Playlist Prompt #30: "Into the Unknown"

Hello, friends! My final prompt for November, the month of extremely random songs, is courtesy of Kelsey. It's the song all of you had in your heads when Frozen 2 came out: "Into the Unknown."

During this scene in the movie, Queen Elsa is trying desperately to resist the temptation to go on a new adventure. She tells the voice she keeps hearing, "I've had my adventure, I don't need something new. I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you into the unknown."

Later, as she's warming to the idea of following the voice, she says, "Every day's a little harder as I feel my power grow. Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go into the unknown?"

I actually had "The Unknown" as a writing prompt back in June, and back then, here's what I wrote:

"I used to be okay with the unknown. [Moving to Oklahoma] backfired, and I found myself longing for the "known." I wanted my old friends, my old home, my old life. ... I don't know that I'll ever venture into that dramatic of an "unknown" again."

In June, whenever I thought about the future, I felt sad. I couldn't imagine being happy doing anything other than being a DCE. I told everyone who asked that my skills fit that career so perfectly, they couldn't possibly match up with anything else. I was like Elsa in Frozen 2 saying that I've had my adventure, and it was plenty, and I didn't need anything else, ever.

Now?

I don't want to reveal too much yet, because there are a lot of, well, unknowns. But for the first time since I left Oklahoma, I feel that longing again. The longing for something new, something unfamiliar, something that feels like me. Something that I can see myself doing without feeling sad for what I've lost. It's a liberating feeling. 

More details to come, I hope!

In the meantime... I won't be writing every day in December, because that's a lot. But if anyone has any bright Christmas-related writing prompt ideas, please share! Thanks for following along with me this month! And a special thanks to Lindsey, Melissa, Rachel, Kelsey, and Zach for providing me with songs to write about - it was a lot of fun! 

Playlist Prompt #29: "Music Box"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt is a song by one of my favorite artists, Malinda, called "Music Box."

There's one line that's always stood out to me in this song:

"Whose face is in the mirror today? Is it me, or am I in the way?"

I get in my own way a lot. I look at myself in the mirror and think only about what I perceive to be wrong. That's not healthy, or helpful, or positive. It's an odd behavior if you think about it, because if I was looking at anyone else's face, I would be only focusing on what was right and beautiful and lovely. I try to be very affirming of my friends and family. I build them up as much as I can. So why do I use words with myself that I would never use with anyone else?

That begs the question, how can I get out of my own way?

There's no easy answer to that question, but I do see one starting point: using positive words.

Playlist Prompt #28: "Light in the Hallway"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of my brother Zach, is the song "Light in the Hallway" by Pentatonix.

This song is a lullaby, written from the perspective of a parent to a child. However, much of it could easily be seen from the perspective of God to us, his children. I can draw biblical parallels for almost every line:

"Close your eyes, lay your head down / now it's time to sleep"

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)

"If you're scared of the darkness, I will calm your fear / There's a light in the hallway so you know I'm here"

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5)

"So count your blessings every day / It makes the monsters go away"

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)

"And everything will be okay / You are not alone / You are right at home"

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) 

Playlist Prompt #27: "Just Want You"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Rachel, is the song "Just Want You" by Sarah Reeves.

This song - particularly this line: "I don't want it if you're not in it, I just want you" - brought to mind Psalm 42. I only remembered the first verse:

"As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God."

Doesn't that invoke the same theme? All I want is you, God. And it's such a pretty image; you picture a deer by a stream, a calm, quiet scene. But check out the next couple of verses:

"My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, "Where is your God?" 

The Psalmist is not describing a mild thirst he's experiencing. This is the kind of thirst you feel after you've been crying for days without drinking water. I don't know what the Psalmist was going through, but whatever it was, it was terrible.

He goes on:

"These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you."

When all he can do is cry his eyes out, he finds comfort and release in remembering what God has done for him in the past. He goes on to describe God's steadfast love and the song that's with him in even the darkest of times.

Sarah Reeves' song talks about wanting God's plan even if it's not her own. The Psalmist surely wishes that he was not going through whatever it is that's troubling him so deeply, but he doesn't ask God to take it away. He has questions, sure:

"I say to God, my rock, "Why have you forgotten me?"

But his questions do not preclude his faith. Even when we feel confused, unsure, afraid, heartbroken, anxious - our faith reminds us that God has been with us before, and he is with us now, and he will always be with us. We can trust his plan.

Playlist Prompt #26: "10,000 Reasons"

Hello, friends! Happy Thanksgiving! Today's prompt, courtesy of Melissa, is the song "10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)" by Matt Redman.

This song is based on Psalm 103:1-5. 

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

I like the Lutheran Study Bible note under verses 3-5.

"Psalmist names personal blessings for which he is thankful. Forgiveness tops the list."

How many of us, in listing things we're thankful for every year around this time, put forgiveness at the top of the list? But King David, attributed as the author of this Psalm, considers it most important. David, who rose from a lowly shepherd boy to the ruler of Israel, who has a palace and armies and victories to his name - the first item on his "thankfulness list" is forgiveness. 

