Am I?"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of me, is the song "Me, Who Am I?" from the Broadway musical "Cinderella."

I ask myself that question a lot. Who am I? The answer is certainly a little different than it was when I started this blog, six years and two hundred posts ago. Back then, I was a recent college grad on my first big adventure. Florida wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was following my ministry dreams where they led me. I knew what I was meant to do. I was shaky sometimes - my anxiety was alive and well - but I was usually able to overcome it.

I feel like six-years-ago me was the bright-eyed bushy-tailed rookie. In contrast, right-now me is the seasoned, disillusioned veteran. I'm where I want to be, but I've seen some things. I don't have the same sunny outlook I once did. My anxiety's through the roof, and I can't control it.

In the song "Me, Who Am I?", Prince Topher has a vastly lower opinion of himself than his knights and subjects do. Here's how he describes himself:

"Me, who am I? A far from perfect guy / a bum who wants to do what's right but often does what's wrong / a kid who's voice is way off key but loves to sing a song / a guy who dreams like a lion but wakes up like a lamb"

Meanwhile, his knights and subjects describe him with these glowing reviews:

"His Royal Highness, Christopher Rupert, slayer of dragons, pitiless to ogres, destroyer of griffins and giants, no friend to gargoyles, nice to the needy, sportsman and poet"

So who is right - Prince Topher, or his knights and subjects?

I have similar questions sometimes. How I describe myself is very different from how other people describe me. My friends call me caring, funny, inspiring. My coworkers call me hardworking, dedicated, a self-starter. Those aren't the words I use to describe myself. Does that mean they're wrong? Who am I, really? Why does it feel like I'm not the same person I was six years ago?

Here's what I know about anxiety: it lies. I can't trust it, and therefore, I can't usually trust my own thoughts about myself. That doesn't mean they're all wrong. It just means that my thoughts - the ones that stem from my anxiety - aren't painting an accurate, full picture of myself.

I can trust my friends. If I couldn't, they wouldn't be my friends, now would they?

I can trust my family. I can trust my coworkers. 

For the most part, when the people in my life tell me something about myself, I can trust that what they say is true.

I can also trust that God's Word is true. Here's just a snippet of what the Bible tells me about who I am:

I was created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

God knew me and chose me before I was even born. (Jeremiah 1:5)

I am one with Christ in my baptism. (Galatians 3:27-29)

I am forgiven of all of my sins. I do not need to be afraid. (Isaiah 43:1)

I was created and saved for specific good works. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

I will have eternal life. (John 3:16)

When I can't trust my own thoughts, I can go to the people I love and trust theirs instead. God, my family, my friends - they will tell me who I am. That hasn't changed in the last six years. 

So who am I?

Here's me, trusting you all out there to tell me, because I need it tonight.

Playlist Prompt #6: "Try Everything"

Hello, friends. Today's prompt, courtesy of Melissa, is the song "Try Everything" by Shakira, from the movie "Zootopia."

There are a few people in my life who have tried a lot of things. One of them is Melissa, obviously, who is the source of this song for a reason. But there's another person who exemplifies this song, too, and since it happens to be her birthday today, she'll be the topic of this blog post!

My mom grew up on a farm. She knows how to ride a horse and grow flowers and can vegetables and jams and jellies. She is a really great cook. Her mashed potatoes are to die for. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure she knows how to slaughter a chicken. 

She has an accounting degree, and she worked as an accountant for a few years after graduating college, but she has also been a stay-at-home mom, school cook, preschool teacher, scrapbooking saleswoman, and data entry clerk, and she currently works at a real estate office. She has a real estate agent's license. I like to refer to her as a secret agent. She assures me that she is not, but isn't that what a secret agent would say?

Those are the jobs she's held, but she's also volunteered her time as PTA president and LWML president. She's organized plant sales and Bible studies and big church events. She once cut her finger while helping in the kitchen at church, badly enough that she needed to go to the hospital and get stitches. She returned to the church and continued helping afterwards.

My mom is a dedicated sister, aunt, wife, mom, and grandma. If you want to get her attention quickly, call her Oma. It helps if you're small and cute and have red hair.

When my mom wants to do something, or when she thinks something is important, she'll do it. It doesn't matter what it is or how difficult or frustrating it might be. You can trust her to take care of what she says she'll get done. 

On the other hand, don't trust her when you're playing a card game. Even if she's had a margarita or two, she's still a force to be reckoned with.

