Surviving Today

Hello, friends.

If you're a guy and you don't like hearing about "girl problems", feel free to skip down a few paragraphs.

Did you know that having depression can affect your period? I didn't have a period for about six months not too long ago. I knew I wasn't pregnant, and I wasn't exactly missing having a period, but it felt wrong to me. I asked my doctor and she said missing periods or having more symptoms than normal are common side effects of depression.

My period eventually came back. I'm on it now, and let me tell you, depression makes it so much worse. I'm so tired and crampy and sore and moody. I go from wanting to punch someone to wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep for three days. Recently, the symptoms from my periods have lasted for two weeks or more. It's really super fun.

Okay, gross girl stuff over now. But I wanted to take a few minutes and talk about the kind of effect depression has been having on my everyday life. It's not just the lack of energy or motivation. I'm constantly unable to get out of bed. Even during VBS week, normally my favorite week of the year, I couldn't get up on time. It wasn't that I didn't want to, because I love VBS. I just couldn't.

I'm always hungry, but also always nauseous. I hardly eat anything. It's easier to forget about my stomach pain when I'm eating with friends, but those are hard to come by around here. I end up binging on junk food late at night. I've gained a lot of weight.

I get headaches all the time.

I can never get comfortable. I constantly shift positions, whether I'm at my desk or in my living room or lying in bed trying to sleep. Every little thing makes me itch or need to stretch.

Any joy I find is temporary. Anything I find exciting quickly becomes a drag. If something frustrates me, I give up on it. It's not worth the effort when it's going to wear me out so quickly.

Amongst it all, I feel deep, unrelenting guilt. I want to fix myself. I can't.

I talk about my depression a lot. I hope it doesn't bring you down - I'm just seeking understanding, because I don't have much access to that here. I hunt for concern online because those who should be concerned here aren't. I want you to be able to recognize these symptoms in others, especially your church workers. We are a special breed. We need your support. We need your understanding and concern. And often, we feel we can't ask for it.

My counselor has long told me that in order to lift my depression, I need to either change my situation or get out of it. I'm working on the second option. It's a struggle to apply for jobs when I can hardly take care of myself. But I'm trying. I have hope that this will pass.

I'm off to lose myself in the world of Pokemon for awhile. Then it's back to the daily grind of surviving today so I can thrive eventually.