The first verse of "10,000 Reasons" goes like this:

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning / It's time to sing Your song again / Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me / Let me be singing when the evening comes"

If we put forgiveness at the top of our list, then we can put every new day into perspective. We are fortunate to live forgiven. Whatever may pass, whatever lies before us - forgiveness is what matters in the end, as the last verse of "10,000 Reasons" reminds us:

"And on that day when my strength is failing / The end draws near and my time has come / Still, my soul will sing Your praise unending / Ten thousand years and then forevermore"

Let us spend our days remembering God's righteousness, justice, mercy, grace, love, and compassion, and the infinite number of reasons to bless his name. 10,000 doesn't even begin to cover it. 

Playlist Prompt #25: "In My Life"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "In My Life" by the Beatles.

This song makes me think of Heaven.

It starts out talking about nouns. Just kidding, but it's true all the same: the song talks about people, places, and things that the singer loves. There's a lot of nostalgia in this song, and I'm here for it! I can list some of my favorite places:

• The bluff at Concordia University Wisconsin
• The Chapel of Christ Triumphant, also at CUW
• University Lutheran's sanctuary
• Lake Okoboji
• Walker Johnston Park in Urbandale

And I can list some of the things I associate with those places:

• Many, many walks up and down the switchbacks with Lindsey
• Many, many chapel services with my college friends
• The joy-filled Vespers nights with the UL crowd
• Swimming in the lake with my camp friends growing up
• Playing at the park with my neighbors as a kid

I don't get to those places very much anymore. I see some of those places very differently now than I did as a child. But the memories will always be there, and they'll always make me smile.

But as the song says:

"But of all those friends and lovers / there is no one compares with you / and those memories lose their meaning / when I think of love as something new"

"Though I know I'll never lose affection / for people and things that went before / I know I'll often stop and think about them / In my life, I love you more"

When we get to Heaven, it will be so insanely wonderful beyond all of our imaginations. It'll be like all of our favorite places combined and so much more than that. Our memories of the old Earth will be nice, but they'll lose their meaning to us in the light of the wonderful new Earth we're now experiencing. Isn't that an interesting thought - a place that has no dark side, that will never lose its hold on us, that we'll never need to feel nostalgic for because we'll never lose it? 

Playlist Prompt #24: "Too Honest Lullaby"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of yours truly, is the song "Too Honest Lullaby" by Whitney Avalon.

When I moved to Oklahoma, I lived by myself in a house for the first time. I remember a time a few months in when I said to myself, "It's been awfully cold in here recently." It wasn't until a few days later that I realized I lived in this house by myself, and therefore, I controlled the thermostat. I could turn the heat up if I wanted to!

The reason I like Whitney's "Too Honest Lullaby" so much is that it makes me feel like I'm not alone in not quite feeling like an adult, even though I'm nearing thirty. Here are a few of my favorite lines:

"You'll never buy the right number of bananas / You'll run out or some will go brown / But that's okay"

"You'll remember the lyrics to hundreds of songs / And forget the name of the guy you just met / But that's okay"

"You'll cut one toenail weird which will get so ingrown / It becomes a major life regret / But that's okay"

"You'll have a junk drawer you always mean to clean out / But you'll never bother"

I listen to the song with these silly but relatable lyrics, and I think to myself, "See, I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm not the only one who does these things. I'm not alone!"

And then Whitney hits me with these lines:

"And once in awhile you'll hit a wall / There will be a few times when things aren't okay at all / You'll curl up in bed, cry until your eyes are red / Wonder if you should just give up instead"

And I think to myself, huh. So I'm not the only one who feels that way, either.

She continues:

"But thanks to loved ones and their dedication / And sometimes astutely-prescribed medication / You'll find your way, back to okay"

 I am not the only one who needs my friends and family to function. I am not the only one who sometimes needs medication to function. And I am not the only one who needs to find my way back to okay.

I love this song because it's so real. It reminds me that the feelings I feel and the things I do are normal. I'm not always okay. And that's okay.

Playlist Prompt #23: "Fix You"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Melissa, is the song "Fix You" by Coldplay.

I am very tired tonight. I couldn't sleep last night, I was out of the house from 8 AM-8:30 PM today, my head hurts, and all I want is for someone to say, "I will try to fix you." 

I don't need them to actually be able to fix me. I know that's not how life works. But it is immensely helpful to be seen - for someone to acknowledge that I'm hurting and to make it a priority to help. My friends are great at that. 

My head is banging and I need to go to bed. So I'll leave you with that thought: I don't need you to fix me but I need you to try sometimes.

Playlist Prompt #22: "Little Talks"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men.

This song is a conversation between a husband and wife. The catch is, the husband has passed away, and the wife is kind of having this conversation inside her head.

Do you ever have conversations with yourself? I do, all the time. The "me" in my head is usually not as nice and sweet as the husband is in the song. The "me" inside my mind is pretty mean, actually. It tells me all the things I'm doing wrong. It tells me all the reasons my friends don't really like me. It tells me I can't. It tells me I won't. It tells me nothing really matters.