My mother doesn't necessarily try everything, but she's not afraid to try anything that matters. That's a trait I hope I've inherited.

Happy birthday, Mom! Love you!

October Writing Prompt #6: Slow Down

Hello, friends. Tanner's prompt for to(yester)day is Slow Down.

My fourth grade student and I have the same conversation a lot. It goes like this:

"Are we in a rush?"

"No, dear, we're in no hurry at all."

"I thought you wanted me to go fast."

"No, I want you to take your time and do your work correctly."

Sometimes I wish someone would give me the same reminder. When I set out to write this blog post, I didn't want to write about slowing down. The idea of slowing down makes me feel bad. I know how my student feels! She looks around and sees her classmates doing things that she isn't doing or can't do, and she doesn't entirely understand why, and all she wants to do is speed up and catch up and be like everyone else. 

But that's not a reasonable expectation. It's more important for her to focus on herself and what she can do than on everyone else and what they can do.

In the same way, though I may feel that my progress in life is slow, though I may look around and see my friends and family doing things that I'm not doing or can't do, it wouldn't be helpful for me to try to speed up and catch up and be like everyone else. That's not a reasonable expectation. It's more important for me to take a breath and focus on myself and what I can do.

I'm not in a rush.

There's no hurry at all.

I can take my time.

It's okay to go slow.

Stay tuned for October 19th: Begin.

Writing Prompt #12: Compassion

Tanner's prompt for today is Compassion.

I just finished a Bible study on Psalm 77, and oh my goodness, did it resonate with me. Just listen to the first three verses:

"I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.

When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints."

The first nine verses of the Psalm expand on this theme. We don't know for sure what the Psalmist was going through, but it was clearly some level of excruciating spiritual anguish. In verse nine, he asks,

"Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?"

When I explain my depression, I often distinguish between what I know with my head and what I feel or believe in my heart. Reading this, my brain says, "Of course the answer to those questions is no. God would never do those things!"

But especially when I'm experiencing the deepest of depression, my heart says, "The answer to those questions is not obvious at all. Just look around. Where is God's grace? Where is God's compassion?"

It's a very troubling thing to relate to this Psalm so personally.

But the Psalm isn't done. The Psalmist goes on to write in verses ten-twelve:

"Then I said, 'I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.'

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds."

In our Bible study, we discussed the question, "What might have caused the Psalmist to make such a turnaround?" This feels like a result of a conversation to me. He could have been talking to a loved one about this crisis of faith he was having, and that person might have helped him come to the conclusions he expresses in the second half of the passage. I say that, of course, because when I am in that position, I call on my own loved ones, and they remind me of what God has already done and will continue doing. They are the answer to the questions asked earlier:

"Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?"

No - his grace and compassion are shown through his people. Even when my heart doubts, my loved ones give me confidence in God's promises.

Stay tuned for May 30th: Anxiety, which is bound to be a doozy!

The Month My World Turned Upside Down

Hello, friends.

September 2019 - the month my whole life turned upside down in the best possible way. Let me walk you through it.

September 5th: the joyful day that I was officially able to welcome my daughter, Tammy, into my family through adoption. This day was such a long time coming, but at the same time, it seems like very little changed for Tammy and me. We've been mother and daughter for three and a half years. A signature on a piece of paper doesn't make that more real. However, it was a very emotional and exciting day. I'm so glad my parents were able to come and witness it!

September 6th: Tammy's last day at Enid High School. She had so many positive experiences there and made a bunch of friends. I know it was hard for her to say goodbye.

September 7th: the day the moving truck came and hauled away pretty much everything we own. Without my parents and Lindsey Duerr, we never would have gotten everything packed in time! We were also blessed to be able to see Pastor House and Audrey.

September 8th: my last day as the DCE at Redeemer. Many of you know that Redeemer was a stressful place for me the past few years. The pastoral vacancy was overwhelming, and even when it finally ended, things didn't get better. I was hoping and praying for over a year that God would lead me and Tammy elsewhere, and as God always does, He opened a new door at exactly the right time. It was bittersweet to leave Redeemer. There were a lot of wonderful people there, and I loved the opportunity to use my gifts and talents to share the good news about Jesus. On the other hand, of course, it was a relief to be able to walk out of those doors knowing that I wouldn't have to go back. Tammy was also able to have one last hurrah at the mall with her friends.

September 9th: the day Tammy, Kensi, and I said goodbye to Enid and began our trek north. We paused to see our friends Samantha, Aaron, and Lydia in Kansas before stopping at my parents' house in Iowa for the night.

