Me and Elijah

Hello, friends.

In 1st Kings 18, Elijah had a great victory. He challenged the prophets of Baal to a showdown.

"I am the only one of the Lord's prophets left," he said. "But Baal has four hundred and fifty prophets. Get two bulls for us. Let Baal's prophets choose one for themselves, and let them cut it into pieces and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and put it on the wood and not set fire to it. Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by fire - he is God."

Long story short, the prophets of Baal called to their god from morning until night, with no response. Then Elijah built his altar, poured jars and jars of water over it, and called on his God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel. "Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench. When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, 'The Lord - he is God! The Lord - he is God!'"

Amazing, right? Elijah had faith in God, and God provided the sign that Elijah needed. All was well. It was a great victory.

The next day, Elijah ran for his life.

Why, you ask? He was afraid. He received a death threat and he ran. "He himself went a day's journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat under it, and prayed that he might die. 'I have had enough, Lord,' he said. 'Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.' Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep."

Today I feel like Elijah under the broom bush. I'm tired; I want to give up; I feel worthless, beaten down from all sides. Despite all of the great victories that God has given me, all I want to do is run for my life. I'm afraid. And I'm sure I'm not alone.

Elijah wasn't alone, either. Though he fled to the wilderness and lay down to die, he was not alone. "All at once an angel touched him and said, 'Get up and eat.' He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

"The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, 'Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.' So he got up and ate and drank."

Isn't that incredible? God knew what Elijah needed, and it wasn't a pep talk. It was rest. God gave Elijah time for recovery. Later, after Elijah was recovered, "the word of the Lord came to him: 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'

"He replied, 'I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.'"

If God asked me this question today, I would probably sound just like Elijah. "I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty," I would say. "I have dedicated my life to Christian education, I have moved hundreds of miles away from home, family, and friends, and I have become a foster parent. No matter what I do, it is never enough, and people are tearing me down from every side."

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'"

"Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

"Then a voice said to him, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'

Elijah repeated his complaints. He had been zealous for so long, with so few results. God replied with two main reassurances. One, that although Elijah might not see them, there would be results. Good would come of what Elijah had done. And two, Elijah was not alone. God was with him, and God would appoint helpers and successors for him.

Then God told Elijah to go and continue his work.

I often feel isolated and alone. I wonder every day if this is really where God wants me to be. "If it is," I wonder, "why did x, y, and x happen to me and those around me? What is it that God wants me to do here?" The story of Elijah gives me four sources of hope.

1) God will give me rest when I need it. My well-being is a priority of his.
2) God listens to my woes. He truly hears and understands me.
3) God is always with me, and I am not expected to do any of this alone.
4) Although I may not see it now, good things will come of what I do in this place.

It's hard to be a church worker. It's hard to be so far from friends and family. It's hard to be a foster parent. Sometimes it's just hard to be.

But I have hope.

My Failures as a Parent

Hello, friends.

Recently I've caught myself thinking some of these thoughts:

"Man, I'm really not good at this parenting thing."
"I can't believe I didn't notice that she wasn't brushing her hair."
"My house is such a mess... what kind of example am I setting?"
"I should be spending more time with her, but I'm so tired."
"Maybe I shouldn't be doing this."

I didn't take the easy road when I became a foster parent, that's for sure. I've never been one to take the easy road, but this - this is the hardest road I've ever walked. Foster parenting is frustrating and exhausting and overwhelming. I wonder all the time if this was a good decision.

Then I think about where my foster daughter might be if I hadn't taken her in. Yes, this situation is hard for me, but imagine what it's like for her. Here in my home, she knows that she is safe, and loved, and cared for. Those things have never been a guarantee for her before.

So when I find myself thinking about my failures as a parent, I remember that I've been doing this for a grand total of 8 months, and I am not expected to be perfect - just present.

This was never about me. It was always about her.

Sinners, Saints, and Supergirl

Hello, friends. Disclaimer: This became much more intense and potentially divisive than I originally intended.

I've recently been watching the wonderful show Supergirl. It's deep and meaningful and action-packed and also just plain silly at times. I love the idea that Supergirl (Kara) is an all-powerful alien and also a vulnerable person who sometimes needs to decompress over pot stickers with her human sister. It's actually her sister, Alex, who intrigues me the most on the show.