Sometimes I need someone to shout "Hey!" at me to get me out of my head. Whether that's literally making a counterpoint to what my brain is telling me, or giving me a hug, or bringing me lasagna or custard or muffins, or sitting in my living room inspiring me to be productive - whatever it might be, it helps, because it's really hard to contradict what I'm hearing inside my head all alone. I need outside sources to counteract what I tell myself.

So whenever I ask you something that seems obvious to you, or beg you for help with something that's not hard, just remember - you're helping me fight my sinful, broken self. It may seem simple to you, but it's not to me. You're being Jesus with skin on, and I appreciate it more than words can say!

Playlist Prompt #21: "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Kelsey, is the song "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" by Fall Out Boy.

There's a lot of fire in this song. I don't mean that metaphorically, like it's a really high-energy song. I mean it literally. The song says "Light 'em up" a grand total of 18 times! 

According to singer/songwriter Pete Wentz, this song is about starting over.

"When you do take account of your life, sometimes it's all right to just burn it, raze it, and start fresh. For me, it's happened a couple of times, and it's been a healthy thing. I feel better as a person, I feel reenergized."

Fire is a very permanent thing. You can't undo flames. I suppose that's why it's such a great visualization for starting over. No matter what, once the fire burns out, you have to start something new. You can't go back. It's just not possible.

Most of the time, when fire is mentioned in the Bible, it's as a punishment. Think Sodom and Gomorrah style. However, there is a notable instance in which fire is used as a guide - right after Pharaoh let the Israelites leave Egypt.

"And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people." (Exodus 3:21-22)

The Exodus is an extreme example of starting over. An entire nation of people was escaping Egypt into the wilderness, not knowing where they were going or what was going to happen. They couldn't go back to the way things were. It just wasn't possible. No matter what, they had to start anew. And they weren't alone - God was in the fire, leading them.

Our examples today aren't quite as dramatic, but that doesn't make them less relevant. I moved from Oklahoma without much of a plan, but I knew one thing: I couldn't go back. I was starting over. I didn't have a pillar of fire to follow; I had to trust God's timing and the people he placed in my life. I still do, as hard as it is sometimes. What I probably need to do now is "light 'em up" - that is, burn the memories that hold me back, and start fresh. I can't move forward if I'm looking over my shoulder. I have to believe in God's promise that he will never depart from me.

Playlist Prompt #20: "Defender"

Hello, friends. Today's prompt, courtesy of Rachel, is the song "Defender" by Francesca Battistelli.

This part of the song really sticks out to me tonight:

"All I did was praise / all I did was worship / all I did was bow down / oh, all I did was stay still"

I love to be in control. I want to be the reason everything works. But often, I am not in control, and everything that works is not up to me. 

"All I did was stay still" - I am not good at staying still! I want to help! 

But sometimes, that's all God asks of us.

It's okay to be still.

Playlist Prompt #19: "Even If It Breaks Your Heart"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Zach, is the song "Even If It Breaks Your Heart" by the Eli Young Band.

Not-so-fun fact: after moving to Wisconsin last September, I wrote a memoir of sorts about my time in Oklahoma. From the title, "Church Work Sucks," can you guess what the overall mood of my writing was?

Let me tell you - I thought that place broke my heart for good. I didn't want to dream anymore. I didn't even want to think about church work, at all, ever. I had a mild anxiety attack a few months after moving because someone was excited to learn that I had once been a DCE and wanted to talk about it. I did not want to talk about it, but it felt like every little thing reminded me of it, and it was truly depressing. I was sure there was something wrong with me, and that I would never feel free enough to follow my dream again.

The song says it, though - some dreams never go away entirely, no matter what kind of experiences you've had with them.

"Some dreams stay with you forever / drag you around but bring you back to where you were / Some dreams keep on getting better / Gotta keep believing if you want to know for sure."

I thought I'd lost the ability to dream, but as it turns out, my dreams were just evolving a bit. As a DCE, I'd wanted to impact the lives of young people and help them find their place in God's story. I am still doing that. I am still following that dream.

I am not "just a teacher's aide," as I tend to self-deprecatedly describe myself. I am a teacher's aide, a dedicated aide for a fourth grader with special needs, someone who matters in the grand scheme of things, who is making a difference each and every day. That's all I've ever dreamed about. My heart isn't broken after all - sometimes I feel like the Grinch on Christmas, with my heart growing three sizes every day. I never thought I'd feel that way again. I was wrong, and I am so glad.

Playlist Prompt #18: "The Song That Never Ends"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Melissa because who else, is the song fittingly called "The Song That Never Ends."

Do you ever feel like a broken record, repeating the same old song? Like you're stuck in a pattern and can't escape it? 