September 10th: I turned 28, got to see my brother, moved into an apartment in Greenfield, WI, and partied with Lindsey, Bryan, and Melissa. You know, an average day.

September 12th: I started my new job at Concordia Lutheran School in Sturtevant as a teacher's aid for the fourth and fifth grade classes. Meanwhile, the moving truck arrived and my apartment became an obstacle course of cardboard boxes.

September 13th: I acquired a second job as the Customer Service Representative at Mrs. Myers' Reading Room in Mt. Pleasant, just down the road from the school.

September 15th: Tammy and I went to Hales Corners Lutheran Church for the first time. It was so refreshing to worship without working, and with friends! I feel like I could get used to this.

September 17th: Tammy started at Greenfield High School. Go, Hustlin' Hawks!

September 21st: Lindsey's Harry Potter themed bachelorette party with Sara and Nicole! What an exceptionally fun day.

September 22nd: We spent the afternoon at Lindsey's apartment, where we helped prepare wedding stuff and watched the Packer game and generally enjoyed ourselves. What is this concept of having friends to hang out with?

September 29th: Tammy started her last year of Confirmation at Hales Corners. We just got back a couple of hours ago, and my heart is so full.

These are not the only things that have happened. Tammy and I have explored Milwaukee a bit and discovered fun places like a park near our apartment and this small lake you might have heard of called Lake Michigan. I've seen my friends several times a week; they've helped us assemble furniture and unpack boxes and go on Target runs and just generally been amazing. I was telling Melissa earlier today (in person!) that although I am fully aware that moving to Wisconsin is not a magical solution for depression, there is something incredibly curative about having a support system around me. I feel like the parts of me that are broken and bruised are steadily healing. It will take time. But there's nothing I can't do with these people by my side. With them, I feel like I can conquer the world.

September 2019 - the month my whole world turned upside down. I'm in a healthy place, with people I love, jobs where I feel appreciated, and an apartment in which my dog can sleep on my bed.

Life is good.

In Anticipation of Mashed Potatoes

Hello, friends.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving the state for a few days so that my mother can make me mashed potatoes (hint hint) and my father can spoil my daughter excessively. Also, so that I can hold my new baby niece. Mostly so I can hold my new baby niece.

I put it like that - "leaving the state" - because it's a really positive thing for me nowadays. It's difficult for me to find the positives around here, so I literally have to leave the city (or, preferably, the state) to find them. For example, I had a countdown on my phone for the premiere date of Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, and at the end of that countdown, I drove to Oklahoma City to see it. Spoiler alert: there are closer movie theaters. I just needed to get out of here.

That may seem depressing. No, it is depressing. But there's a silver lining in this story. I am making my own mental health a priority. I am recognizing that being here is depressing, and I am taking action to make sure that I go somewhere occasionally that is not depressing. I'm acknowledging my mental state and acting on it. That's a good thing.

I'm not nearly as addicted to NCIS as I used to be, but Gibbs' rules still pop into my brain sometimes. Rule 28: "If you need help, ask." This is another good thing I'm doing - remembering that I am not in this alone, and asking for help when I need it. My daughter informs me that I talk to Lindsey, like, every single day. This is a true fact. And while it's mostly because she's my best friend and I greatly enjoy talking to her, it's also because I know that when I need help, she'll be there. I call her in many and varied circumstances. I call her when I need to rant about bad meetings, and I call her when I need motivation to make a sandwich. Lindsey's definitely the person I contact the most, but there are many others, and I'm learning to rely on them.

I suppose what I'm trying to say while I wait for laundry to finish so I can go to bed is this: your mental health matters just as much as your physical health. Depression and anxiety are real things. (If you have questions about that, check out Elijah in 1st Kings 19 or the entire book of Job or, you know, this Jesus guy in the Garden of Gethsemane in Matthew 26.) Don't discount your feelings. Acknowledge them. Work through them. Ask for help. Find your ways to cope. It's okay to not be okay. And if anyone tells you differently... well, they're wrong.

July Adventures

Hello, friends.

It's been a crazy fun month. My blog posts are usually serious, so instead, today I'm going to share with you some of my favorite stories from the month of July. I hope you enjoy. :)

I'll start off with a classic Mad Libs story entitled "Your Undead IQ," as written by my daughter and narrated by myself and Melissa.

Are you an undead expert? Take this powerful quiz to find out! 