The sisterly bond between Alex and Kara is a joy to watch. They argue, they banter, they save each other's lives, they eat ice cream on the couch and binge watch tv shows, they do what they think is best for the other person with complete disregard for their own safety... Their relationship is the best part about Supergirl.

Beyond her connection to Kara, Alex is a fascinating individual in her own right. She's a bio-engineer, an expert in hand-to-hand combat, and a sharpshooter. She is courageous, independent, and strong. She dedicates her life both to protecting Kara and to protecting innocents. Everything she does is about helping make the world a better place.

She's also lesbian.

I'm well aware that many evangelical Christians would say that her sexual orientation negates all of her good qualities. That her sins outweigh her good works.

That is true for all of us.

I work for a confessional Lutheran church and I do believe that homosexuality is a sin. I also believe that lust, disrespecting your parents, cheating on homework, and idolizing sports teams and celebrities are sins. There are no perfect people. Romans 3:23 reminds us that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." All means all. All means you. All means me.

I struggle with sin. In college, and again in Florida, I struggled with sin so much that I went to a trusted mentor and confessed it with repentance in my heart. And do you know what they told me? They told me that I was forgiven. They reminded me of the next verse in Romans that reads, "and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." I was convinced, and sometimes still am, that my sins were beyond forgiveness. That my sins were too big and too bad for God. But nothing is too big and too bad for God, and I am forgiven and free. I know my mentors well enough to say that if my sin had been homosexuality, and I had come to them and confessed it with repentance in my heart, they would have told me exactly the same thing - that I was forgiven. Because my sins do outweigh my good works. That's why I need Jesus.

Alex is just a character in a tv show, but she is not an unrealistic one. Okay, maybe the part about having Supergirl for a sister is a stretch, but apart from that? She is all of us. She's a sinner in need of a Savior. And if we reject her simply because her sin is homosexuality, then we reject all those like her. We offer hatred rather than compassion, inspire fear instead of trust, and ultimately fail in our call to minister to people who need Jesus in the same way that we do.

So the next time you're watching tv and you discover that one of the characters is gay or lesbian, don't reach for the remote. Instead, take the opportunity to understand.

The Joy of Life and the People In It

Hello, friends! Today, as I was putting up Christmas decorations with my daughter, a thought struck me: it is fun to be a parent.

Now, that may seem obvious, but bear with me through my self-discovery.

Last year, I put up Christmas decorations all by myself. I didn't even have my dog for company, since she isn't allowed inside the house. But this year, my daughter and I put up the decorations together, and it was pure bliss.

We had a bunch of her art projects on the mantle; we took most of them down, but she insisted that her decorative dinosaur bones needed to stay up. Therefore, they're still on the mantle next to three nativity scenes.

Then we put up the Christmas tree. I'm innovative (read: cheap) and when my tree stand broke last year, I simply put the tree in a bucket, stuffed fabric into said bucket so that the tree would stay up, and then covered the bucket with my favorite Peruvian blanket as a tree skirt. She thought this solution was hilarious and wouldn't stop giggling. She also loved looking at all of my Christmas ornaments, especially since a good number of them have dates on them. We found two from my very first Christmas. She thought that was incredible.

My daughter also added some "ornaments": some pipe cleaners, feathers, strings, and necklaces. Because hey, who put a definition on "ornament," anyway? She also gave me a somewhat exasperated look when I put my Drake Bulldogs dog bone on the tree. "Really, Mom? Really?"

Sometimes (read: too often), I focus too much on the negative aspects of being a parent. I get irritated when she steals food from the fridge, exasperated when she doesn't do her work at school, frustrated when her hygiene leaves something to be desired, and I forget that she's also smart, beautiful, funny, enthusiastic, loving, caring, curious, and just plain fun.

So if you're like me and you often ignore the better parts of life, take a moment tonight and remember the joy of life and the people in it.

Focus

Hello, friends.

I have spent way too much time recently focusing on church politics. It is important to discuss the issues of the church and make decisions for the benefit of the congregation, but when I spend maybe half of my work week complaining about what's going on at church... that's too much. That's not why I'm at Redeemer.