I feel that way a lot. And just like the song says,

"Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was / and they'll continue singing it forever, just because"

We never intend to adopt bad habits. We never wake up one morning and think to ourselves, "Today I'm going to start eating junk food all the time," or "Today I'm going to start worrying constantly about unreasonable things." No, bad habits start accidentally, and often with a healthy dose of self-deception. "I'll just do it this once," we say, although if we allowed ourselves to think about it, we would know that whatever "it" is will likely happen again, and again, and again.

The best example of a vicious cycle in the Bible is in the book of Judges. Each section of Judges starts out the same way - the Israelites fall into sin. Then God allows them to be oppressed. Then the Israelites repent. Then God delivers them from oppression. Then they fall into sin again, and the cycle starts anew. 

God is part of that cycle. He is omniscient - he knows that the Israelites will fall into sin again. So why does he keep delivering them, over and over and over? Wouldn't it be easier and more logical to abandon his faithless children?

Sometimes the best news is that God's love defies logic. Just like our fall into sin and our bad habits are endless cycles, so too is God's love for us.

"The steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him." (Psalm 103:17a)

No matter what, day after day, time after time, everlasting to everlasting, God's love will remain. His mercy will never fail. That is the true song that never ends, and it will go on and on, my friends.

Playlist Prompt #17: "Learn to Fly"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "Learn to Fly" by the Foo Fighters.

The chorus seems to give the best summary of the song:

"Now I'm looking to the sky to save me / looking for a sign of life / Looking for something to help me burn out bright / I'm looking for a complication / Looking 'cause I'm tired of lying / Make my way back home when I learn to fly high"

According to Dave Grohl, the song is about "the search for some sort of inspiration, the search for signs of life that will make you feel alive." 

I know this search well! I am always looking for something that will make me feel like I'm doing more than just surviving. My search for inspiration has led me to people (my friends, my daughter, my niece and nephew, etc.). It has led me to work (specifically the Lutheran Campus Initiative, my job at Redeemer, and now my job at Concordia). It has led me to writing. Growing up, my search led me to sports and school and youth group. Recently, I've turned to hiking and cooking and Marvel movies.

You may have noticed that my search has led me to a lot of places. That's because I'll never find lasting inspiration here on Earth. Everything is fleeting.

"I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind." (Ecclesiastes 1:14)

 Knowing that nothing will satisfy me is actually helpful. It's a reminder that I'm not doing this whole "living" thing wrong. Nothing on Earth is supposed to satisfy me, because Earth is not where I belong! Someday, I'll get to Heaven, to the place that Jesus has prepared for me, and I won't have to search for inspiration anymore. It will be literally at my fingertips all the time. Isn't that a wonderful thought? 

Playlist Prompt #16: "What a Wonderful World"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Rachel, is Phil Wickham's cover of "What a Wonderful World."

I always start my blog with "Hello, friends," but today I'm going to add an extra address, because it seems right. So...

Dear Rachel,

This is a good song. Really, it is! But did your Enneagram 7 self have to pick it for me? Because today, friend, the world doesn't seem all that wonderful to me. I know you're an Enthusiast, and you love to look on the bright side, but I'm a Helper, and today I feel like I helped no one. Where's the bright side in that?

When I look at the lyrics to "What a Wonderful World," I notice one thing: the singer isn't doing anything to make the world wonderful. The world is wonderful just as it is. All the singer is doing is taking the time to notice and enjoy it. He is obviously a 7, Rachel! How is this fair? You couldn't pick a song from a 2's perspective for me? What kind of advice is "stop and smell the roses" for a 2?

Okay, okay. As I take a minute to consider, I can see where this might be useful. I am much more likely to "stop and worry about the roses" than I am to admire them. And even in 2020, there are things to admire.

• Health care workers
• Teachers
• The resilience of children
• Fall leaves
• Good books
• Meatball skewers
• My neighbor's Corgi

There, Rachel, are you happy now? I found the bright side. And despite myself, I listed 7 things that I have no control over, that are wonderful all on their own, whether I'm at 100% on any given day or not. These things exist by the grace of God. We ought to take the time to notice and enjoy them more often.

Thanks for the reminder. Maybe you picking this song was okay after all.

Love,

Mary :)

Playlist Prompt #15: "My Lighthouse"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of myself, is the song "My Lighthouse" by Rend Collective.

I write about my anxiety a log in this blog. Here are some of the things this song talks about that make me anxious:

• Failure
• Silence
• Questions/doubts
• The future

Often, I rely on my friends to lead me through those anxieties. I'll call them when I feel like a failure, when I'm nervous in the silence, when I'm questioning who I am and doubting myself, when I'm looking ahead at the future and not liking what I see.

The fact is that my friends will not always be able to reassure me. Sometimes, my friends - as exceedingly wonderful as they are - will even be the cause of those anxieties. They're just human, after all. They aren't perfect. They won't always know what to say or do.

This song is a reminder of the one person I can always rely upon. God's great love will bring me through. He is my peace. He promises to always be with me. He's never at a loss, never wondering what I need the most, because he knows. He created me, after all.