1. Where do vampires sleep? a) with the fishes, b) on the beach, c) inside a cat, or d) in a striped coffin

2. What is a zombie's favorite snack? a) moon salad, b) chocolate-covered pillows, c) school bits, or d) brains

3. Where do ghouls go to meet ghoul friends? a) the grocery unicorn, b) the cookie park, c) a confused school, or d) the grave-trip

4. How do mummies become undead? a) they ask Lindsey nicely, b) they travel through time using a glove machine, c) they earn extra floppy grades in school, or d) they get cursed by a soft sorcerer 

If you answered mostly Ds, you're a real undead Kleenex! Your curly expertise will come in handy - in this life and beyond...

Good times, good times. Thanks to Melissa, Lindsey, and noun expert Bryan for your excellent contributions to my daughter's Mad Libs education.

Speaking of Bryan, he passed the "get continually harassed by Mary for two days" test, which is a good sign. Within an hour I was comparing him to my dog and he didn't even flinch. That's significant right there. Take note, Lindsey.

Let's be honest though - there was a very simple and obvious reason that I wanted to visit the cheese state. It was so delightful to show my daughter the campus of my alma mater Concordia Wisconsin. That's where I met Lindsey (when I came to her room to help her roommate with English and basically didn't leave for a year) and Melissa (when she stopped by my room at 8 AM on the dot to collect money for vegetable oil). CUW is where I joined Students for Life, the group that inspired me to become a foster parent in the first place. Without this incredible school, my daughter and I might never have met.

And have I mentioned the bluff?

We walked down the stairs to the beach, dragged ourselves back up the switchbacks, bought a Zoey the comfort dog plush in the bookstore, posed for a picture with Freddy the Falcon, and giggled at the summer hours for the Falcon's Nest.

Other Wisconsin-y highlights include: eating cookies while watching American Ninja Warrior with Melissa in her ANW hat, feeling very old at a trampoline park and a water park, the "men's ballet" at the water ski show, and naming dozens of badgers for Lindsey and Bryan to own.

I'm really quite astonished that I've gotten this far in my July blog post without mentioning my nephew. Have I ever mentioned my nephew on here before? I clearly need to make up for lost time. His name is Kylen and he's the cutest person on planet earth. Soon he'll have some cute competition, but for the moment, no one can make me smile quite like him.

Kylen's accomplishments include:

1. Being totally obsessed with my dad, AKA Opa. Which is, of course, very appropriate as my dad is awesome. Everyone coming to visit Kylen arrived before Opa, and this was extremely concerning. We're all small potatoes in comparison. 
2. Mowing the lawn (and the driveway) (and the sidewalk) with his bubble mower. It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it, and Kylen's up to the task.
3. Making spaghetti with tomato sauce, thanks to the super-cool pasta play set his super-cool aunt and cousin gave him for his third birthday. 
4. Loving tractors a lot. I wasn't next to him at church, but I'm told that all he talked about the whole time was returning home to his new toy tractor from Oma and Opa.
5. Not appreciating Opa's very scary sneezes.
6. Naming his stuffed animals after letters of the alphabet. 
7. Pulling up his pants a lot. 
8. Playing frisbee with Oma.
9. Identifying the dogs (excuse me, puppies) in his neighbor's yards.
10. Have I mentioned he's cute? 

There were other people in Marion as well - Zach and Lindsey, my parents, my grandma - but none of us will deny that we were there for Kylen!

After saying goodbye to Kylen and his crew, we headed up to Minneapolis for my youth ministry conference with Melissa and my daughter's summer fun camp at the Mall of America with Lindsey. It was amazing to attend the conference. I learned so much and immensely enjoyed myself in the process. Meanwhile, my daughter and Lindsey rode roller coasters, met members of the Paw Patrol, climbed tall towers, made their own crayons, built a bear (technically a dog), and played arcade games. Lindsey also drew me this excellent map, which probably meant something at the time. 

My personal favorite activity, however, had to be the lumberjack show hosted by Concordia St. Paul (not THE Concordia, but still a good one). Oh goodness, it was hysterical. The lumberjacks were such hams and cracked us all up with their antics. I really hope we have that option for the National Youth Gathering next year. 

After Minneapolis, we spent a few days in this little place called Urbandale where I used to live. We went to the Botanical Center, where my dad and daughter ran around on a scavenger hunt while my grandma and I gave up and visited the gift shop after half an hour because it was very hot in there. My dad and I soundly defeated my mom and grandma in cards one night, only to lose just as soundly the next night, despite the fact that we were the sober ones. We also decided that we would like a turkey-shaped ice cream cake for Thanksgiving this year, please. 