My grandpa's funeral today reminded me of why I am at Redeemer. The service began with Psalm 23. The pastor pointed out that the last verse had been fulfilled for my grandpa: "I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." That's what my grandpa is doing now, and that's why I'm at Redeemer - so that when it comes times for the funerals of my kids and youth, the same will be known about them.

That's where my focus should be. That's where all of our focuses should be. It's time for all of us, at Redeemer and elsewhere, to put church politics aside and focus on the eternal goal.

Peppermints

Hello, friends.

Today was stressful. We all have those days - days that we question everything we thought we knew, days that we wonder if we're supposed to be doing what we're doing.

Today was also the day I received perhaps the strangest compliment of my life: "Mary, you're like a peppermint."

You see, if you're stressed, you often have a loop going in your head. You can't stop thinking about the thing that's stressing you out. Often, what it takes to break that loop is a really good distraction - like a peppermint, for example. Peppermints have an overpowering taste and smell. You pop one of those in your mouth and it's hard to think about anything else. Because of that, peppermints can help you calm down.

Another thing that can help you calm down is a person. I went out to lunch with a similarly stressed individual today, and he said afterwards that listening to me talk about my daughter was like a peppermint- a distraction from the situation that helped him think rationally about it. I can relate to that easily. When I was in college, Lindsey and I had a code for when one of us was stressed and needed to talk. We would ask to go for a walk down the bluff. By the time we made it down and back up those two hundred steps, we felt better every time.

I think that's the moral of my day. When you're stressed, find a peppermint. Or a person. Or both. :)

What's Best for Me

Hello, friends.

On May 18th, 2013, I graduated from Concordia University - Wisconsin and was certified as a Lay Minister with specializations in Youth Ministry, Parish Teaching, and Missions. Boy, was I bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to take on the world! I just knew that I was going to get a call right away to do youth ministry at a church in the Midwest. I even told God that.

Per the usual, God listened to my plans and laughed and said, "No, I know what's best for you." First he sent me to YMCA summer camps; next, to Lutheran Services in Iowa; next, to UPS; next, to Panera Bread. All were in Iowa, and none of them were what I wanted. I was constantly angry with God, constantly asking why he was making me wait, why he was sending me to these places when I had learned and trained and practiced to be a lay minister.

In the spring of 2014, while I was randomly Googling variations of the phrase "Lutheran church work," I stumbled across the page for the Lutheran Campus Initiative. Let me tell you, I did not want to move to Florida. Florida is hot and sticky and not the Midwest. But per the usual, God listened to my concerns and laughed and said, "No, I know what's best for you." And he was right. I may have been doing campus ministry instead of youth ministry, but I was using and developing my ministry skills. I loved Florida in the end.

The LCI program lasted a year, from July 2014-2015. I returned home to Iowa after my missionary term ended and did my least favorite activity: waiting.

I waited for almost two months, and then, one morning, I woke up to a voicemail from my CUW advisor. He informed me that Redeemer Lutheran Church in Enid, Oklahoma was calling me to be their Director of Christian Education. I'm a naturally excitable person, but that morning was the most exciting one of my life. I jumped up and down and ran all the way through the house looking for my mom; when I didn't find her, I called my dad at work to tell him the news. It turned out that my mom was in the shower, so as soon as she got out, I made her listen to the voicemail. I called friends and celebrated and generally made a nuisance of myself because I was so happy. A call! I had a call! I finally had a call!

The call process took awhile. It wasn't until the day after my birthday that I received my placement papers in the mail. I took the weekend to consider and then put the signed papers in the mail on Monday. Then I packed, and celebrated, and packed, and celebrated, and so on and so forth. My parents helped me move near the end of September.

I'm remembering all of these things today because one year ago, I was commissioned as a lay minister in the LCMS. My entire journey - beginning long before May 2013 - led me to that point. No, let me rephrase that. God led me through my entire journey to that point, and he is still leading me now. I can look back at those jobs in the interim between college and now and see why I had to have them. Could I have been ready for a call in May 2013? Sure, but I was more ready in October 2015. What's more, Redeemer was ready for me in October 2015.

I've learned many things in the past year, but the most important lesson has been this: God knows what he's doing, and he sent me to this place at this time for a reason. He truly does know what's best for me.