Lighthouses are navigational tools. They show sailors the way to go. God's Word does that for us. When we're stuck in our failures, when we're scared in the silence, when we have questions or doubts, when we're uncertain of the future, God's Word shows us the way to go.

About our failures:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2nd Corinthians 12:9)

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

About silence:

"And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him." (1st Kings 11-13) 

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: ...a time to keep silence, and a time to speak..." (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7)

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation." (Psalm 62:1)

About questions or doubts:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

"The father of the child cried out and said, 'I believe; help my unbelief!'" (Mark 9:24) 

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

About the future:

"Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off."  (Proverbs 23:18)

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth." (Job 19:25) 

What verses do you go to in times of failure, silence, questions, doubts, or worries about the future? Share them in the Facebook comments! 

Playlist Prompt #14: "Shut Up and Dance"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Kelsey, is the song "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon.

You know what this song is about? Overthinking things. And you know what the message is? Don't do that. Relax, have fun, let loose... shut up and dance!

There's a second message, too: don't let things (or people) slip away because of your nerves. Sometimes, things that are meant to be happen just the way they're meant to, and it doesn't matter why. Just accept it! Again, just shut up and dance!

No need to overthink it, there's not much more to say. :)

Playlist Prompt #13: "Dream Big"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Zach, is the song "Dream Big" by Ryan Shupe and the RubberBand.

This song is a mixed bag of advice, in my opinion. For example, here are a few snippets that don't sit quite right with me:

"When you smile, be sure to smile wide and don't let them know that they have won."

"When you walk, walk with pride; don't show the hurt inside."

Those two lines seem to support the idea of hiding your troubles and pretending everything is fine. I know from experience - not the best plan.

However, the song does have some good advice, too:

"When you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud 'cause it will carry all your cares away."

"When you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself and it will help you feel okay."

"When you pray, pray for strength to help you carry on."

And, of course, the titular piece of advice:

"When you dream, dream big - as big as the ocean blue. 'Cause when you dream, it might come true."

Laughter really does carry all your cares away, even if only for a moment. Seeing the beauty around you, and in yourself, can help you have a positive outlook even in dark times. Praying for strength, of course, is a good thing no matter what you're going through. As for dreaming big?

Sometimes I wonder if dreaming big is worth it. I had big dreams growing up, I had big dreams during college and in my first few years of ministry, and none of those dreams came true. Looking back on those big, failed dreams doesn't necessarily make me feel great. Part of me wants to encourage people to dream small, attainable dreams. But what kind of a world would we live in if people only dreamed small?

So dream big, friends. And feel free to adjust your dreams as you go without feeling like a failure. Dreams are just that, after all - dreams. They don't have to come true to be valuable.

Playlist Prompt #12: "Truth Be Told"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Melissa, is the song "Truth Be Told" by Matthew West.

I wrote last night about how I have to rely on other people to tell me the truth about myself, because my anxiety makes my own thoughts unreliable. The song "Truth Be Told" talks about a different kind of deception. It's about how we rarely tell other people our truths. We hide them behind the phrase "it's fine." We pretend. We even do that with God. We don't want to admit our sins, our failures, our shortcomings to anyone.

That didn't work for Adam in the Garden, and it certainly doesn't work for us. But just like Adam, God doesn't condemn us. He calls out to us and treats us as we don't deserve to be treated. He loves us. He promises us a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not look like we imagined, but it's there all the same. We can trust in the truth that God always works for our good.

Playlist Prompt #11: "Me, Who Am I?"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of me, is the song "Me, Who Am I?" from the Broadway musical "Cinderella."

I ask myself that question a lot. Who am I? The answer is certainly a little different than it was when I started this blog, six years and two hundred posts ago. Back then, I was a recent college grad on my first big adventure. Florida wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was following my ministry dreams where they led me. I knew what I was meant to do. I was shaky sometimes - my anxiety was alive and well - but I was usually able to overcome it.

I feel like six-years-ago me was the bright-eyed bushy-tailed rookie. In contrast, right-now me is the seasoned, disillusioned veteran. I'm where I want to be, but I've seen some things. I don't have the same sunny outlook I once did. My anxiety's through the roof, and I can't control it.

In the song "Me, Who Am I?", Prince Topher has a vastly lower opinion of himself than his knights and subjects do. Here's how he describes himself:

"Me, who am I? A far from perfect guy / a bum who wants to do what's right but often does what's wrong / a kid who's voice is way off key but loves to sing a song / a guy who dreams like a lion but wakes up like a lamb"

Meanwhile, his knights and subjects describe him with these glowing reviews:

"His Royal Highness, Christopher Rupert, slayer of dragons, pitiless to ogres, destroyer of griffins and giants, no friend to gargoyles, nice to the needy, sportsman and poet"

So who is right - Prince Topher, or his knights and subjects?

I have similar questions sometimes. How I describe myself is very different from how other people describe me. My friends call me caring, funny, inspiring. My coworkers call me hardworking, dedicated, a self-starter. Those aren't the words I use to describe myself. Does that mean they're wrong? Who am I, really? Why does it feel like I'm not the same person I was six years ago?