Speaking of ice cream, I'll leave you with this list of all the places my daughter and I had ice cream on our fourteen-day six-state adventure. Thanks for a great trip that will hopefully be repeated soon, friends and family. :)

1. Dairy Queen
2. Culvers (twice) 
3. Kopps
4. Zach and Lindsey's house
5. Target/our Minneapolis hotel
6. ColdStone (twice) 
7. Baskin Robbins

Two Years and Counting: Life as a Foster Parent

Hello, friends.

Today, I woke up, woke my daughter up, drove her to school, came home, took a shower, got dressed, and went to work. My secretary wasn't in today, so I only took a short break to come home and grab some leftover pizza before heading back to the office. While at work, I divided my time between VBS planning and brainstorming for my confirmation class next year. I left work, hung out at home for a little bit, then picked my daughter up from school. We spent our evening as we often do: I did chores, she did chores, we ate dinner, we both stared at screens a little too much, and then she went to bed. Now I'm here, typing all of this out for you.

My day-to-day routine didn't change a whole lot when I became a foster parent over two years ago. Let's be honest: I spent a lot of time staring at screens before I was a foster parent. I went to work. I came home. I did chores. I ate leftover pizza.

However, my life in general changed dramatically when I became a foster parent. I became "Mom." Every single parent out there knows there's no coming back from that. Once you're a parent, that's it. And it's wonderful. I love being "Mom." I love the funny back-and-forths I have with my daughter. If you keep up with my Facebook feed, you know what I mean. She cracks me up like no one else can. She also makes me cry like no one else can. Recently she's been coming up to me at random times of the day and saying, "I didn't get my hug this morning." Let me tell you, unsolicited hugs from my daughter are the very best kind.

Her life changed dramatically, too. She's made an insane amount of progress in the last two years. She's matured, she's opened up, she's become braver and stronger and kinder, she's gained confidence and a sense of responsibility and a whole host of positive role models. She's becoming her own person, acknowledging the things that have happened to her without letting them define her, and that's incredible. She's been able to do all of these things because she's had stability, consistency, and unconditional love.

Does she still have a long way to go? Without a doubt. But so do I.

There are some people who question whether my decision to become a foster parent two years ago was the right one. I won't deny that I've questioned that before, too. On the days when I get calls from school, for example. Or the nights when she gets out of the shower and I make her get right back in because she didn't wash her hair. I'm pretty sure all parents have those kind of moments. But all good parents recognize that momentary discomfort or annoyance doesn't change the fact that they're parents, and they love their kids dearly and would do anything - anything - for them.

Has being a foster parent affected my job? Absolutely. I've been forced to learn more about teenagers, and parenting teenagers, and the joys and struggles both teenagers and parents face on a daily basis. What terrible experiences for a Director of Christian Education to have! It's almost like this is a good thing. Because it absolutely is. Nothing about this situation is undesirable for me. My daughter has made me a better DCE, a better Christian, a better person.

Is being her mom hard? Yes, it is. I won't sugarcoat it. But my daughter is a child of God just like you and me. She deserves compassion, sacrifice, acceptance, encouragement, love. Just love.

If anyone can take an honest look at my daughter, knowing that she's in the foster system for a reason, and say that she doesn't deserve those things, that she's somehow "less than" because she's not like other teenagers, that I shouldn't be willing to give up everything for her because it's too hard... well, the simple truth here is that they're wrong.

She's my daughter. And that's not the end of the story; it's only the beginning.

Sibling Story Time

Hello, friends. Gather around, for it is story time.

Ten years and a few months ago, my brother and I got into a big fight. This came as a surprise to exactly no one who knew us. Zach and I had a love-hate relationship that often leaned heavily towards the hate side. I have no idea what the fight was about, but I do distinctly remember that I was so mad that I decided to count down the days until he was going to move to college. I kept it up for over a hundred days. (I was recently reminded of this because it keeps popping up as a memory on Facebook!)

Fast-forward to this past Monday and Tuesday. My foster daughter and I made the trek to Marion to visit Zach, Lindsey, and Kylen. I emphasized to many people before we left that we were going to see Kylen, and there would probably be other people there, but my adorable two-year-old nephew was the priority. It's true, I did spend a disproportionate amount of time spoiling the little guy, but I also spent a lot of time talking with Zach. This has led me to a shocking conclusion:

I actually like my brother a lot.