Here's what I know about anxiety: it lies. I can't trust it, and therefore, I can't usually trust my own thoughts about myself. That doesn't mean they're all wrong. It just means that my thoughts - the ones that stem from my anxiety - aren't painting an accurate, full picture of myself.

I can trust my friends. If I couldn't, they wouldn't be my friends, now would they?

I can trust my family. I can trust my coworkers. 

For the most part, when the people in my life tell me something about myself, I can trust that what they say is true.

I can also trust that God's Word is true. Here's just a snippet of what the Bible tells me about who I am:

I was created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

God knew me and chose me before I was even born. (Jeremiah 1:5)

I am one with Christ in my baptism. (Galatians 3:27-29)

I am forgiven of all of my sins. I do not need to be afraid. (Isaiah 43:1)

I was created and saved for specific good works. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

I will have eternal life. (John 3:16)

When I can't trust my own thoughts, I can go to the people I love and trust theirs instead. God, my family, my friends - they will tell me who I am. That hasn't changed in the last six years. 

So who am I?

Here's me, trusting you all out there to tell me, because I need it tonight.

Playlist Prompt #10: "Kiss The Girl"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Kelsey, is the song "Kiss The Girl" from "The Little Mermaid."

Princess Ariel is one of two redheaded princesses that I've gotten to write about in the past week. And just like Merida's song, "Kiss The Girl" requires an understanding of the context of the movie for us to fully appreciate it.

In the scene when this song is played, Ariel is under a spell from the evil sea witch Ursula. Here it is in its entirety:

"Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? Three days. Now listen, this is important. Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get dear ol' princey to fall in love with you. That is, he's got to kiss you. Not just any kiss, the kiss of true love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain human, permanently, but if he doesn't, you turn back into a mermaid, and you belong to me!"

Ariel made it to land and met her prince, but she's in dire straits. She needs him to fall in love with her and kiss her. If that doesn't happen, she'll lose her freedom, in more ways than one. Admittedly - she did this to herself. She made this choice. So you could look at her and say, well, too bad, hope you figure it out! Your decision, your responsibility!

The good news is that Ariel is not alone in this situation. She has friends! Sebastian the crab, Flounder the fish, and Scuttle the seagull all band together with her. They do everything they can to get Prince Eric to fall in love with Ariel and give her true love's kiss. This whole song is orchestrated (ha) by Sebastian as he desperately tries to help his friend.

The song may say it's about a kiss, but to me, this song is about what we do for our friends, even when they've made questionable decisions. And isn't that a beautiful thing?

(Also, icky. Kissing.)

Playlist Prompt #9: "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" by They Might Be Giants.

This song, boiled down to basics, is about change, isn't it? Constantinople became Istanbul, New Amsterdam became New York, etc. Things change.

We change, too. Just like cities and states over time, we change. Sometimes those changes are good, sometimes they're bad, but whether they're good or bad, they happen. Sometimes we change on purpose, sometimes we're the victim of circumstance, but either way, we change. It's inevitable.

It's refreshing to remember that there is one thing in life that never changes.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." -Hebrews 13:8

Playlist Prompt #8: "Into The Sea"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Rachel, is the song "Into The Sea" by Tasha Layton.

Let me tell you, friends, I'm 97% sure that Tasha plucked this song from my thoughts, because I have asked these questions. Repeatedly.

"Are you still good?"

"Can you make something from the wreckage?"

"Would you take this heart and make it whole again?"

I feel, all the time, like the mountains of my world are being moved into the sea, like the ground beneath me is crumbling and giving way. I almost never feel like I'm standing on a firm fountain; I'm rocked by my doubts constantly.

It's always encouraging to me to hear Christian artists sing about topics like these. One of my favorite songs in college was "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North. It asks questions in the same vein as "Into The Sea":

"How long must I pray?"

"How long must I wait?"

"How long till I see your face?"

I loved this song because it asked the questions I was too afraid to say out loud, and it didn't do the easy thing of answering them with the "Sunday school answer." It acknowledged that sometimes, we don't know why and we feel alone and we don't see the way out. That doesn't make us bad Christians. It makes us normal Christians.

"Into The Sea" gives a bit of an answer:

"I can hear my Father singing over me / It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay." 

It doesn't say, "Everything will be fine so don't worry." It says, "It's gonna be okay," while still acknowledging that sometimes, those mountains will move and the ground will crumble. Our "okay" is not perfection. It's reality - with God's promise of salvation.

Playlist Prompt #7: "God's Country"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Zach, is the song "God's Country" by Blake Shelton.

There are a lot of interesting lyrics in this song. Blake sings about sunrises, dogs, the devil going down to Georgia, pinewood boxes, muddy riversides, moonshine... But the line that stuck out to me is this:

"Got a deed to the land, but it ain't my ground / This is God's country"

I'm reminded of Psalm 24, which starts out this way:

"The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein, for he has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers."