There, I said it.

There's something unique about the bond between brother and sister. Like I said earlier, we used to argue constantly, but despite all that, there was never a time that we didn't love each other. I think it's only in the last several years that we've honestly started liking each other. I'm glad for the change, big bro. Thanks for being a role model for me. Thanks for talking through everything from taxes to parenting with me. You're an incredible father and husband and yes, brother - as much as the me of ten years ago would never believe it. Now, instead of counting down the days until you leave, I'm counting down the days until I can see you again.

And Kylen. Because he's cuter than you.

My Awesome Cousin in the Galapagos Islands

Hello, friends!

My cousin Alison (some people call her Ali, but to me she'll always be Alison) is going on a volunteering trip to the Galapagos Islands in May and June. How awesome is that? She needs some help to get her there, so please take a minute to check out her GoFundMe page. Thank you! :)

The Joy of Life and the People In It

Hello, friends! Today, as I was putting up Christmas decorations with my daughter, a thought struck me: it is fun to be a parent.

Now, that may seem obvious, but bear with me through my self-discovery.

Last year, I put up Christmas decorations all by myself. I didn't even have my dog for company, since she isn't allowed inside the house. But this year, my daughter and I put up the decorations together, and it was pure bliss.

We had a bunch of her art projects on the mantle; we took most of them down, but she insisted that her decorative dinosaur bones needed to stay up. Therefore, they're still on the mantle next to three nativity scenes.

Then we put up the Christmas tree. I'm innovative (read: cheap) and when my tree stand broke last year, I simply put the tree in a bucket, stuffed fabric into said bucket so that the tree would stay up, and then covered the bucket with my favorite Peruvian blanket as a tree skirt. She thought this solution was hilarious and wouldn't stop giggling. She also loved looking at all of my Christmas ornaments, especially since a good number of them have dates on them. We found two from my very first Christmas. She thought that was incredible.

My daughter also added some "ornaments": some pipe cleaners, feathers, strings, and necklaces. Because hey, who put a definition on "ornament," anyway? She also gave me a somewhat exasperated look when I put my Drake Bulldogs dog bone on the tree. "Really, Mom? Really?"

Sometimes (read: too often), I focus too much on the negative aspects of being a parent. I get irritated when she steals food from the fridge, exasperated when she doesn't do her work at school, frustrated when her hygiene leaves something to be desired, and I forget that she's also smart, beautiful, funny, enthusiastic, loving, caring, curious, and just plain fun.

So if you're like me and you often ignore the better parts of life, take a moment tonight and remember the joy of life and the people in it.

Focus

Hello, friends.

I have spent way too much time recently focusing on church politics. It is important to discuss the issues of the church and make decisions for the benefit of the congregation, but when I spend maybe half of my work week complaining about what's going on at church... that's too much. That's not why I'm at Redeemer.

My grandpa's funeral today reminded me of why I am at Redeemer. The service began with Psalm 23. The pastor pointed out that the last verse had been fulfilled for my grandpa: "I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." That's what my grandpa is doing now, and that's why I'm at Redeemer - so that when it comes times for the funerals of my kids and youth, the same will be known about them.

That's where my focus should be. That's where all of our focuses should be. It's time for all of us, at Redeemer and elsewhere, to put church politics aside and focus on the eternal goal.

Father's Day

Hello, friends! I hope you are all doing well this fine (very warm) Sunday. Since it's Father's Day, I thought it would be appropriate to give you a list of things I've learned from my dad. Some of these might surprise him, because they're not quotes, they're attitudes he modeled for me over the years. I hope you enjoy!

-I can't be anything I want to be, and that's okay. I am who I am and I should celebrate that.

-Along with that, I should value the gifts of others.

-I should be kind and courteous to everyone, regardless of my feelings about them.

-If I make a commitment, I should stick to it.

-Winning is exciting, but if I'm not having fun and being a good sport, it's not worth it.

-There are all kinds of problems that I can't fix, and it's not useful to dwell on that fact. Instead, I should focus on what I can change.

-Family and friends are important, and I should make an effort to keep those relationships strong.

-Laughter is fantastic medicine.

-One of the best things you can possibly do is to have fun while serving others.

-God loves me very, very much, and that is the most important lesson of all.

Those ten things are only the tip of the iceberg, and I'm sure my brother would agree. We have learned so much from this wonderful man. Thanks, Dad, and Happy Father's Day!