Everything we have is God's. From the very beginning, he has given us the responsibility to take care of "God's country." That will look a little different for all of us, but the essence is the same: to be good stewards of the earth. 

What are some ways we can do that? Share some ideas in the Facebook comments!

Playlist Prompt #6: "Try Everything"

Hello, friends. Today's prompt, courtesy of Melissa, is the song "Try Everything" by Shakira, from the movie "Zootopia."

There are a few people in my life who have tried a lot of things. One of them is Melissa, obviously, who is the source of this song for a reason. But there's another person who exemplifies this song, too, and since it happens to be her birthday today, she'll be the topic of this blog post!

My mom grew up on a farm. She knows how to ride a horse and grow flowers and can vegetables and jams and jellies. She is a really great cook. Her mashed potatoes are to die for. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure she knows how to slaughter a chicken. 

She has an accounting degree, and she worked as an accountant for a few years after graduating college, but she has also been a stay-at-home mom, school cook, preschool teacher, scrapbooking saleswoman, and data entry clerk, and she currently works at a real estate office. She has a real estate agent's license. I like to refer to her as a secret agent. She assures me that she is not, but isn't that what a secret agent would say?

Those are the jobs she's held, but she's also volunteered her time as PTA president and LWML president. She's organized plant sales and Bible studies and big church events. She once cut her finger while helping in the kitchen at church, badly enough that she needed to go to the hospital and get stitches. She returned to the church and continued helping afterwards.

My mom is a dedicated sister, aunt, wife, mom, and grandma. If you want to get her attention quickly, call her Oma. It helps if you're small and cute and have red hair.

When my mom wants to do something, or when she thinks something is important, she'll do it. It doesn't matter what it is or how difficult or frustrating it might be. You can trust her to take care of what she says she'll get done. 

On the other hand, don't trust her when you're playing a card game. Even if she's had a margarita or two, she's still a force to be reckoned with.

My mother doesn't necessarily try everything, but she's not afraid to try anything that matters. That's a trait I hope I've inherited.

Happy birthday, Mom! Love you!

Playlist Prompt #5: "Touch The Sky"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of myself, is the song "Touch The Sky" from the movie "Brave."

This song plays in the movie throughout a scene in which Merida is able to escape castle life for a day and ride her horse into the woods. She explains it this way:

"Once in awhile, there's a day when I don't have to be a princess. No lessons, no expectations, a day where anything can happen. A day I can change my fate."

Throughout this scene, we see Merida in her element. She's riding her horse like the expert she is. She's practicing archery, a feat at which she clearly excels, just for the fun of it. She sees a cliff and climbs it because she can, and she's exuberant when she reaches the top. In short, this is Merida when she feels completely free. Just listen to the chorus:

"I will ride, I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky!"

I remember that feeling from when I used to be a runner. My adventures may have been a little less dramatic than Merida's, but I know the feeling of freedom she's experiencing here - the thrill of doing something joyful and powerful for no one but yourself. I used to have a somewhat unsafe habit of running during thunderstorms. I loved being the only person in sight, soaked to the skin, chasing after that runner's high in between flashes of lightning.

I haven't found an equivalent to that feeling since I stopped running. I hope I do someday, because there's nothing quite like it.

Do any of you know that feeling? Share what gives you that sense of freedom in the Facebook comments!

Playlist Prompt #4: "Shake It Off"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Kelsey, is the song "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift.

I assume that, unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard this song before. If you're anything like me, however, you might have never really listened to the lyrics. I confess that even after listening to the song several times over the last four days and watching the music video for the first time this morning, I didn't really get it.

Then I watched some behind-the-scenes videos. In them, we get Taylor's commentary on the song and video, along with many takes of her trying out a variety of styles of dance. 

In the song, Taylor talks about how to respond when people say nasty things. In essence, her advice is "shake it off," but there's more to it than that. She talks about how important it is to dance to your own beat and not spend time worrying about what other people say.

The video itself goes into this on a deeper level, showing Taylor dancing with a variety of different groups (ballerinas, modern dancers, rhythmic gymnasts, cheerleaders, etc.). The catch is that she's not good at those types of dance! She stands out. She doesn't fit in. And that's the point. It's not until the very end that she finds her group where even her silly dancing looks cool, because no one is judging her. She can dance to her own beat without needing to impress anyone or worry about what they might say.

Here are my takeaways:

-Be yourself, no matter what others say.

-Be silly and have fun.

-Set your own goals and work towards them because you want to, not because you need to prove anything.

Here's my favorite Taylor quote from one of those behind-the-scenes videos I mentioned:

"A lot of people who I think will relate to this song are people who are dealing with not ever really feeling cool with themselves because other people make them feel like they don't fit in. ... I don't think it's the most important thing in life to fit in. I think it's the most important thing in life to dance to the beat of your own drum and to look like you're having more fun than the people who look cool, like they fit in. "

Playlist Prompt #3: "Life Changes"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of my brother, is the song "Life Changes" by Thomas Rhett.