(Side note: it's also my nephew's first birthday. Happy birthday, Kylen!!)

A Story and a Prayer

Hello, friends! Today I have a story for you. It's about the second-best day of my life.

On December 23rd, 2014, I was in Arvada, Colorado, visiting my extended family for the holidays. My parents and I arrived in Arvada about an hour before my brother and sister-in-law did and went out to eat with my grandparents. We all went in one car, my parents and I nice and cozy in the backseat.

When we got back to my grandparents' house, we saw my brother's car. My mom was so excited that she quickly got out of the car and slammed the door... right on my forehead as I tried to exit the backseat after her. Naturally, this hurt. A lot. A lot a lot. Did I mention it hurt? We went inside, where my grandma got me some ice for my head and some Advil for the pain. I sat on a couch next to Zach and Lindsey, and my poor head was aching like no other.

You may be wondering, "Why on earth is this the second-best day of your life?" Just wait.

Zach told my parents that he and Lindsey had a Christmas present for them. My dad protested at first, saying that we weren't supposed to open presents until Christmas Eve, but finally he gave in and Zach handed him a small box. My dad opened it, my parents read what was inside, and my mom started to cry.

Keep in mind, I'm across the room, holding ice on my head and feeling very disoriented. I asked, "What does it say?" My mom said, "Come and read it!" Suddenly I realized what it had to be about, and I jumped up and ran across the room. It read, "Roses are red, violets are blue, on July 3rd your grandbaby is due."

I squealed and jumped up and down and then decided that was a terrible idea and sat back down before I fell over, but that didn't abate my excitement one bit. Lindsey was pregnant! I couldn't believe it! The rest of the night consisted of all of us freaking out (me most of all, to the surprise of none of you). When we got to our hotel that night, I texted some of my friends. I think the texts looked something like this: "Oh my gosh oh my gosh OH MY GOSH I'm an aunt!!"

Any guesses about the first best day of my life? No contest, the day my nephew was born, even if he was born two weeks early and I had to wait that long to meet him. I'll bug him about that inconvenience until my dying day, but June 19th, 2015, is still the best day ever. Ask Sarah Dittman about that one. I think she'll always remember it, too. :D

I tell you this story partly because I think it's hilarious that I probably had a minor concussion when Zach and Lindsey announced that they were having a baby. But the real reason is that the March for Life is being held today, and therefore I feel compelled to write about something pro-life. When Zach and Lindsey announced that they were expecting a baby, my first thought wasn't "I'm going to be an aunt!" My first thought was "I *am* an aunt!" My love for little Kylen Bjorn started that day, long before he was born, because he was as fully human on December 23rd as he was on June 19th. There were all kinds of developments between those two dates, but one thing didn't change - he's a person. That's a fact.

There is far more to the abortion debate than the personhood of the unborn, but I think it has to start there. If the unborn weren't people, I don't think there would be a debate. If the unborn weren't people, there would be no reason to argue about the legality of abortion. But they are. And so there is.

I can't be in D.C. today with the Marchers, but that's where my heart is. My heart is with those who march in the snow and the cold to protest abortion. My heart is with those who give up time and money and energy and comfort to bring attention to what may be the greatest issue of our day. My heart is with my nephew and all babies, born and unborn. I pray that they will be able to grow up in a world where children and women both are protected and valued as they should be.

Epic Things About Oklahoma

Hello, friends! I promise this blog will be slightly longer than the last one. Not because I'm less tired, because I'm probably more tired, but because so much has happened and I want to share it with you! For your reading pleasure, I present to you: Epic Things About Oklahoma.

1. The people!! I am enjoying getting to know the people at Redeemer so very much. I've met people between the ages of 3 months and 92 years and have enjoyed all of them. A specific story for you: a wonderful couple from church invited me to dinner and gave me quite the extensive tour of Enid. They're both photographers, and I loved seeing their studio!

2. The church! Let me tell you, the sanctuary alone would make me love Redeemer. It's recently redone with beautiful stained glass and incredible architecture. But apart from the sanctuary, I'm a fan of pretty much everything! A specific story for you: we have such an abundance of classrooms that I have a room for my confirmation class that is only ever used for my confirmation class. Hooray for not having to clean up every Wednesday!

3. The town! Oklahoma and Iowa feel like they're cut from the same mold. I'm loving it here. The weather has been great, and today I found a cool walking trail. A specific story for you: Wednesday night, Audrey House and I went on a trip to Camp Lutherhaven. Not only was the camp incredibly amazing, we passed by some mesas not far from Enid that look like perfect hiking material.