I remember my brother telling me once that he loves country music because every song tells a story. Well, this song tells a story all right, and it's a beautiful one. Thomas Rhett tells the story of his family in this song - his wife and his two daughters. Originally, he and his wife planned on adopting a child from Uganda. Just when that came to be, they found out they were expecting a biological child, too. Rhett sings,

"Ain't it funny how life changes? You wake up, ain't nothing the same, and life changes. You can't stop it, just hop on the train and you never know what's gonna happen. You make your plans and you hear God laughing. Life changes, and I wouldn't change it for the world."

Life changes, indeed. From no children to two under two in a very quick time span - that's a heck of a life change! 

We can make plans all we want. I've been making some this week, and I feel great about them, but who knows what life changes are heading my way? God hears our plans and laughs because He knows what's best for us.

Sometimes I struggle with that concept, and by sometimes, I mean all the time. If God knows what's best for us, then why have so many bad things happened?

The answer is simple and complicated all at once. The answer is sin. We live in a sinful, broken world with sinful, broken people, and therefore, we're going to experience sinful, broken things. But Thomas Rhett shows us an excellent example here. Just because it wasn't our plan doesn't mean it can't turn out for the better.

Playlist Prompts #2: "Burn The Ships"

Hello, friends! Today's prompt, courtesy of Rachel, is the song "Burn The Ships" by For King and Country.

The premise of this song comes from the story of an explorer going to a new land. He tries to send his crew out to explore, but they prefer to stay in the familiar safety of the ships. So, he orders the ships to be burned to eliminate the possibility of retreat. 

Sometimes I wish I had that option. I wish my problems were that tangible and obvious and straightforward. I want something to burn! 

How do I "cut the ties" when there's nothing to cut? 

How can I "burn" loneliness and bitterness and anxiety?

The fact is that we can't, but Jesus already has.

It's the Sunday school answer. It's John 3:16. It's the part of Scripture everyone parrots back when they can't think of anything else to say. And it's the truth.

You remember the poem "Footprints in the Sand"? It describes God walking along a beach with you. There are always two pairs of footprints in the sand. But you notice that sometimes, in the particularly hard times of your life, there is only one pair of footprints, and you say to God, "I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me." And he replies, "When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Sweet, right? 

I don't remember where I heard this, but I would prefer it if the poem was called "Buttprints in the Sand". Now, hear me out. Same premise, except there is only ever one pair of footprints, and occasionally, during the particularly hard times of your life, you notice buttprints on the sand. You ask God, "What happened there?" And he replies, "Well, I was carrying you through life, and those are the times that you jumped out of my arms and fell."

The ships we need to burn - we created them, but we can't destroy them. Only God can. He works through us to do it, but it's His work, not ours. He can "cut the ties" when there's nothing to cut. He can "burn" intangible things like loneliness and bitterness and anxiety. He can, he has, and he continues to do so every day. We can trust in that.

Playlist Prompts #1: "Dear Winter"

Hello, friends! Happy November! 

Last week, I asked five people - Lindsey, Melissa, Rachel, Kelsey, and my brother Zach - to give me five random songs. I then came up with five songs of my own. I assigned each song randomly to a day in November (except for one that wasn't random, but we'll get to that when we get to it). These songs will act as my prompts as I challenge myself to write every day! I'm particularly excited because this is the most unusual playlist ever compiled.

Today's prompt, courtesy of Lindsey, is the song "Dear Winter" by AJR.

Oh man, friends, I felt this song in my bones. "Dear Winter" is written to a future child named Winter, listing a father's hopes and dreams for them. However, this familiar theme is overshadowed by the singer's yearning for a relationship. He wonders if there's anyone for him - if he'll ever get a chance to meet either his imagined wife or child.

The last part of the song felt particularly true to me (albeit gender-reversed):

"Dear Winter, I'm looking for your mom. I gotta find a girl that doesn't mind that I'm inside my head a lot. Winter, it won't be too long. First, I just gotta find your mom."

I have so many dreams, and all of them revolve around having a family. It's true, of course, that I have a family: my daughter, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law and nephew and niece, my grandma and aunts and uncles and cousins, my friends who are like sisters and brothers. All of the people I just listed are wonderful, but I want to meet my person, you know? I've seen my parents and my brother and sister-in-law and my grandparents and so many others in such amazing marriages and I want that for myself. I always thought that would happen for me. I still do, but the fact that I'm nearing thirty and can still count the number of dates I've ever been on with my fingers makes me question whether this is going to happen for me. It makes me question if there's something wrong with me. 

I've never written to a future child, but I write to my future husband in my journal all the time. I tell him what I hope he'll be like and the adventures I hope we'll go on together. I talk about how I just want someone to go home to at night, a person I can always rely on. I often close out my letters with, "I hope I meet you soon." 

This song is full to the brim with both hope and anxiety. My letters are, too. Sometimes the hopefulness that I find in writing those letters outweighs the anxiety of whether there will ever be someone to read them. 

I try to hold on to the moments when my hope for the future overshadows my anxiety.