4. The district! I got to meet a bunch of Oklahoma district folks at the bi-annual convention at the beginning of this week. They are pretty cool, let me tell you. A specific story for you: I spent a few hours with a group of DCEs planning a high school youth gathering. Insert high-pitched squeal at the realization of a church work nerd's dream.

5. This girl!

Today I adopted a beautiful shepherd/lab mix named Kensi. We spent the day learning about each other. I learned that she knows how to sit on command, catch tennis balls in midair, and play tug-of-war. Meanwhile, she learned that me being out of sight for more than ten seconds is not cause for alarm. (We're still working on that last part. But there has been progress!)

6. The people! I know, I said that already. But some exciting people are showing up tomorrow to celebrate my installation and commissioning on Sunday. I'm very much looking forward to it!!

Was that enough exclamation points for you? I hope so, because I need to go take a certain dog for a walk. Good night!

Iowa Girl Meets... Oklahoma!!

Hello, friends! Greetings from the Sooner State!!

My parents and I arrived in Enid on Sunday night, where we met up with Pastor Thomas House and Larry, one of the elders of Redeemer Lutheran. They gave us a tour of the church (beautiful!!) and my new house (more on that later!). Larry then treated the four of us, plus Pastor's wife Audrey, to dinner. My parents and I then spent the rest of the evening cleaning my new place, courtesy of the bucket of cleaning supplies Jessie gave me as a going-away present.

Monday was move-in day. Pastor House and Ron, one of the trustees, helped us unload the Budget truck. Between the five of us, unloading took no time at all. (Speaking of unloading, we also had some excellent people help us LOAD the truck on Saturday. Thanks, Mike and Julie!!) After we got all of the boxes (and furniture) (and vacuums donated by cool people) into the house, we put together my futon. And by we, I mean Ron and Pastor House while the rest of us watched and tried not to break anything.

The rest of the day was packed with unpacking, various visitors from Redeemer stopping by, and trips to Wal-Mart, Lowes, and Marquis Furniture. We finished it off with a trip to Braum's for the best ice cream in Oklahoma before heading to the hotel and watching an episode of Castle.

On Tuesday morning, my parents left to return to Iowa and I was on officially on my own! Predictably, I spent the day... unpacking. I also had my weekly mentoring phone call with Pastor Jay and met some people over at Redeemer. Wednesday I was at church most of the day, organizing my new office, meeting people, and observing the Midweek school. Thursday was similar; I spent a good part of my day planning for my first week of work. (I officially start on Monday.)

Fridays will be my day off, so I'm treating today as such, even though I haven't started my job yet. I slept in, did some more unpacking, did a load of laundry and hung it out to dry on the clothesline in my backyard, and organized my kitchen and bathroom. The rest of my house is not quite organized yet, so you'll get more pictures of it in the next couple of weeks. For now, here are some pictures of my kitchen and the sign over at Redeemer!

I was welcomed on a sign! (Yes, I did notice that they spelled my name wrong...)

Also this is not a complete sentence. But it's still cool!

Here we have my kitchen table, complete with homemade napkin holder and table runner, embroidered cat from my grandma, and a book (because I need it, that's why).

And here are my favorite mugs. They're decorative AND useful!

And finally, I bought some plants for my kitchen!

Beginnings and Endings

Hello, friends! I have a fairly short blog post for you today. Just a few reflections on my week.

On Sunday, I had the incredible joy of becoming a godmother to my nephew at his baptism. Let me tell you, I loved little Kylen very much already, but there is a different element to it now. I am partially responsible for my god-nephew's faith. What a privilege and what a challenge! I was blessed with wonderful godparents (and four god-sisters), and I'm so excited to be a god-aunt to Kylen. I'm so excited to be there for him as he grows and to share my faith with him.

This afternoon, I had a more somber event to attend: the funeral of my friend's father. As I consider my god-nephew, I have to consider this: someday he will also have a funeral. It's my responsibility, privilege, and challenge to encourage and support him in faith so that when that day comes, he will enter into eternal joy just as my friend's father has. This relationship that I now have with Kylen is so very important when I think about it in those terms.

That's all for today. If you were wondering, yes, my god-nephew did scream his little heart out during the baptism. (He does that a lot.) We had a great time with family and friends. On a side note, my cousin Shannon's baby was born on Monday! Welcome to the world, Emma! :)